It just goes around and around and around... yes, the Earth does. No, it doesn't have to but in correlation with everything else it starts there.
To the person I saw today who I think gave me that red blanket that night it was raining and cold in the park- naturally, I got side tracked, said hello, then when I kinda put two and two together and then proceeded to say, 'Thanks for the blanket!' I wish I could have apologized for your finding it or seeing it in the park where you found/gave it to me a day or two later. But, it was raining for days and I'm literally homeless- not that I live with my mom and claim benefits of being homeless or have a 'bitch.' That and 'nigga' are used the same way I do things- in jail when it was pill call I would say, 'Josh in 31 be having pill call.' The odds are not in my favor that anyone but me gets the joke. Then I did it as a way of kinda dealing with the reality of wanting to get out of my cell after a CO had provoked the dorm by being an hour late with dinner- I observed, inmates kicked the doors and then he came in and instead of letting us out of our cells to go and get our trays- brought the trays one by one to each door. So at night pills call- I was aching to get out of cell like whoa- So then I said it as a way to yell, but not yell. Now, I think its a way of justifying being a hott mess when I was in there. So just to tell you, I think they do those things on purpose, after that I was, as was the rest of the dorm locked down for like two or three days? It was a while, cause all it did was lead to one thing after another. Back to why I left it, it was big, bulky, so comfortable, and was something I thought someone less fortunate who may yet have resources to wash it would benefit from it. I took it to the King Library- was turned away, they didn't allow bed linens. I argued, they said no- it was after all in the same clear zippy package you brought it to me in. That was amazing cause all I saw was your shoes. I think I had a little fleece throw but it was only big enough to cover my front- and had to be from one corner to the opposite of the other (if that makes sense. Here, I feel like my saying that makes people think I think they are stupid or offends them in some way. I'm asking if in my sometimes 'round about way of explaining things did I make sense.) So not having a bus pass- I then walked to another library I knew the location of because I didn't have a phone and that's all I knew to do. They didn't care or have a security guard who I'm sure got challenged later either by blog or another patron who knows the shit that goes on, because I left it the morning I had something I needed to finish- one of my many dead ends I've been pursuing. (See this is the story I should be telling, but as the toilet thing in St. James park is currently out of order at least my last blog gives a place the money could be going besides someones pockets and broken million dollar thrones) If I had a phone I would take a pic and show it to the other readers- it's like a green egg grill but the toilet version. The one over by Walgreen's works- today I went to use it (the one by walgreen's- yes, i checked the one in the park... no I don't know how to report it's out of order status) and found someone in it, though the screen said (thanks Adam Levine for making it all right, cause I do need some sweetness in my life- music in my ears!) that it was vacant. There was a black man inside- who in his way explained or said 'My bad', he has a (I argue possibly a real form of PTSD and mental illness/the medications nasty side effects that I'm assuming give way to his rhythmic repetitive movements, that combined with the hand gesture he was able to make. I hate this place. 1. It's hot as a mother fucker. (If I know you and you have to edit this for your daughters, I'm sorry. She will argue that you're taking away from it and making it less real.) I saw him one more time before coming here- and thought what an asshole I was... I still was like- ugh! When he was in there and it said vacant and had to 'deal' with him even though he was kind and no problem to me. Just that there are only two of them in the city, maybe three- but that one is in the same area and arguably never works either. But, it's the only COOL place he may or may not have access to! His story could be that he's kicked out of the shelter's at the butt ass crack of dawn, a 'get to work, get busy, do better, get your shit together' motto, combined with a city system that keeps him down and his stuff getting stolen- and he's black, his skin is different and will dry out and damage faster then mine will, a library that he's been profiled at and bullied at, needing to stay in the area he's familiar with or knows, and boom- that's why he's in there- sadly, but hopefully, people know him as a regular and he doesn't 'scare' someone or get entrapped or profiled more for the only option he may have available based on the options and resources available. Yes, he could go to the library- security will do what they do, students may or may not be cool kids, don't even let me trip on the employees because they have a type of stank up their nose that can only make what I'm saying true! So, the man reality checked me today- as someone who knows better! Fuck! I am so mad at myself. I almost was lazy and went to King library to ask if they would un-ban me. Instead, I'm going to pursue it legally so maybe they will get their shit together!
In my mind I went to school with, college with, or socially know those who could be billionaires, create artificial health technology, make the world better, or are just everyday people making the most out of their communities or where they live- even if it's by being a legit drug dealer. (vs an undercover drug dealer selling bad shit as an 'initiative.')
Here's a tip- and I don't think my blogging about it will change it. If you ever feel you're being recorded or something without you're knowing it- like in a city park or whatever that's just 'part of it' now. Do this- you essentially hashtag them into the system- I just don't know how far it would go. So- literally say drugs, or.... and see if things change. then say sex or fuck, or rock a picnic table in a way of 'tappin that ass.' See if things change. Also- in my mind that goes into a much bigger system so if you say names you have to say their whole/full name.... Kim Kardashian is now kim kardashian west... I don't know how the information gathered relates to the information she gets or is notified of. Same with P. Diddy. My point is I have a nursing degree- I just put things together and live my life- luckily life has helped me hit rock bottom- yes, it can be worse or better. But, I lost total sense of reality when I was diagnosed with HIV- I had a job (which I was then fired from), a place to stay, and friends.) I cannot imagine what it would have been like if it was in a situation like I'm in now. I wish they could do HIV tests on bodies they find in the gutters, etc and see how many un-diagnosed cases their are. Additionally, I wonder if it might have been the best for them as compared to my situation. I think knowing prevents spreading- but this gives reason as to why people here aren't tested and don't want to be. Loose a few hours of sleep or even go 24-36 hours without sleep and see if you are a crazy homeless person with a home or without one. Now do that for a week straight- i guarantee you if some of you stepped out into your own communities or a neighboring one and spent the night out side or 'tried' to you, for a few nights, then did or didn't try resources for a shower, then went to find food, or breakfast, or tried to go to work (oh, i would never could never- i would get fired.... my god damn point said perfectly by mine and your inner thought.... oh but, wait- whats that like after the night or days in 'your' community.). Do people look at you differently, treat you differently, have you ridden the bus put together and then not put together- did you fit in either time? (All we did was care for each other! We would need someone to lean on!- the music in my head!)
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