You have to acknowledge, before you can....
I, of course, follow Madame Speaker on Instagram and there were pictures from Representative Cummings funeral- it was like so real. I don’t know if you could or can feel emotions behind photos- but if you go look at these on her instagram maybe you’ll see what I’m speaking to. It’s like you sense the twenty three (I’m only counting incumbent years in the House) plus years of a working ‘partner in crime’ relationship. I was told that I’ve created little family units as I’ve lived- at work, at school, socially, at home... I thought I was unique in this. But when I saw the photos I was like- she must do the same thing. It sucks- it isn’t fair and the healing process though is your own to have to weather through- the way in which you process thoughts about wrapping your existence around the fact that someone you’ve in a sense spent part of your life with is no longer going to be there- is figured out. After doing validated accredited academic research- you have the seven stages of loss... actually upon not being able to remember few I had to look it up and there are five. First you’re in denial, then you get angry, then comes bargaining- this was the worst when I was a kid... like the ‘but what if I...’ or ‘God I promise I won’t talk back to my parents anymore- if you just bring bring her back!’ It’s the worst for me, depression is next- I don’t like that word but it’s when you get sad. I read online that it’s like not only a mindset but also affects your actions. Refusing visitors (I got this from Wikipedia- I know I know, but it does well with this one), not talking to anyone or just being present but not- like absentmindedness to me doesn’t apply here because you’re grieving- I’m not absentminded asshole- I’m thinking of...., then comes acceptance-I’ve never had that ‘it’s going to be ok’ ah hah moment that is referred to, however- the I’m going to move on with them in my heart moment does eventually come for me. It’s good to go through things with people- I honestly even in just writing this have processed some of my own losses in life. I would go through these steps (most of us have experienced deaths of loved ones before we are educated about death as a ‘thing’ so maybe this just validates your sense of self and also- validation.... it’s ok to make this process your own. You may take a step forward, and back and forward- the sequence isn’t negotiable... if you go back to being sad and the ‘why now...’ ‘why me...’ ‘why him....’ (this is what I think of as my biligerant step- not really the drinking part but not not really... it’s like the crocodile tears and the racing thoughts and choppy thought, and the all of a sudden that shelf didn’t need to be on that wall step....all of that is like a sneeze, you try to hold it back, and another will come and then hopefully it’ll all just achhooooo out cause ‘I’m not putting that shelf back up on the wall- that’s the fourth effing time today!’ That person and your process for this though the stages are the same- the time frame and way of getting through this just tragic miserable swollen eyes and everyone knows what the hell kind of time I’m having right now vulnerable and.... see all of that is to each his or her or they own. Don’t believe that someone isn’t experiencing the same feelings at a lesser magnitude or greater magnitude then you are... that’s probably part of that angry stage- you didn’t care about him.... you’re not even sad or crying- your personality type plays into this as well- so if so and so got on your nerves at Christmas.... I hope so and so feels comfort in the company of others like her/other so and so’s. Cause- that pc or filter/wall or whatever isn’t there or as sturdy or even in my consciousness right now. It’s just too much- it sucks. Like- I already and called and told work what was going on- and now I have to do it again and again and.... bereavement- is something that isn’t standard but ought to be. Most places it’s a handful of days... but it’s acknowledging what you’re going through. Which means a lot. So if Congress needs a few days- I do hope they do so— because we’re not our best professionally.... until we’ve at least started this process... and no, the process doesn’t start automatically or instantly. Like I said, the time frame is your own... but I left that detail out which is annoying. Ugh- I hate when that happens... and see, I ain’t really going through shit at the moment and can’t get all this correct or the way I want it... in a bit I’m going to the market, let’s see how my strut is cause tripping with no luggage or grocery bags or no bags- maybe it won’t abundantly present. But oh well, if it is... hopefully I don’t make this girly ass sex grunt/inaudible cuss word (I wanna say noise but that just doesn’t do it justice...) all rolled into something of a yelp. That’s it. I know- and. Just after asking for directions, with fluids and a little nosh, and a gym bag and wasn’t even looking at my phone... I had to grieve over the effing loss of my ID that night and all the grief it was now going to bring about in my daily struggle. So- don’t be surprised if you do this, off and on for a year or so... Christmas only comes once a year... but for instance not having a coffee my usual coffee buddy comes more frequently and sometimes at a overwhelming pace. Not having someone to help you through future losses or time of difficulty.... that’s why I finally figured out what works for me... and to be honest... I ain’t got shit figured out! But- you even have to grieve over those things like individually and in the moment/as they come kinda way... I know, even sex. It’s just like- this would be where the ‘why me...’ statement earlier doesn’t seem so douche like! The time off thing was thinking of the ‘you’ve got to care for yourself, so that you can be at your best to care for others!’ See, I’m selfish! I told you... oh yes Congress take a few days! That way you can be at your best in your roles as public servants. See, it’s not for you... it’s for me! (I don’t think this was as funny as I wanted it to be... but in case a ‘you know who/what is behaving and remarking in typical fashion...’. So acknowledge with the self concern, self care, or time off to even start this process.... as if one person asks a question, then probably five others have the same one.... if you need time for this, probably so do others (and I’ll be the asshole and say that there are some incumbents that see this as a ‘something to use for leverage or time to act as they are sad and grieving and don’t have their guards up’ instead of a time for grieving, healing, and growth... and unity or the ‘coming together that happens’.... then you can honor moving forward!
I am so sorry that you all are going through this.
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