Did anybody catch or feel that hate?

I was slapped by Maya Angelou this morning, figuratively and literally by the words I used yesterday in my posting about the Officer and my arrest… I refuse to edit it. 

On yes, her episode of Masterclass she speaks to 'words being things.'  They get on your rugs, upholstery, walls, and eventually into you.  Oprah, Ms. Winfrey, attests to her 'inviting someone to leave her home' after they used a racial slur or... exactly the language I used yesterday.   

 

It was not the first time I had relived the arrest in my head, but I’m telling you- there’s something to be said about the therapy that is journaling, writing it, typing it, verbalizing it for someone else to hear… that added a reality to my morning I was ashamed of.
    

I called someone- officer, not an officer… I called a human being a cunt and a bitch……. Several times.  And I don’t have any idea how many times bitch was used but- cunt=1…. And that’s one to many for me.  I have never called someone that to their face, very few times in thought… and sadly this isn’t bravado language.

I wasn’t showing out, but I am human- and pissed at her for disrespecting a ‘house’ I respect, for disrespecting me, her job, and creating doubt where there should be none.  ‘House’- the badge, the shield- I’m a nurse… odds are when I leave my home in the morning I’ll be returning to it.  On a daily basis it is so not true for them- nothing is routine.  Their salaries are posted online in every city because they are city employees- however much it is… to go out into battle every minute you’re on your job, it isn’t enough- hence the respect.  I am human therefore treat me with respect.  Not respect I deserve or earn… as a human being- respect is to be commanded just in that.

Bottom line- I will never use that word again with the energy I had behind it yesterday.  I have lived and learned- and if I truly learn from it, it will not be relived.  

 

It’s a hate word, and the way I used it yesterday was a verbal hate crime against another human being.  

 

If I edit the ‘hate’ I used, then I’m no better.  I thought about going through the posting and changing the words… DVC was not nor had she ever been a showgirl- she was a headliner.  And I am human, nothing human can be alien to me.

Omit those parentheses- it was hate.   

I’m sorry.   I fucked up and thankfully whomever the 93 people are that have read it so far… lemme just post this now before I’m face to face with one of them and get physically slapped… to be continued.  

Imagine if we were to talk about this face to face.... holy moly we'd relive the never ending story that is my need to give circumstance and context...... see, still doing it.  

Situation

Background

Assessment

Recommendations 

I can't just walk up to someone and say I'm sorry- reasons, feelings, and all that crap have to go into it or else it doesn't apply or convey the message...

That I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.