is that the shoe song again!?

Air Force Ones!

Ugh, I literally was stalked by the library officer? Tha fuck is that- hey, he got a new Tahoe doh and a shiny pension... too bad for those with misdemeanors who can't even apply for such jobs... at least not to my knowledge... but, I bet his kin folk can!  So annoying!   mInd you he doesn't have a card or anything- however he did give me his badge number hoping I would be like- oh they so legit and shit.  No- I was actually leaving that San Jose State University Police Depaterments Office after meeting with the Independent Police AUdiotr.  This is the land of (dull grey- not a true grey like me.... what's the difference?) dull grey.  The Auditor was fantastic though I think she was a lil confused as to why I didn't want it investigated as to change my own personal case... I was like, because- just cause I have suffered doesnt mean I want their bullshit erased from my name- it's a tribute to how deep it goes... that the person investigating their bullshit was possibly even on their side at the close of our pre-lunch meeting.  I didn't have an appointment and she still took the time to appease me and I honestly think she's on my side and was like damn- a bitch did.  Yes, I'm on a good one with Usher in my ear feeling accounplished!  Yeah!  What I could do without is the perpetual time suck this is to me now and how much shit I have to do... I'm blogging about it first... because not as many people are reading it now... that's fine.  They bullshit has already been made known by me... and now I have to actually follow through with all this.  It's exhausting and I dare say that if something happens to keep me from doing so its a purposeful act on their part- as, I will make this happen.  I will.  If I can't then it's a testament to my being held captive in a foreign country that is actually in our great USA.  The library officer thought that I was my double-ganger and that i was headed to the bullshit MLK library instead of leaving my other meeting to... when I was arrested I was told that they were one in the same... I'm saying Mr. Watch Commander I dare say that your department is on watch even before I showed up... so you better take me seriously.  Also- The independent police auditor is an attorney that takes statements and essentially 3rd parties the Internal Affairs people.... Hopefully, she's not a former public defender... cause if so then the bullshit continues!  Do you know that my middle toe on my left foot is perpetually numb from your bullshit officer?  Additionally, I think I smell pretty nice after 10 days of not showering.  All the people I know in this city are yours so stop trying to find an outside perp... cause I'd look in the mirror if I were you to save hella time dude.  So my to do list- I secretly think that my public defender is the one who had the library officer on my ass as to not report her to da bar association.  And all because I actually had the decency to email her and let her know what was up... pardon my couth and your lack of... cause she was heard saying 'Fuck- he is gonna get killed!'  Please lady- my mama got Munchhausen syndrome by proxy for the second time in my life- I'm not saying I'm not scared... but the complete disregard for human life is either going through me or is ending with me.  I am maybe helping you in the long run also- given that the ones in charge are the ones that I'm hoping to grab by the... I use words.  Just saying- only when San Ho decided to mug me in LA hoping I wouldn't see through the fake ass airbrushing and corn rows.  Fuck you for trying to 1. think I haven't taken care of people in warm shock before and thought some dopamine and primacor might be to your benefit 2 Bitch please why the internet here show pics of Kim Kardahsian West looking just like that... and since I have actually lived in LA and West Hollywood and know the legitness that a place can be... I hope she handles your ass for impersonation and degradation of character or something like that... I don't know.  She doesn't live here so her attorney that's not from here and part of your shit show of a... real people live here, you have a total disregard for another person.. And I'm saying all lives might matter.... but I'm saying We Matter.  I'm creating inclusion and removing the 'heartless' undertone of this community.  Which my community is everywhere... I may not be familiar with what my food stamp office is like in Alabama but I bet I can ask someone- who will remind me that I also thought she lived in the ghetto and to fuck off.  Then I'll do exactly when I've done here and ask someone and go and do or whatever...  at least I'm willing to admit my problems and yes, I know you know I know you know.  I mean hey- the city hall bathrooms have paper towels and the dispenser regular of a motionless wall mount just throws them at you... in the public library's they are probably like the VTA and trying to compensate the community for yo worthless ass... so yes I bitch about the libraries not having paper towels... but it's a question in my mind of are paper towels on the budget or budgeted?  and if so go ahead and say that the 'homeless' used them all up, I'll show you the need for my presence in this community has now created two years worth of you covering your tracks and I'm friends with everyone so I guarantee a librarian or a tech will tell me, and then yes, I have homies in the community that will tell me what their experience has been- and yes... odds are I know more actual people in your community.  Both in the 110+ miles of the city limits and the rest of the country if you're curious... odds are they'll bore you with the actual conversation we have verses a poll or a question or a facebook status search.  Go home and be quiet with that shit!  I'm sorry to my homie that was again profiled in Palo Alto in that bomb ass ride... or maybe you just ran out of gas (wink wink) prior to or in the middle of shitting your pants.  It's chill- I was on the bus.  And you are the first car I've ever seen pulled over in the 8 or 9 months I've been here... accounting for if it resonates with you then pursue it cause I can do it by myself but you were technically in a different city.  Also- i was on one of those blue buses that change the traffic signals with no regard to human life and the fact that you may have driven that drive for years and fuck the light just changed!  Well, enjoy your $350 ticket, increased insurance, and possible classes in addition to I hope you don't enjoy a beverage on the way home... if so, sadly here you probably got out of a well deserved DUI.  Well, fuck you.  do better in that area also- I know someone, more then one person affected by the tragedy (it just took me 3 minutes to realize that the spellcheck in blogger was not going to spell tragicitity correctly for me, to yahoo search it cause that's my default in Mozilla that's been updated and then not be able to copy and paste it- and have to remember it all so... ha ha I'm important enough that people have corrected it as they go... it aint hard when you have the equipment you a-hole!  And not that I'm important but they, unlike you, are real people and know me.. or they don't and are like some and wanna put their faces in my 10 day unshowered face.... I dunno.)  around just drinking and driving and themselves... good came from my story... but, wait I've said I learned from mine and am Thankful...  But in a legitness that isn't concerned with making money and is concerned with people and things getting better.  So yes- i was behind you in a blue bus and I know you didn't know they affect traffic lights or maybe so... maybe you can tell me your story.  or better yet blog about it, then work through it.  Cause these assholes are still acting up waiting for me to leave.  Hell Nah!  I'm so tired of you and your- owning and running most of the world... but not actually 'owning it.'  Not the Oprah way, the UAB Hospital way, more specifically the CNO I followed there that literally changed a system that wasn't...I dunno what it was.... but she saved a Health System in my eyes... or at least prepared it for today's mayhem.  Wait- I don't mean the mayhem here in San Jose... this is a corrupt I got my shower and water, and I ain't sharing or letting anyone different have access to the community efforts to make up for your stinginess!  I have terrible vision- like terrible... what's terrible is that yes, they were whole and are now gone as a consequence of circumstance to San Jose... that's fine.  Clearly, my lack of clear vision still has you stumped there... cause you know what... Here in San Jose- my lenscrafter's appointment isn't until August.  That's how much work is still left to be done here in San Jose.  Like, that's not a specialist appointment... that's a regular eye doctor appointment if I may be so bold.  I may not- cause I sure as fuck haven't put in the actual man hours and effort that even 'birth-right?' won't help you 'fly' to credentialing.  I dare say that law in this community is though- in a federal system that has set forth parameters to.... hey, technology was birthed here, why not corruption or the... honestly, I believe your a good and proper dis-connected community pillar.  So let me get you connected to the shitty mess that is your water works system.  I believe in my heart and also- thankfully my belief in research and evidenced based practice (best... evidenced based best practice) tells me that people are innately good- please argue with me so I can go and get said study for you.  me and my- I can vouch for... what's said is that you're covering your tracks and changing variables in a community as it relates to me in hopes that I'll be outtie.... nah, cause I saw that coming... if only I had blogged in a way that my hinting to as such and your lack of humility to read it wouldn't have proven me... stop it.  Stop It.  and make it better... ok fine, changes take time, etc... lemme put you behind bars in jail real quick and have you have to hear about something or someone you care about or be missing in action yet again to a family with issues.... and then let me know how you feel about not actually having even set any realistic time goals or even acted like you know me, when I know you do.  I mean, you didn't, you mugged me, then you didn't again, then we met or I spoke, then now you're still too cool for school in your system where parents may or may not get use their tax dollars as they should in a safe quality public school system while you've got enough waves flying around to literally have me and my post surgery eye on the floor in the bathroom in the park sometimes when I first got here in pain like I have never known.  I wanted to grab a fork and pluck my eye ball out it hurt so bad- thankfully I'm new here and my reality is still relatively solid even now... if I had grown up here or been subjected to your bullshit I may have actually given you a reason to pity me or to label me as truly a victum/insane.  You like pronouns and adjectives I don't... but that story is not only mine nut others, I'm not that unique- only foreign to you as you are a victim of your own system... and luckily, even your bullying and static energy or whatever it was that actually broke my glasses.... the same type of bullying and hate could have and was in my mind used on someone and people before me... either, you actually like the way I smell also or I actually talked about it and made my struggle here known so you had to stop.  Or maybe you just took my glasses instead of trying to break them with sound waves or.... hey, I think that technique for kidney stones is way outdated and not part of evidenced based best practice as it could also break or shatter an indwelling catheter or stent or valve or... I dunno.  But, I would love to maybe use some to the resources in place to bridge the gap between all your waves and your corruption... however there is not a single gay publication available in any place where similar magazines or literature is sold or borrowed or lent.  So fuck you and your couch!  It is right and proper that a 14 year old consent to surgery- hey in NYC they be having they own brownstones and in the ghetto they mom may be at work or like mine have Munchhausen syndrome by proxy.  If you have access to info that is unknown to another- then to me even if it's your child you're to be held responsible for your actions with said information in mind as it skews the relationship and the other party would probably do different if they knew you had access to privacy they thought you had trusted them with in the first place.  Hey cellphone carriers.... you give someone access to my information and texts, etc. even if as a child pornography liability scape goat then I say- you better have informed the person who not only pays the phone bill but uses the phone... as a condition of that's what ought to have been done.  But what do I know, I've only seen the far end of the aftermath of those types of relationships and access when it isn't... it wasn't worth it!  I mean- it wasn't... but thank good ness I already know me... I'm not going through puberty, doing battle everyday as is the life of any person... but when I was growing up and through out my life I've paid my own cell phone bill and had that privacy.... my mom paid my brothers even though some of adult hood- I'll ask him how he feels about whether that privacy was his to have or not and wether it was a variable in the offer to add him as a line.  Cost effective, possibly a consequence of circumstance that you... whatever.... I told you ages ago you were doing it to someone else you conveniently added a line for and that was just because of your stank attitude in certain situations and my stellar abilities and the great fortune to have a diverse background as well as a value. I'm not to good for anything, hey, you were for awhile and it thankfully probably kept me from being another body in a gutter in this community- i call it just a product of your nonesense and my continual reassessment of the situation and hey.... i said to the trees in the park that i had a blog.... you used it to pair my facebook, my phones I've had here and there and god knows what has been searched on them or what not- thank fully I had a passcode on it- but wait- you have all these cameras as verification and...ugh- people are dying while your fact checking me in all the wrong places instead of using me as a person who wants things to be better.  yes, things are hard, but fuck if you haven't created dead ends for me the way i know to be specific to San Jose as you have others.  Fact!  Did you fact check anything else?  No- you were to good to hear the blog part and then.... now thankfully yes, you are totally to blame and my effort is totally exhausting to you because I'm just trying.... and you're keeping or controlling or doing everything other then just... I'm thankful for you.  Just like I hope you are for me... I've lied here and there- fudged details.... but I've made the best decisions that are mine with the information and variable you gave me.... fuck off if they weren't true, or have put me in a compromising situation... depending on what that variable is--- you're responsible in a conspiratorial (my word=conspiriatious ) way.... or just plain fucked up kinda way.  Phadrea is gonna call you a duck- if look like a duck, smell like a duck (how the fuck?), quack like a duck, yellow like a duck- it's probably you and your life lessons the whole world gone benefit from thanks to my blog!  Subtly and lies are not kind... I lie about things in a manner to protect marvelous institutions such as HIPAA or children's hospitals.... you lie to cover your own ass or make or sontrol variables that eventually come to truth... this is not a suicide note... now will it ever be... this county has done that to far too many people for me to let them use the tricks I've uncovered to their intentionally intentional per-meditated corrupt ways.   We matter.  you and me and them and those... I'm called a fake or stupid by people who literally don't know what it is that a stranger would just want things to change for them and not me... I mean- I'm pissed... but I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone who doesn't know better suffer.  You do- so now your at fault...again!        .            .                 

Tuesday

I just got done with a meeting at the Law Foundation of Silicone Valley- I mean, what do these people actually do.  I told them I wanted to sue The King Library and she was like well we might can have the ban lifted but we don't sue, that's a different type of litigation.  I was like, well I don't care about the money- I'll give it to you if you want- I just want the bullshit to stoop because I'm not that special.  I know they have done this to others that don't deserve it and I know that they probably have even done life long bans to people that pay taxes for this shit- and it's not right.  I have no doubt that it's been a life line for many people in this city and being this is the teenage suicide capital of the world- as a county, and the sex trafficking capital of the world- the Law Foundation of Silicone Valley has no interested in doing anything about it.  Many Ms. Whoopi can come and bring the noise cause I clearly can't.  So literally this office be having all kinds of people in it, lunching and being merry- I'm not hating- but damn... at least do something.  Oh wait, you don't live here, you must be one of those that comes in on those big fancy buses from SF or wherever like a lot of people do.  Have no interest in actually doing anything other then keeping your office chair warm then heading back to your tiny house in the air that you pay over $4000 a month for and live their with a roommate.  or you own and your HOA fees are $1000 a month on top of that.  I'm not mad- I really am not.  I just wish these epople had to do what I did when I was in school.  Thank you so much to my professors for giving their hearts and souls in the curriculum they taught- cause we got experience.  They lawyers, litigators, attorneys learn about community law but are to scared to actually walk around in the jungle or walk around the storm frains by the freweway.... hey, come on with me.  I took one person to the EBT office.  I'm so serious- fuck those billable hours.  I mean they are going to get to bill Ryan White for their sucky services.... and I doubt they even know who he was... well, here you go 

    The Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program was named for a courageous young man named Ryan White who was diagnosed with AIDS following a blood transfusion in December 1984. Ryan White was diagnosed at age 13 while living in Komono, Indiana and was given six months to live. When Ryan White tried to return to school, he fought AIDS-related discrimination in his Indiana community. Along with his mother Jeanne White Ginder, Ryan White rallied for his right to attend school - gaining national attention - and became the face of public education about his disease. Surprising his doctors, Ryan White lived five years longer than predicted. He died in April 1990, one month before his high school graduation and only months before Congress passed the legislation bearing his name in August 1990 - the Ryan White Comprehensive AIDS Resources Emergency (CARE) Act.

I can't be more tired of the money suck that this town is!  Why do they get to provide services that do nothing for me and bill this program for it?  How can I fight the billing this program for it!  It isn't right.  Same thing with thehealthtrust.org - these people have done absolutely nothing for me.  oh wait- they gave gift cards and then I took one of the social workers to the EBT office- other then that nothing.  They haven't even helped me get into housing or any of the other legal stuff I've asked about.  Oh, and thehealthtrust.org pays $1 in rent per month at the Sobrato Center for Non-profits.  They probably bill ryan white also.  

Dr. Walsh as the PACE clinic- who knows what she does.  She told thehealthtrust.org that housing for me wasn't medically necessary.  What a lie!  It so is- even if it isn't available.  Part of this communities problem could be a complete lack of knowing how things work.  and I'll be the first to say that I don't know how to run a community- but I know how things work and if not, then I can tell if something does or does not make sense...  to say I don't need housing, though you and I both know I do, just because their isn't housing available is a true testament to ignorance.  My meds have been stolen so many times that I fear building up resistance to them is already evident in my labs.  Not to mention that every time I go get more all it does is create more of a money suck for this city where corruption is king.  Also- can we go back to Narcan?  How do you know they don't need romazicon?  How do you know what else they are taking as a base line treatment of co-morbidites and diagnosis' so complex that if I were an officer I wouldn't dare want that liability on myself.  Cause not only do you have to give it with caution, but one dose doesn't work.  The half life is short so that person may wake up and slug you (not literally, but I've seen it- it's like when they give the shot of Epi through the chest wall directly into the heart.... they just come to life.... that's the Narcan reaction you better be ready for.... or if it doesn't happen then do you give more?  Do you wait?  do you have a stop watch or watch to know when 5 minutes has past?  Did you turn your personal camera on?  Are you ready to hold all this up in court?), then pass right back out as the narcan has only 'eaten' a small amount of the drug and then worn off related to the 'taken by the person' drugs have half lifes way longer.  So what do you do?  Are they seizing now?  Breathing?  Yeah, go ahead give another- Fuck you dude... by now an ambulance should be there and already this scenario sounds like a money suck to me.  Please tell me it's fake- maybe those blue buses will be there faster to arrive and take the person to the ER since they get traffic signal priority... and if the ambulance and the bus are going to an intersection at the same time then who gets priority?  I don't have a clue... Bueller?  Ha to Dr. Walsh- look fool, housing is medically necessary but it's not available.  Hey, by you listing it that way then it shows the need- cause I haven't showered in 9 days.  Yeah, this place is that great to live.... now you can see how the CO's in jail have so much power cause one of the weeks I spent in jail I didn't shower then entire time their either... Yeah, come on to this place?  Ha, no- even if you love me and want to come rescue me- stay away.  Because I love you guys and I don't know what the legalities and parameters are with all this info they be gathering.  If its not secured by the government or is old technology then it isn't safe and can then be hacked or gathered or used by anyone.  Like, no one here knows what they are doing.  It's furious.  Thank you you tube for the gay flag next to your logo! So they are professional number skewers here- usually to suck more money from the federal government and programs mean to help people, only to put  it where it doesn't belong or into their city meth lab cooking project for the city workers, and then skew numbers opposite to make it look like the need in other places isn't there... I don't know what these fools are doing- but I've decided the mayor of San Jose is a terrorist.  So is his vice mayor- cause the fuck is that anyways?!  I mean- the fuck is actually going here?  Idiots

Best,

jr <3          

Clearly that was a fail yesterday...

but I guess I'll start calling this the land of trillionaires... ha, google and its spell checking mess doesn't even recognize the word... the irony.  By fail I mean that I can't go to the library on Sunday- as the only one that is open (mind you this is a library system of 22 actual buildings, and only 1 that double dips as a college library or triple dips if you think about it.) has these awful security guards and then even last night as I was walking through the PA or Palo Alto, CA was- you know how you get those eerie feelings. I was always thought to follow those- even though I was scared of my own shadow a lot of the time- it doesn't mean that I didn't grow out of it.  I did.  Anyways, I was walking down El Camino in PA and I don't know why but I go that feeling, kept going only to pass two cop cars that were there with their lights on probably arresting or harassing someone they had already pegged as someone to arrest who was probably doing nothing wrong and gave the real thugs time to get by with whatever they wanted.  It's a very weird place.  I guess they arrested this guy and as I walked by I just told myself it was just me panicking from all the nonsense I've gone through here until that eerie feeling was still there.  it was terrible, to the point that thank goodness I didn't have headphones in, i would have never heard him.   Mind you I don't have a phone- the one I was supposed to get from Senter road is still in the midst of whatever corrupt bullshit that exists here... I heard that 500,000 'free' phones have been lost at 80 S market.  Like, 500,000 actual phones!  This is before they stopped sending them there!  Who knows when that was?  I don't but for a city with a population of 1 million that's purely insane.  The disparities so great that they have three huge homeless shelters here, THU's, etc.  (when I was released a certain program had 80 open beds, my insurance would have paid for it, and the judge monohan still wouldn't refer me!).  Ok, so I heard foot steps behind me. I was like, oh no, I am not about to get killed in this awful place.  So I heard the steps turned around and looked at the guy and was like 'Ummm.,,, '  Thankfully, the dude didn't expect that, he was like oh, my bad.  I waited for him to pass me and then I yelled, 'I know I am not about to get mugged or have to deal with the same SJSU PD cop that I have to file charges against?! I know that isn't about to happen.'  So yes, it was him!  Thank god that even though I'm without my glasses I can still know whats what.  I was terrified.  Terrified.  I literally walked backed down by adobe creek and laid down and waited until morning.  I intended just to walk to Walmart, eat my ice cream i got with a gift card and think about the world- too bad that used to be when i would call my grandmother when i had a phone.  Instead, I get harassed again.  It was to the point I could feel him still around- people here are brought up in this area and I dare say they don't have that instinct.  I am not here for no reason.  It's meant to be.  He literally was on the other side of this rock thing that was on the same wall that I was paralleled with crouched as I was laying on the concrete  I yelled- 'you better leave me alone you motherfucker- our laws protect the people, not corrupt cops like you- I hope they deport your ass!'   Thank goodness I just laid their quiet and someone walked by in the opposite direction a little while later and then I felt better.  To say that last time he was around me he was in a uniform and this time he was in street clothes terrifies me.  I don't think it had anything to do with those two other cop cars unless he was somehow making sure that the person they arrested was tagged as his in their weird point system of an incentive arrest and payroll.  Furious!  I have never had that happen!  Ever- and I know it was him because when I yelled at him the first time, he stopped dead in his tracks like oh shit, he knows its me!  Not like I was yelling really loud, more in a stern loud- 'no you don't' voice!  I am not confident that he wouldn't have turned all the way around to follow me again had I not still been facing him when he turned around after stopping.   I waited and not sure if I said you better not follow me, or said that after he saw my face.and that I turned around-  last time he arrested me I had a scared look on my face and even yes, thought I was being mugged just like this time, only last time apparently he was yelling 'Hey, hey you!' and not using his siren or flashing his light like he supposed to do, as is the law!  This time, he wasn't yelling, and was creeping up on me (sorry Eminem, I was listening to you on youtube, but these white parents, or latino parents, or whoever- I ain't trying to draw more attention- so let me play some edm just to offset any ill will towards me- oh wait, they don't like gays here either- I don't know... I wish the bay and I had never met, I wish San Jose and I had never met, I wish that now that I'm here I could actually help bring about change- but I can honestly say that they will probably make California it's own country before they actually change anything in San Jose- as it's just that bad, it's just that un-american and I can't believe that I'm not actually in a nightmare instead of life.  They have auido equipment in the trees here that I dare say if you have facebook videos uploaded will then ping you into a system and goes there from and to who knows.  It is a fact.   I would never ever bring my children here as they will eventually have a facebook and when you talk in the park on the sidewalks its all saved as tagged or not- those not are saved in an amount or time long enough to be compared, validated, and replicated being run through the system as new profiles are created and new data uploaded to social media... I dare say they are heating up the ocean with the processors, servers, and storage both underground and underwater... it is literally heating up the ocean.  It's not?  Ok, prove me wrong!  Artificial (gmo) trees that help cool the ones underground?)  Yes, buying organs or transplanting them after pressuring someone that's in jail or after your awful legal system has put them there is happening!  I've seen it, talked to these people, and know that it is happening!  Not so they can get out jail!  That would show corruption!  Right?   Yes! Oh you're in jail for however long, well, here instead of gangs pressuring your family the officers do as a means to get you to 'donate' an organ from jail to who knows who, not so you can get out of jail after their system put you there, but so that your family can get pennies for it.  Pennies!  You think someone in jail can negotiate the amount of money they should for a kidney- or do you think they are able to negotiate for their whole body?  I could cry.  It's to awful not to be true...a man- caught up in the system that is San Jose and Santa Clara County, who for whatever reason- is in jail and not at home to protect his family, which is probably what got him there or trumped up DUI charges or profiling- whatever.  Only to have his life in jail be that the phones never work, they are always in use, the CO's keep the inmates on lock down just so they can shoot the shit and smoke and who cares- they a prisoners.  I care!  I care!  And that same man may not have a wife or bitch or girlfriend or family that can come visit him because of wait- you can visit people in jail if you're on probation can't you?  No, you cant!  Didn't know that- I'm telling you!  They then come at you with whatever offer they can or have and it goes from there- or you know it exists like I do and approach them with 'hey, know anyone looking for a cornea?'  I don't know.  But, it's not unimaginable to think that that's a type of 'suicide by cop' I heard them mention on The View!  Thank you to The View!  160 people per day dying of suicide or overdoses?  Holy Fuck!  Cause- yes, they can have whatever they want... I hope this man negotiates or is able to.  Can you imagine 1. having to follow the laws of no probation visitors visiting you behind bars, not seeing your kids before 2. that they will actually follow through and pay the money like they supposed to in a system you know to be corrupt 3. to go to the OR 'donating' your entire body as a means of creating a better life for your family... the only way you can or could or have the opportunity to and that got you in that position in the first place, then continuing to do so until the end for I dare say they would even offer someone $20,000 for their entire body.  I've had to fight my fight for $200 a month in food stamp money- and it was an act of congress- in a funny way not so funny!  I have to continue to fight my fight- I still havent gottnen a phone- I am not that far out there in my thinking like some may think... I'm sorry for my typos and run on sentences but I'm doing my best.               


Like they also only have sccgov.org for Santa Clara County? Explain that shit to me.  lacounty.gov is the LA County website.  What is that?  Well, I know I trust LA, and I hate this fake ass place so tell me, tell me, I want you to tell me- since I clearly can't tell ya'lls stupid asses nothin-  why isn't your website a .gov website?(it might be or is probably my internet here in the library and the land of corruption.)  technology was born here, so the disparities being greatest here makes too much sense!

http://santaclaraca.gov/

that website literally won't load on my computer here at the library.

https://www.lacounty.gov/

https://www.sccgov.org

it will then add this to the end when the site is opened... /sites/scc/Documents/home.html

ok- additionally... narcan nasal spray?! omg- what a way to cause a seizure!  Or cover up the shit I've been talking about! 

 Sheriff McDonnell Announces Deployment of Narcan® Anti-Opioid Nasal Spray to First Responding Patrol Deputies for Use in Aiding Suspected Overdose Emergencies

I just found that on the la county . gov website which I was like, oh this is a good way to induce a seizure or holy crap not that I was overdosing at the time when I called 911 for myself- stupid I guess, everyone here tells me that... so I will agree because these are some corrupt mother fuckers.  I called, asked for an ambulance, they sent cops, I never saw an ambulance or fire and rescue.... and now those idiots will be able to carry narcan nasal spray!  AH!  Help!  This is in LA and all my issues have been here in San Jose, Santa Clara County- but still.  I dare say Narcan can as equally as life threatening if given correctly!  Here, the blue buses that go from eastridge to palo alto or stanford get priority at traffic lights and literally move people- yeah, straight from the private air strip to the place to get they new solid organ transplant they paid for.  Hopefully- at least a billion dollars for.  Considering the first actual billionaire died in the 70's- he got that real money, not that like that just appears... what do I know, I'm homeless.  Why would they let me have something that neither of us can live without or something that I won't be able to live without cause that's just how awful people are- why let a homeless man live when I am changing the world?!- not my words or thought process, but.... it's not far fetched and it is happening!  Illegally!   Yes, I'm calling bullshit again- the organ procurement department I saw over by the light rail station on north first street is one of the reasons I call bullshit on so many things here.  Including my thinking I'm on a 'truman show' version of my life.  Its so stupid- yes, that i would want a billion dollars for a kidney or lung, no its not..... its stupid to think that even a trillionaire would be willing to pay that much.  

I mean- they mismanaging they money if they aren't trillionaires by now- and fuck if they aren't trillionaaires cause hey- they quick fixing instead of doing right.  First question post extubation from chainsmoking billionaire.... when can I have a cig or beer?  And sad fact- if he bought it why would he have to follow the rules?  He wouldn't in my mind- even if its third transplanted kidney!

Saturday (a re-start a tthe day by day posts.)

I swear if I could just not defend only explain- I wish that was my situation- only that it isn't.  SO ever gone through a devorce only to then tell in-laws, that you dont want them to have to pick or put them in that situation only to then as normal have to morn over that loss as is normal, only to then let people know that said sacrifice was done as a way of... yeah, that's a testament (hey those are only in the Bible... beat you to it) to making it about you and a need to control variables and outsomes and how you made that much harder on yourself then it probably had or has to be... I don't know- you say the sme about me only that wait... I didn't really know what was going on even then and I was the one falling apart.  How is it that my life gets too hard for you to fele the need ot not only stop talking to me but then have three way calls with the family memebr I was talking ot everyday..... yeah, thats the same thing and honestly I knew that something wasnt right then- I said so, and you may have known that but if I had of known I wouldn't have trusted to decisions that were made that the other person now has to pick up the slack for again by taking the blame for the bad decision though she may have advocated for the one I did... but I don't know.... I'm not one of the cool kids.  That makes sense as we move forward... I am not doing anything like that.  I believe the good in people just as she does- so when I say that once you found out about a solid travel contract that i was literally about to start... only then and only then did it fall apart for a weird reason....  
I am sad that I won't have any way of posting tomorrow- yes, I still am banned, I think I am or was waiting on a phone to tackle that scenario.  It is a sad fact that while I am still homeless and the Obama Phones having such terrible batteries I would then have the courage and motivation to seek the 'free' health that's available for legal services.  Yes, my phone wasn't there, the man wasn't there where he was the week before, and while I am waiting for it though I don't have a tracking number on the website though I do have an approval message.  Well, why haven't I gone to go get it see about it... because once again it seems so crazy that after waiting an effing week it would be there- or at least the guy would... yes it ain't and he wasn't and I'll have to add that to Monday's list though I am not trippin like it will be different.  What sucks is that after the new eules and all I am unable to even apply for a new one through a different company.  I mean could people literally get as many phones as they wanted? or needed without these rules before?  Sometimes people are shocked they can't get one and seem very educated in the process and that fact- when they need a new one, they go and get a new one and are often shocked and angry.  I mean, I have been exposed to a world where that phone could very well be factored into a families monthly budget.  If that's the case, I'll spin it and now worry that as someone knew that they could turn that phone in to the 'Cash for phones now'  Hold on- let me not even assume she or he can or can't read- that's how shitty some parts of America people just don't even know how to read.  Hey, if you don't use it you lose it.  I am not tripping like that they tell you when you get the phone- that it was possibly even meant to be a primary phone.  The odds are in a world where, we don't prepare for the ones that take advantage of the system, caws why would you do that, the system will eventually figure it out, and people have been getting by so far withou8t them so lets add it for all the ones we found out in the fields and under over passes that were being ignored shamed, shunned, bullies, and even if they over came all that still would be denied for whatever reason because that's what I know happened here.... it;s happening to me even with the phone so why wouldn't I assume that it's only situational Because that's just how bad it is.  I love .  That even though someone qualifies, etc they could then be turned away or not approved because of access and also

an insert from a different peice of my written literature: 

yeah- you're a corrupt mother fucker because i cant and am trying. its not possible.. I'm not stealing from someone to try and make my life better. I'm not doing anything. its just crazy.

if you were someone who even cared as a person hearing my story. also- if you think that i have money somewhere or know something that i don't then please clue me in. but I never said anything like that to you when we first met. i never did anything other then give you a different perspective on you stating that was constructive... you are just saying that i am not doing my best or that i am lazy or that I am to blame for all this- i'm taking blame while also saying- stop it. there is bullshit that goes on here that you may or may not know about and if your a major anything its a major fake and asshole. not when i first met you, but now i kinda feel that way. if its something im onto and you don't want to be associated i get it.. i wish i could shower- if you have a hotel room.... i did that for you- with no strings other then now when im telling you that im only mentioning it so you will check yourself and remember that im a good person. but as a rule- I will win. If you ahvent figured that out yetm then you were again misinformed and dont know me.... creating fake social media profiles is illegal when it comes to being an undercover officer. we can still be friends if you are or aren't but the guy who controls the artificial side of the ecosystem here as it pertains to the Hubble telescope underneath the 'rotunda' likes to heat it up where ever i go as it pertains to me hanging with his bf after he was the one who showed up at my place first and cheated first.

 

A friend gave me courage that thankfully *ugh its getting on my nerves that i can;t firgure out how to change my margins back... so im going to chill... I have mush more to discuss.  I literalyl argue that having the courage to do so, but using restarint not in my blog as much, but in my communication with the people i know here- well some of them, has kept me safe until now I am done.  Only- they proved that things are the shady way I say they are here as was my thought and why I know that it's all about information and education and disparities that are further why even people that live here and are happy didn't know where actual disparities cause oh wait- I have never left San Jose, neither have my kids now that I think about it, only to go to The City, etc.  So there- do i think you were so happy you never ever traveled?  No- I think it was something you may or may not have ever done as it wasnt an opption- as happy as you can be in your life and your community- it's not until you think about college and education and gaining knowlege of how things are else where and again, you don't know that because as one time things were so bad the only way to literally survive here was to have a kid and get on welfare.  It may or may not be ok with you, until your son doesnt benefit from that the way the mother does if you guys arent married right?  Then the girl had the nerve to not even hesitate to get a restrianing order and then it only got worse, and wait is there birth control for men?  There should be but then the girl would lose control and they can't be having that!  Additionally- life can be better when you consider all the bullshit that comes with all the suppression and literally making it so you don't have options as a rule of not even making them available as it is something you can't afford or do- see you made that choice for yourself... but as a product of doing what you had to do to survive only that now came further corruption and..... Like, i said.  I'm done for a awhile..  I should arguably spend more time editing, etc.  but here's a clip from another conversation.  

 

 

 

You need help. No one can read your bullshit because it's such a run on sentence and makes no fucking sense. Please check in to psych hospital. Please get on medications to help stabilize you.

 

 

 

haha I'm sorry that you can't get past the sentence structure in order to even be able to understand the words that are being used and the meaning behind them. Also, you've discussed this with other people? or are you simply speaking for yourself. in a way if you cant get past the sentence structure then you wont be able to even comprehend what im going through. I'm banned from the sqan jose library system. i shouldn't come and i would fight it, but i cant./.. also, they will sometimes shut my compouter off randomly as either i finally get flagged in the system or a library does it randoly- sometimes sadly it so happend to be righ twhen im edting the word document i have created. therefore, i only use the google blog app now and I try to spell check as I go, but when I stop typing I have to post or they will turn my computer off and i will loose my work so a lot fo good that did.

 

 

 

i even asked 2 officers to call 911 for me thinking that i did in fact need o tgo at that time- and they said no and made me keep walking

 

 

thank yoou for the comment thouguh- I honesylu wonder because no onw ever leaves any

 

 

 

I hope you are ok. I know you feel alone and that's so awful! Are you clean?

 

 

i havent showered in ages- like at least a week or so

 

 

How did it get this far Josh?

 

 

i honestly have forgotten/dont keep count

haha that's my whole mother fucking point- honestly because it is just that bad here. I had never been mugged until san jose was in my life. i had never gotten a misdemeanor besides my DUI before here and now i have like 10

 

 

Get back to Alabama

 

 

thank you so much for careing. i honestly feel like an ass now beyond what i want becaseu I was immediately defensive, but i can totally see how a black mama can be just pure angry and bitter at the world in alabama as i cant relate, but this same thing could happen to me there

but i hope and pray it isnt this bad there- in my heart I know it to be true- but i dont know.. some im doing the most i can as if i was there

 

 

I'm sorry for being so cruel but it's hard to watch such a thing happen to a capable individual

 

 

Has your mom disowned you?

 

 

no no- its a product of this situation if you know what i mean... again thank you for the kind words. I know they are true and that i am that person- so if i say I'm stuck in san jose believe me i am, add it even goes to credit card fraud and shit beyond what i can even talk about. I think that she wont- as i wouldn't her.... but parents shake babies to death- as a was of caring so much they don't know what to do and want it to be better.... well this is the adult, 2000 miles away version

 

 

That is all- thank goodness for friends, cause I sure haven't gotten any of those kind words from the fam.  Though in my mind I am firm in the fact that they know I am those kind words also- just don't say them...

Proven time and time again!

So it's all about what you do with the information you're given and why I like Dr. Rice on MasterClass.  I hate that in a world where the gap is only growing- I dare say The United States of America In Worlds of a Country.  What does he mean by that?  Right now I'm in a community where some people can just literally appear- its like a light show at one of the music shows you can watch online.  Oh wait- there are people in this country that don't have even access to access the facility to access youtube and watch a video that I'm speaking of.  Could they actually walk to the library, possibly, if an officer didn't stop them (hopefully in a proper manner-whats that? The person I'm speaking of may not even know that.)  Can I just say how angry I am that no one has mentioned taking guns away from officers?  Is that crazy?  I don't think so- I this community I hope it's already been done or will hopefully be done soon!  Should an officer need a gun for a routine traffic stop?  No.  They have it.  What if they don't follow the law? What if I don't feel safe putting down my phone that I'm recording them on?  What if this is my third run in with this officer?  What if I am a security guard who has never had a conversation with someone- then this dude from Alabama walks in and starts talking to me and then a real security guard walks up and distracts me, the other says goodbye.... So I don't think they are all fake- but budget cuts are budget cuts- and all I'm saying is that in this community it would go to make a meth lab only to further create disparities and corruption.  I am so in favor of rolling black outs in this community!  I dare say they have security systems advanced enough to close blinds and have windows that make it seem as though people are home- as replicas of themselves.  Or someone else- how many billionaires or regular Joe's have not only their fake houses but houses to keep their mistresses in and then decoys for that and then that- I hope not many.  Surely, at that level you can just be you, and make your relationship exactly what you want it to be.  HaHa- this is how my world will work.  I think.  So look- you don't get to have a drone that is so advanced it can drop his phone with me present- calculating the physics involved to determine the cracks in the glass and show it to me!  How many people actually grab the phone from that friend and say oh that sucks!  What;s the probability involved in calculating the risk of that 'friend' asking to hold it after its broken- with me kinda high.  I'll kiss it and make it better.  I encourage the world to literally touch it.  I don't know where all this would actually apply.  You know I can't think of a time when my parents ever lied to me- until they tried to be my friend or something.  If I thought in my mind that the first wreck I ever had, which happened the weekend I turned 16 was actually someone being mean it wouldn't be until now.  In my heart I would never think that... but, I did get a car when I turned 16.  Actually, a little before that.  So that I could get used to it- you don't just put your baby in a car they've never driven and let them have at it!?  Well mine didn't, and thankfully the turn I was going around was sharp and I did drive faster- a lot faster then I did with them in the car.  I mean my mom drove a mini van... lets be real  Anything was faster..  So the curve was sharp- I was going fast, I hadn't had anything to drink, and the tires literally popped off.  I mean, I did know how to drive the car so I maneuvered it between a ditch and a mailbox that may have had inches on either side for me to get through once the tired were off.  It was like they lost their grip on the rim- they were very much attached to the rim- but like a tire or rubber band that was too big for what it was around.
 I also still drove fast after that- passed a teacher on the way to a football game cause naturally I was running late- I had to paint the windows with shoe polish!  Actually, no- it was window paint.  Arguably she told my parents- though she said she only would if she saw me doing that again.  They didn't tell me if she did.  I don't think anyone would hurt me just for being gay.  I mean, I dont want to.  After living in LA for a couple of years- I was called a silly faggot at LA Live with a friend and we were both like... parrrdon?! Or at least that's what our faces probably said, we both kept walking and after out of their view stopped and had a 'queen' out moment were we both turned to each other and said 'What the fuck was that?' I honestly thought I didn't hear them correctly.  I then was with a friend at the first couple of times I went to the gay club in birmingham.  Luckily, we stole cable for awhile and that got us HBO for free so I could watch the American Version of Queer as Folk.  This was in High School so the last season when the club was bombed and what's his face got 'hate crimed.'  It literally was so shockingly foreign, new and scary for me to be inside the gay club that though safe, I left.  I was like- oh my!  It's awesome and feels right?!  But, then this club exists in my backyard?  Oh no! I have to get out of here!  It might get 'hate crimed.'  If someone did do something to my tires- which I don't think they would, I still even have to justify even thinking so, I had friends to either stop them, try to fix it, or they covered it up and I had a dad that was no idiot.  Either way- all I'm saying is that I still will argue with my mom, who still jsut wants me to admit I was drinking that it was my fault.  I still, and I think last time I saw here argued- She said geez josh, I would think that even now you would just say you were drinking... of which I verbally slapped her with, geez mom... I can't believe after all this time you wouldn't trust my gut when I say the tires must have been low or something, that I was not drinking, and yes I was going too fast but it was just weird!  I mean- I maneuvered a long nosed car you basically lay down in through a situation that only could have been done with me knowing the car and pushing the limits even with them in it- good and bad.  We were driving in traffic and i sped up to let a car over then got back in my lane to avoid another car- I would have done it that way now, my mom probably wanted ot do it- might not have because her car was so slow, and when I resumed normal speed she said 'wow.'  I was like what?  I didn't get up that fast!  It was a V6, I went from 65 to 75- maybe 85 in a hot second.  I'm not giving a parenting class- just annoyed that someone earlier told me how lucky I was to be white.  I was like, well according to you then even unshowered and homeless I'm better then you.  I may carry myself that way, but I don't feel that way- arguably that's my issue with this issue.  People think I'm so lucky to be white- I think I'm just lucky/Blessed/self-ish/motivated....any word you want to put in it's place that doesnt me ever having a mindset of it being a compitition and me winning because of skin color.  Cause I hate it!  I don't think that all people feel that way- for my current possibilities in reality I think Oprah built herself a 'steady man' to escort her at the Oscar's!  Ha- Oprah be having a robotic degree also.  I don't know- all I'm saying is that in the essence of not trying to figure people out- because they aren't problems... I believe she might take it one step further and go with artificial intelligence- I mean hey, when steadman act up this where he have to stay- in her guest house that has 5 bedrooms.  HAHA!  It's funny, but I didn't grow up in her world, make it out to be a billionaire- only to have that still happening even in all the ways in which the world has bettered itself.  OK, so now we have computers literally everywhere, on buses-controlling traffic- yet people can't get to the offices to apply for aid when they need it, because of a person with an issue.  (No Free Rides! Per the VTA.ORG)  They have so many cameras that if they actually record all I think they do then some of these buildings around here have to be servers and storage. Kidding- only that convientily I know of an apartment complex in the 'real' world/LA where they have little cameras.  Entrances and Exits with guards. And they dont record... they have policy instead for visitors...but she said, it's not that shocking that we don't.  The more we have recorded the more it makes us liable for things out of our control.... I'm giving a lot of details.  I don't care- trust, its more fun for me to just do what I want.  I'm getting to here I feel like they have a community in the richest part of America that feels the opposite- only because of a legal system that hasn't been 'checked.'  Isn't people as fake as reality TV may be being themselves the best.  Well hell yeah- you can't take the ghetto out the- nevermind... someone checked me once for saying that word and I have never forgotten it and learned so much.  I don't give details about others- but I will say that one of the websites, maybe the EDD asks you for your first car's color as a password protection/forgotten password question.  Well, if i have grown up on facebook- that isn't hard.  I mean myspace was king when I was introduced to social media.  Point is I worry about things that don't even matter when you think of what some are going through on both ends of the spectrum.  You haven't met that person- well arguably I've blow a guy from each side so there- just letting you know it was still me.  Actually, they_____.  Yep, still me.  I used to bitch about a Doctor's office not having email- but that's because they only had it for inner office.  Outside emails cannot be trusted when you consider people health and information.  What about that the color to my car on my facebook page is the password unlock thing.  If you think drugs completely negates a person and makes it so they aren't taken seriously then I would say- here's a cup tested by an outside/3rd party vendor and I'ma check you boo since you don't have a round way of thinking to do so.  What do you mean, my steady man hardly be having to go to his place when he act up!  I've figured it out, therefore I am- no, bitch... now, konk!  That was NeNe and I dare say Ms. what's her names mom said- I just don't like him!  And O, you back at the drawing board.  I will use you at Katrina in New Orleans- some people may not even be able to see that.  See that you're real and have real emotions- and can't better themselves.  I started this like I do all things, about me.  I don't think that times are changing, I think it's people.  There wasn't one black person in that movie- and I ague that it isn't known by half the- no one reads this... but if they did, they may not know the reference to 'that john wayne' movie even if they had access to the library and could look it up and then had headphones to watch it in the quiet room/tech center without the officer improperly arresting and profiling them as someone was harassing them for being in their neighborhood/walking on their sidewalk and that's if their mama even let them leave the house because when I watched the view and they talked about profiling and those two women got into it about actual numbers and results from well rounded research about disparities, I can't relate.  I'm in San Jose and I don't know that anything like that has ever been looked at here.  It just weird here.  I don't know.  It makes sense what I'm saying though- it is so bad here that I feel like I'm on a fake Turman Show world of 'ok, cut!.'  To the point I've even thought about- so if Meryl Streep is an actress that plays her role the entire time, wether filming or not... so if she's a cave woman in a movie, her assistant better watch her wooden club.... how does she say- ok, I'm done.  I mean, I think I get the idea of it- but where does it stop?  It's not that it's helped or hurt me knowing that- just that I know she does that as an actress on set... now imagine a world and situations where I think hmmm, if i were meryl how do I yell 'cut' as an actor who needs a re-take when I've lost my train of thought/lines because I'm in shock.  I don't know how to make it better.  I don't  I wish I did.  What I know about an officer exposing themselves is true- and I've upset an entire community by letting them know... I mean, if a dude I liked to puond senseless put two and two together after awhile based on things he knew or didnt know to be true I'd be pissed as it pertains to my job.  Also, if I was a mama in this community i would be pissed also because that means they been double dipping like that when they don't supposed to be doing so, and what else do they or dont they know and are or arent doing to my community in all aspects.  I love the Blind Side.  Sandra Bullock did such a good job- so did Brad Pitt in Troy... but there aren't movie theaters around here... and fuck if anyone can afford anything around here.  I know I can't.  If you told me it was them fact checking me by doing all this then in LA you have to apply for 10 jobs, maybe 5 when you apply for cash-aid... here, they havent told me to do that.  So once I turn in the last thing- will that be an opps my bad on my workers part?  Why did my public defender feel the need to not fight harder and advise against what all they found during an arrest when they dropped the arrest itself as a charge and the other trumped up charges.  And is a misdemeanor as a minor considered on a background check for college?  And did I buy and do drugs in high school?  Duh.  Doesn't everyone?  In a legit manner I hope so- this is not legit.  I don't want to stretch it and say that everyone in high school does drugs in certain areas as it pertains to corrupt undercovers and arresting officers and judges and the parents write it off as just something that happens or know what the deal is or not... I don't know.  I'll say that as a homeless person and a person with a home I could be treated the same way as just a person profiled at the King Library.  Yes, there are library's spread out around- but who works there?  I'll say that I get suspicious when a non-profit worker has a gmail address for her email... do they have a separate work email?  I don't know.  But I'm unsure how my HIPAA rights are protected in that instance.  Here i (I just fast forwarded my Youtube music from Drake- it just so happens I'm more bitter about not having a cell phone then the fact that he's black.  Naturally, now a white person is singing.  I think, is mike posner white?  or is that John Legend?  or is that- I don't even think about color when I hear music.  I didn't know g-easy was white.  or at least in the music video he is- I was like wow.  Never thought about it- didn't care, but I just thought about it so here it is in my blog.)  There was smoke or mist coming from the fucking flag poles today outside of City Hall?   I mean- is the Pope involved somehow- cause I don't take it to be a smoke signal or anything other then 'that's weird.'  I watched the news in jail- it was the local news, the day I got out... it looked like a bunch of fake green screen none sense.  Isn't that funny?  They can make people appear out of thin air- but have a fake news channel.
I argue I've met people of all walks who are like, who cares?  And I'm like- I am!  I am?  Ok, so only if you are in on it does my grammar mean that much to you and how much I think that depending on someones pupil size those people in the sidewalks could appear and be one way or another.  I ain't trippin- if you think I am then clearly honestly you could be someone I'm talking about.  All this money that this fool is talking about being wasted on drones and sensors and tha fuck is a solid state drive- and my baby didn't get into his college of choice in his home state because of this being a factor and or the profiling by, well hell I already knew they was corrupt but I am a white dad who can speak proper English and right it and care vary much about keeping the ones who don't know out of it and the ones who do working to make America greater because I've never been to (Migos is my nigga- eat your heart out drake... Handsome and Wealthy.  I mean, hey- in this place you can be handsome and wealthy and without a phone.... whether it be free or not or paid for by taxes.)  Hey Palo Alto!  In your hood they don't have a 'Cash for phones now' both at walmart, but they do have a 'keys now' one.  The Palo Alto vs San Jose.  Oh but wait, I'm a hot computer geek and unlike Britney who is in control of her real dogs for security, you have fake ones in your your yard form some crazy ass alarm system so who cares about keys.  Opps, Now the dogs are people and walking down the side walk and talking to people and each other and the.... no, stop there.  Is the research from them interacting with each other taken into account into a separate system with artificial squared intelligence information.... and the mom in the ghetto is like, damn--- wait, what is a ghetto?  Next year, he's going to wear his Birthday Suite and be like 'Suck It.'  Get it? Get it?  IF this is as closed as you think it is- watch clueless.  That girl wigged cause honestly she may have never been on the freeway and that's scary- but, anyways who they were (oh fuck- Drake and started form the bottom just got my attention and so did that boat of a car/Bentley) raising money for- so I just googled where pismo beach is... its in California... I was in my thought process going with a foreign country... but not.  Checkin myself and going to pee! Damn it, I missed dinner.  I mean, the 'Come on Vacation- leave on probation' is a real joke about this place.  The people that live here don't associate, work in offices with inclusive cafeterias and the few that get or have gotten caught up now or did fly in and out sometimes daily.  Turns out my transition from traveler/travel nurse to staff nurse and having a stable home etc is turning out to be quite a journey!  I can't stop there- cause just like with my social worker and her saying these meetings we go to and learn about the process are so false, yeah, imagine spending a year in jail (not my story) and finding out the same thing.  It could be such a reality fuckwith mess on top of spirit crushing.  Oh great, now he's blaming us for peoples spirits on top of empathy and I still don't know what that is...  
      

I'm Alive... I think...I am?

It just goes around and around and around... yes, the Earth does.  No, it doesn't have to but in correlation with everything else it starts there. 

To the person I saw today who I think gave me that red blanket that night it was raining and cold in the park- naturally, I got side tracked, said hello, then when I kinda put two and two together and then proceeded to say, 'Thanks for the blanket!'  I wish I could have apologized for your finding it or seeing it in the park where you found/gave it to me a day or two later.  But, it was raining for days and I'm literally homeless- not that I live with my mom and claim benefits of being homeless or have a 'bitch.'  That and 'nigga' are used the same way I do things- in jail when it was pill call I would say, 'Josh in 31 be having pill call.'  The odds are not in my favor that anyone but me gets the joke.  Then I did it as a way of kinda dealing with the reality of wanting to get out of my cell after a CO had provoked the dorm by being an hour late with dinner- I observed, inmates kicked the doors and then he came in and instead of letting us out of our cells to go and get our trays- brought the trays one by one to each door.  So at night pills call- I was aching to get out of cell like whoa- So then I said it as a way to yell, but not yell.  Now, I think its a way of justifying being a hott mess when I was in there.  So just to tell you, I think they do those things on purpose, after that I was, as was the rest of the dorm locked down for like two or three days?  It was a while, cause all it did was lead to one thing after another.  Back to why I left it, it was big, bulky, so comfortable, and was something I thought someone less fortunate who may yet have resources to wash it would benefit from it.  I took it to the King Library- was turned away, they didn't allow bed linens.  I argued, they said no- it was after all in the same clear zippy package you brought it to me in.  That was amazing cause all I saw was your shoes.  I think I had a little fleece throw but it was only big enough to cover my front- and had to be from one corner to the opposite of the other (if that makes sense.  Here, I feel like my saying that makes people think I think they are stupid or offends them in some way.  I'm asking if in my sometimes 'round about way of explaining things did I make sense.)  So not having a bus pass- I then walked to another library I knew the location of because I didn't have a phone and that's all I knew to do.  They didn't care or have a security guard who I'm sure got challenged later either by blog or another patron who knows the shit that goes on, because I left it the morning I had something I needed to finish- one of my many dead ends I've been pursuing.  (See this is the story I should be telling, but as the toilet thing in St. James park is currently out of order at least my last blog gives a place the money could be going besides someones pockets and broken million dollar thrones)  If I had a phone I would take a pic and show it to the other readers- it's like a green egg grill but the toilet version.  The one over by Walgreen's works- today I went to use it (the one by walgreen's- yes, i checked the one in the park... no I don't know how to report it's out of order status) and found someone in it, though the screen said (thanks Adam Levine for making it all right, cause I do need some sweetness in my life- music in my ears!)  that it was vacant.  There was a black man inside- who in his way explained or said 'My bad', he has a (I argue possibly a real form of PTSD and mental illness/the medications nasty side effects that I'm assuming give way to his rhythmic repetitive movements, that combined with the hand gesture he was able to make.  I hate this place.  1.  It's hot as a mother fucker.  (If I know you and you have to edit this for your daughters, I'm sorry.  She will argue that you're taking away from it and making it less real.)  I saw him one more time before coming here- and thought what an asshole I was... I still was like- ugh!  When he was in there and it said vacant and had to 'deal' with him even though he was kind and no problem to me.  Just that there are only two of them in the city, maybe three- but that one is in the same area and arguably never works either.  But, it's the only COOL place he may or may not have access to!  His story could be that he's kicked out of the shelter's at the butt ass crack of dawn, a 'get to work, get busy, do better, get your shit together' motto, combined with a city system that keeps him down and his stuff getting stolen- and he's black, his skin is different and will dry out and damage faster then mine will, a library that he's been profiled at and bullied at, needing to stay in the area he's familiar with or knows, and boom- that's why he's in there- sadly, but hopefully, people know him as a regular and he doesn't 'scare' someone or get entrapped or profiled more for the only option he may have available based on the options and resources available.  Yes, he could go to the library- security will do what they do, students may or may not be cool kids, don't even let me trip on the employees because they have a type of stank up their nose that can only make what I'm saying true! So, the man reality checked me today- as someone who knows better!  Fuck!  I am so mad at myself.  I almost was lazy and went to King library to ask if they would un-ban me.  Instead, I'm going to pursue it legally so maybe they will get their shit together!

In my mind I went to school with, college with, or socially know those who could be billionaires, create artificial health technology, make the world better, or are just everyday people making the most out of their communities or where they live- even if it's by being a legit drug dealer.  (vs an undercover drug dealer selling bad shit as an 'initiative.')

Here's a tip- and I don't think my blogging about it will change it.  If you ever feel you're being recorded or something without you're knowing it- like in a city park or whatever that's just 'part of it' now.  Do this- you essentially hashtag them into the system- I just don't know how far it would go.  So- literally say drugs, or.... and see if things change.  then say sex or fuck, or rock a picnic table in a way of 'tappin that ass.'  See if things change. Also- in my mind that goes into a much bigger system so if you say names you have to say their whole/full name.... Kim Kardashian is now kim kardashian west... I don't know how the information gathered relates to the information she gets or is notified of.  Same with P. Diddy.  My point is I have a nursing degree- I just put things together and live my life- luckily life has helped me hit rock bottom- yes, it can be worse or better.  But, I lost total sense of reality when I was diagnosed with HIV- I had a job (which I was then fired from), a place to stay, and friends.)  I cannot imagine what it would have been like if it was in a situation like I'm in now.  I wish they could do HIV tests on bodies they find in the gutters, etc and see how many un-diagnosed cases their are.  Additionally, I wonder if it might have been the best for them as compared to my situation.  I think knowing prevents spreading- but this gives reason as to why people here aren't tested and don't want to be.  Loose a few hours of sleep or even go 24-36 hours without sleep and see if you are a crazy homeless person with a home or without one.  Now do that for a week straight- i guarantee you if some of you stepped out into your own communities or a neighboring one and spent the night out side or 'tried' to you, for a few nights, then did or didn't try resources for a shower, then went to find food, or breakfast, or tried to go to work (oh, i would never could never- i would get fired.... my god damn point said perfectly by mine and your inner thought.... oh but, wait- whats that like after the night or days in 'your' community.).  Do people look at you differently, treat you differently, have you ridden the bus put together and then not put together- did you fit in either time?  (All we did was care for each other!  We would need someone to lean on!- the music in my head!)                        

I...

I... meant it when I said that thankfully I was there today in the EBT office at the Re-enty Resource center to tell someone that they should be able to get their food stamps same day- only not in this county for someone reason unbeknownst to me and is totally part of the reason I am right in my crazy roundabout way of blaming the authority figureheads and their cronies for everything.  A judge I heard got so mad he threw his crack pipe at his boy toy for not showing him my blog sooner! Sorry, for lashes after!  Ha!
So my presence in the EBT office led to the front lady scoffing off like 'Oh fuck, what do I do,' I'm sure her boss gave the approval after recommending that they miraculously make room for the man do that I would be like 'Oh wait, maybe some people do get same day appointments or oh wait, maybe things are changing?'  No fool- you're not fooling me or my medical social workers.  It's beyond my control to do anything but blog about it.  OK, so Camp David may or may not be here- if so, I'm sure the other government workers or protective people are allowed to vacation with and or around the same area... it makes sense... I've lived where some days celebrities walk around by themselves or their friends and no paparazzi bother them... like they are one of the regular people.  How does it not make sense that it would be the same for the government people.  I mean- no one has probably thought of it that way... Ah ha!  Now I am furious that someone is still reading my screen- who cares.  Well, if this is in and or around camp David then I guess the person who should be off duty or is one of those robots I keep mentioning.  It isn't hard to imagine- think of it as a House sitter- I robot that can clean, dog forbid you have a dog because a dog would hate that robot as does the dog who hates the irobot vacuum of anyone who has one.  The dog has a sense of loyalty- the robot i a red flag for 'that ain't right- I don't get it, I don't want it to hurt you- therefore let me bark and warn my master because I, unlike a cat- will not eat your face off if you die.'  Arguably that is why a dog also barks at the cat- because it's friends with the robot that... well we all know how that movie with Will Smith went.  Sadly, I think that him having a robotic arm speaks volumes to why there is a sequel that may be the nightmare I'm living in.
I just explained it so well to another patron at the library-good thing that there is audio and visual that will have it put into someones hands that only makes the equipment as good as the person operating it, overseeing it, or maintaining it.  Meaning, that could easily be the wrong hands as easily as it could be the right ones, as it goes up and down the chain of command.
On one of the light rails (no I like to railed hard) see, hopefully the snotty asswipe that's too good to read something that foul puts down the paper... unless this is the 8th time someones asked him to read it and he;s the one who didn't refer me to the THU and so he throws the crack pipe and picks up my paper.  Then, realizes... oh shit, this fool could be right- only I didn't know it was that bad... and hey, I do notice something is a little different.... Thank Goodness every thing has to be accounted for here as to account for the inevitability that they are discovered as to validate the validity of what they were, are, and are failing at doing.... so he threw it in anger but is now also thankful that he has me in his life because even he may or may not have known what was going on.
I don't buy into anything... not here.
My friend let me borrow a hoodie one time- she and I neither one paid attention to it... only that I told her later that I feel like people are giving me snarls and mean looking at me.  She said, Oh, did you have that same hoodie on (I was wearing said gifted hoodie.)  I replied yes!  Duh, I wear it all the time.  At the time I lived just down the street from Levi Stadium- rivalry can be a hell of a thing.  Especially when you shop on a gameday sunday.
Thank goodness, after that I didn't even care- but it... I do feel the need to justify myself because I am so mad that this is going on.  I need to and am going to report the arresting officer for sexual harassment and press charges.. but I am putting it here in my blog first because I literally think it might be impossible to do.
I don't care anymore- this is my story and my life, and I know better.  So the person I got drugs from here used to ask why I didn't go out and do anything or whatever after... well, that's because when you aren't around or when the drugs aren't the bunk shit from Santa Clara County it's more about the sex and fun and whatever else... he then told me oh, I like to go shopping or blah blah blah....  Mind you this is someone who is in on the whole crooked cop, under cover, informant nonsense.   It had been a few months and if my incentive theory is right he had only gotten out of the deal the 'perks of the job.'  He wanted the actual payday that was due to him from the City- but he doesn't get it until I act6ually get caught up in the system.  Which I am now in- if you think about normal places- Fire, medical, and the police come in some kind of order.  Not here.  Here, I was tagged and then strung along until after being put in a medical emergency situation was then placed into a cop car- I called 911 myself and told them i needed an ambulance- but in this system was tagged as one of the people being given bunk shit and to send police and not an ambulance- that led to me being held in jail over night and then released.  Sadly- the people here are stupid, and believe in... I don't know what they believe in- but after being released (which had it been under normal circumstances would have been the withdrawal time and time for me to get back in touch with my guy and get high again only for him to again alert the system that I was to be 'his' again as a way to start the whole process over again.'  Instead, he knew I was leaving- his desperation to get paid and not be a failure at his job increased as did the ratio of good and bunk.  Are you following me?  So if you know my story you know that I then tried to get the hell out of town as was planned only to not make it- I got dehydrated and attempted suicide.  *I argue that even the nurses in jail know what is going on because they tell you to stay hydrated, and check your blood pressure all the time when you first come in to jail, in some situations for some people that are or aren't tagged in the system.  A similar situation happened- only the guy had a seizure and fell out of his bed in jail and had to have a drain put in his head and then a shunt placed.  This is where my theory that it goes all the way up the chain of command comes into play.  I am not saying the child who committed suicide was on these drugs- but it speaks volumes as to why I am telling my story.  I know that had I been successful in my attempt my mother would have not forgiven herself (I hope so anyways- lets just go with everything being a normal world).  That is not her debt to pay- in a system that I hold responsible for that kid on facebooks suicide- that mom may or may not have any idea other then her own self as being at fault.  I am the one saying their is more going on that affects everyone- in so many ways.  It's not my problem... well it is if the city has been doing all this behind the scenes until it rained and the sewage and water systems made shit run down the streets.  It was like the cruise ship disasters you hear about- only wait... if we spent all that tax money on the water and sewage systems what happened?  Oh wait- all your money is going to these behind the scene antics that are further increasing the gap of disparities and raising the level of need and corruption in a city that's running out of resources as the world calls bullshit.
This is my story- all I know is even my medical social worker who has seen some of this first hand today said, 'This is amiss' when we were trying to figure out where my 'free' phone was on the website provided by the company.  Is it a coincidence?  Does she have the power to bring about the attention needed for change and justice?  I don't think so, and I hope so- but just in case and in the interest of learning from history and not letting it repeat itself... I give you this-

p.s.- I've written like 4 drafts of a letter to send to a friend in jail- and I can't get to a stamp or envelop.  Even my EBT was stolen and after having it reprinted now has Zero dollars on it when there should be $166- sorry I have to write down my PIN and sorry that I don't have a phone to report and file a claim for it on and sorry there was no cash aid on it yet and sorry for.... Bullshit!  Yet, Marco at the re-entry center asked me yesterday about my application for cash aid... he doesn't work in the EBT office.  And today Marco also told me that I could go there everyday for food.  Bullshit!  Bullshit!                                      

Distractions suck- and bullying is real, hate is real.  The struggle I'm going through is real.  Here in San Jose, A City in Santa Clara County or The City of San Jose... The ones like me who come here new are targets, as are the students and any international or national that has the pleasure of enjoying the benefits of the corrution that exists here.  Things sadly are just that bad.  I dare say they push ervery relapse and addiction triggering buttion someone may or maynot even know they have.  Additionally, they further from the idea that relapse is a part of recovery- as a city wide initiative to--- if you say it's not possible that a city would cook meth as an initive to to not only create a premium product for their undercovers to benefit from and then to have a matrix or allgorythm to not only create the reason I say they don't outsource adn that aint right.  New people is new eyes and 'hmmm.... that doesn't seem right.' 
I don't think it is everywhere- if anything I think that my leaving San Jose with memoriabilia if you will- clothes, etc is the reason I was mugged there by someone from here or with ties to here.  I wish I could say that they were doing the real good of spending money as they should or i think hta they ought to.  But I dare say, they are- but as a corrupt system to further solidify their actions.  Do I think that it's odd I've had the same pattern of a skin reation/ hives/ sunburn- once.  once I had a hives reaction on my arm with a sunburn and then once without.  Like I said I'm an outlier- or am I? depends on if your from here or not and if you know stuff.  I will sadly not be like the rest and leave.  I think that's why I didn't get housing from the judge.  Because I have said- and yes, I can be and so can you. be that big where you live.  And to a corrupt system that's scary.  Scary enough to possibly try to up the murder total in LA- only, they underestimated my abilities to literally 'run like Rachel' only in place.  I told a google person I wish I could add a video here and the bitch from facebook did it first!  haha, jkjk- I should say that considering I slap like a man.  Ha!  (If I'm Rose where is Jack?)  Some how that is not and just now coming to me - only in my ow story.

I am