I’m so much less stressed...the house I’m living at has changed a bit (not saying I got anyone out because I don’t have that much power nor am I like that) like all of a sudden there isn’t any real sabotaging going on... isn’t that weird. Like, I’m still cautious. I felt safe about purchasing a duffle bag to replace the back pack that had been broken... like, I’m not going to have to deal with this much longer right? The odds in my mind I feel like are in my favor however- I do feel as though in actuality it’s not going to happen. For example- I made an appointment with a benefits counselor, yay right? No, not so much. She calls and tries to cancel the appointment. Telling me a co-worker told her to. And I’m just like what in the hell is going on? I told her this is funny/ironic- because this literally happens every time, every single time that I am trying to acquire money or justice or anything that might do me some good. My family didn’t know I was receiving benefits for the longest- or else I probably would have had a difficult time then. Not that I’m telling them my every move now, as in I try to not deal with them but I am currently or have had a MacBook Air, an iPad Air 2 (with cellular service), and maybe 2 iPhones out there for anyone to possibly tamper with my stuff on. Let me not play like the West Hollywood Sheriffs May not be having some fun with all this because they are the ones that have my MacBook Air... that they say they destroyed. I am so over it. What makes me sadder is that I tripped and fell the other night and my iPhone is broken, like the screen. What’s funnier is this is the same kind of phone that was stolen when I got attacked in 2016 or 2017- the last time I had an apple device until like 6 months ago when I got this one. Which I am so thankful for. But I have so much to do and I’m going to anyways- but like, I went to lunch the other day and the food was so good. It was so nutritious and delicious and what I used to eat everyday. I felt slimmer/sexier and set forth this whole mindset of gotta get shit done and motivation that I just came home and took a nap. Cause I can’t do anything or get anything done. My back ground check that I had done told me that I had a warrant which I didn’t know I had it maybe just forgot about? It seems crazy but I just... I remember telling my public defender that I wanted to see the body worn camera evidence which she didn’t show me, that I wanted to possibly take up issue with the LAPD over it, and she never really answered my question as to if I took a deal could I still do these things. That was everything I was concerned about vs what anyone was actually saying to me about other stuff. So anyways I called ms young in the public defenders office and she Like was telling me how irresponsible I was and how the ONLY reason to miss court is maybe, maybe being in a coma, and I just didn’t and don’t trust her at all now. Like, not in the least. Ima have to walk into that court room, with out a suit on cause I don’t have one... and pray they don’t hold me hostage again for months at a time. Yes, they can and do remand people directly from court. Like- don’t pass go, don’t collect $200, don’t have a Diet Coke, don’t do anything, but go to jail. Even after surgery when they came and got me out of my hospital bed to take me to court in the jail ward at the hospital when I took the deal I was put in the court tank with an IV and hospital gown on after. I’m like whoa I’m in soaks with no shoes- I’m not really dressed for this. Are you trying to get me killed?!
And just for an example- did you know there are people who pick, or are called ‘pickers’ in this world? Like- almonds, strawberries, who knows what else is still picked by hand in our country. How do you feel about that? I’m like- damn cotton is procured by a big ass machine- I’ve seen it. I don’t know how long it’s been around but I guarantee the first version was like the titanic and ran off of coal and steam or something. But oh no, even to this day as you enjoy that strawberry you’re about to eat, or throw away because you’ve let it sit in your refrigerator too long... just know it was hand picked just for you. Seriously.
This is short and kind of to the point but I’m tired and stressed and my birthday is next month and even though I have come far- I still have a lot of things to accomplish and oh I say an undetermined amount of hurtles that will come my way depending on how things go. I still don’t know how I survived in San Jose, they wouldn’t even give me gr there.... they kept saying they needed something that was unobtainable to me because it kept going to my moms house and she would say she never got it. So I was just stuck there for a year- not getting any benefits, living on the street, out of care for HIV because every time I went to the doctor I would get my meds only to have them stolen that day.... literally. I guess they are worth something... I wouldn’t know... either I take my meds as prescribed or they are stolen. Usually while I sleep. Which is why I struggle so hard to sleep sometimes. It’s like I know it was my parents or someone like that that stole all my shit that first time anyways... like, then they use that instance, created by them, an an excuse as to why I shouldn’t replace the items stolen? Like what kind of sick stuff is that. I still sometimes wait for someone to just blow the whistle- (what up too short) and say ok... it feels so fake. Like, it’s really this hard? Imagine someone living the 20 million dollar home lifestyle finding out that someone in my position is expected to get they shit together or something of a life back with $221 a month. I mean red wine was just spit all over that new $25k couch and I do feel so bad about that and also appreciate things like that... but $221 a month and that’s not even available in all states or counties. Like- wtf. No wonder people on the side walks walking around looking crazy... but the longer it takes to get more money to these people the legit more mental illness and more progressed the mental illness becomes. I’m sad to say that current research or data shows that mental illness is progressive. Like- it doesn’t get better... you can maybe stop it or slow it’s progression but you can’t recover from it. Granted the treatment options available are getting better and more available so all that can change... that’s what’s amazing about you and I... we can literally adapt, grow, change, contribute, reproduce and die with dignity.... then, here’s the important part. When St. Peter starts his bit, which I believes goes a little like this, ‘so, I know on earth they put a ton of pressure on you... but here’s the real- either you can walk through these gates to heaven and chill for eternity, or you can use all the wisdom passed down to you at birth combined with what you learned in your life and go back down and be a game changer. What do you pick?’ Can I tell you that I believe some souls have been going up and coming right back down from the beginning. I’m hoping and praying everyday that my fiend and I have done it this time. That we’ve made it so a man who is straight and a man who is gay can be friends without judgement or prejudice. Cause literally I was the one King Tut trusted to see what color his butt was and ever since then he and I have been putting in work. The problem is information and knowledge is finally somewhat free and universal. Thanks for reading and now go and do the most in your community.
Ok so wow…. I’m in Santa Monica- of course their library is like five blocks from the ocean so the air is phenomenal and the kindness is like palpable. I was at the promenade lurking around the Apple store looking at the new MacBook airs. Does it get any better? They are like breath taking haha- amazing that a laptop can do that to me but it’s more of the appreciation factor I think- I would not have survived nursing school without it. My birthday is in 26 days I think- I can’t believe that I’ll be 33…. September 13th cannot get here fast enough…. I’m hoping that I get to go have a nice lunch or dinner, maybe a massage, see a friend or two, maybe presents (but not required) and just enjoy the amazing life that I have. It sounds so like cliché or poetic the way I’m saying it… and don’t worry the bitchiness that is usually free flowing from the keyboard or my mouth is still present but just on a real… I am so thankful to be where I am and who I am. If someone is struggling to have that kind of peace I do hope that you find it- its honestly something that I had to just accept…. I had to give myself permission to just be me. As clumsy, awkward, and charming as I am- once I accepted that how I am today and tomorrow may change but who I am is always the same… I am one of those people that can literally fluctuate from five pounds to ten pounds day to day. Its infuriating. But I love that about myself. Somehow I’m like broke as a joke though- ugh I don’t know how but all my money for the month is gone- but I’ll get my hustle on and it’ll be ok. I have to go to court… to be honest I think that I am just going to write my judge a letter and tell him what all is going on- I just don’t trust walking up in there and being able to walk out. I hope that’s the case- but like I said… who knows. It’s funny how now they consider not letting someone out, the way they have me in the past…. Coercion. Like, where and when can that be applied to my past cases so I can get a better ruling… cause I’ll be host had I not been in jail for all my like 10 misdemeanors and 3 felonies there is no way I would have taken any deals…. We would have been going to the box for all of them. My public defender here in la told me that it’s not possible to go back… and I’m like ummm… yes it is. I was in jail and wanted out… now I have a clearer understanding and have been able to do some res3earch which I wasn’t able to do….
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