Day 1 consecutive!

Ha me and this lady are both clearly equally moved by another’s compassion- this tatted up daddy of man (some may be a little you know wary of) adjusted this man who I’m assuming is paralyzed from the neck down as he had a mouth piece to operate his wheel chair.  Anyways, the man adjusted his hat for him, and then straightened him up in his chair. It was like, I dunno, me and this lady both looked at each other ready to cry lol. I live for moments like that. I bet that mans actions and the good vibes that the entire rail car felt had to be passed on and felt throughout the city. I love it. Like- I love it.

Now on the how $155 million is being moved from FEMA to support the border camp and it’s system... right as an effing hurricane is coming for the states!  Like? Is this real... ? I keep waiting for SJP and Matthew McConaughey to call bullshit!  

I have to say thanks to Alan Walker- I’m listening to EDM Hits and he’s naturally all over it.  I just remember watching his music videos two years ago and having some sort of fire lit 🔥 inside me to fight back, ya know? I had lost that- I was just going to let my parents win- they still waiting on that insurance money and hoping I die in the streets versus an old and happy ass man who is gay with HIV loving another man.  That’s ok. I’m thankful, so thankful to people at The AH that brought me back to life... Sorry I’m in an emotional mood kind of.  I had the most amazing home cook Mexican food :) so delicious. And now a few errands- it’s been a busy week. I can’t believe I’m going to be 33 on September 13th!  Naturally, Friday the 13th!

So here is my amazon wish list:

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/27D0U7DXI23HC?ref_=wl_share

The address is correct so feel free haha. I am going to update it a little more.  I have everything from desperately needed tech to gym clothes and workout essentials to an over the door towel rack thingy and a candle that reminds me of loved ones. ;) haha too bad I can’t put a Mercedes or apartment on there!

I am going to put my nose in The Audacity of Hope!  I can’t wait. I was reading it when I got arrested last year... and they left it in the park... I still owe the weho library for that.  I’m going to the gay and lesbian center for their legal clinic. I can’t wait. I hate to talk too much about plans like that but at the same time- I can’t have y’all just thinking I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing.  But it’s hard, especially when I was in the streets to have the courage to try and pursue justice.  I know that’s cowardly of me and how many people have suffered from the same injustices I have all because I was too scared to pick up the battle as Dr. Angelou says. She says, ‘pick it up!’ So now even though I’m not in stable housing I have to start.

Can LA Library please support some LAFC with a card? ;)

If no ones told you today, I love you.

I made tentative plans for my birthday... it’s been 6 years, maybe 7 since I actually had plans on my birthday... and I am so excited. ;) like, teary eyed over it.

Oh and is anyone else concerned with Brexit. I feel like creating one of those Facebook banner things that says, ‘Praying for Brexit!’

daily posts are coming...

Has anyone else watched wonder? Omg- I watched it in jail and someone asked me if I had seen it and literally the tears were already there and he was like yep- you’ve seen it.   Everyone is just phenomenal...

$10,316 per person with them saying 60,000 people without homes and $619 million is what they spent and can’t nobody understand why the number isn’t changing- thanks for the digits CNN.  Seriously. Cause I’m not complaining but you have to think in that money people were also paid that work in the industry also? Or was that actual dollars that actually touched those 60,000 lives? It’s a lot of money... but Ivan caused an estimated US$20.5 billion (2004 USD) in damage in the United States (as per google), per the insurance journal Over the past two years, storms including Michael, Irma and Harvey led to scores of deaths and over $250 billion in damages.  I’m kind of an all or nothing person... you know go big or go home... like if you’re going to tackle a problem... are you going to like ‘truck it’ (yes, I’m referencing football) or you gonna like tug at its waist line like a... and still get scored on?  It’s just that, I’m referencing a game... and this isn’t a game, this is real life (as a teacher of mine so righteously put it) and we’re talking about people and their lives.  It’s like with all that’s going on in the world, where is the love? It’s poetic... but if you have live in your heart there is no way you can attack people or have judgement in your heart... now I’m having love right now so I’m trying not to go their with the baby boomer group but you know I have to... cause they are all about ‘tough love’, and ‘he needs an ass whippin’ and lets take away healthcare from people, and let’s... it’s all very conservative and liberal and yes coming from someone who is without a home... but I haven’t always been that way. And I don’t and haven’t planned on being so this long... and it’s not that I don’t qualify... it’s that it’s literally not available.  There literally isn’t enough supply to fill the demand...  it’s that every day the supply isn’t changing, people are dying, suffering, and I hate to go there but increasing healthcare costs and in a way that’s not needed/ the demand is going up day by day and the healthcare costs that I’m speaking of literally shouldn’t exist... if I hadn’t been without a home, having been basically kidnapped by the sheriffs, bused to San Jose for a case I could have beat (and intend to go back and fight because holding someone without bail is indeed coercion) on a bench warrant that I called multiple times and told them I was in the hospital and couldn’t come...then... yeah they don’t send you back... so I was like trapped there... and that entire hospital stay for when I was attacked by those three people with golf clubs or a lead pipe or whatever it was... ugh I was actually sleeping, like it’s funny you get to a place of safety and the night terrors and memories come back slowly and geez if sometimes I don’t wake up like I did that day and have a fear that they are about to come walk up on me and ‘whack whack whack’ i can literally here each hit in my head from like how it sounded internally. It was like ‘whack- oh shit’, ‘whack- that really effing hurts,’ ‘whack- oh shit there goes my left lung,’ ‘whack- oh that was my head,’ ‘whack- oh that’s going to leave a mark.’ I think I had 37 or 43 whack marks on my body... and had to be in the hospital for days and have x-rays and a Chest tube, and IV’s and antibiotics and yeah, they had to feed my person with no home ass and... no they didn’t let me shower once I had the chest tube and once they removed it the lady was like oh just wait until you get where you’re going to shower... cause I was being discharged that same day... like all of those costs and trauma could have been avoided. Not to mention your attitude and self invalidation that’s going to come when you or if you say or think to yourself- oh it wasn’t that bad if he’s talking about it like this with all that third personisms (or the way I’m able to talk about it and stuff) and stuff.   No, it’s just that I’m me and this is how I’ve always looked at things... imagine me as a five year old and you know why my parents are the way they are towards me- just a problem child. I mean I can’t let them down right? Ha!  My birthday is in 18 days. Gosh I never thought I’d make it to 30 and I’m going to be 33- that’s crazy. Hey I’m so happy to be alive it’s obscene- it doesn’t make sense to people and sometimes I seem depressed and I am... but not really at myself... just the situation and how there is literally no way out.  I found the black hole of planet earth... and it’s the justice system of the states. 

The U.S. has sustained 250 weather and climate disasters since 1980 in which overall damages/costs reached or exceeded $1 billion. Values in parentheses represent the 2019 Consumer Price Index cost adjusted value (if different than original value). The total cost of these 250 events exceeds $1.7 trillion.

https://www.ncdc.noaa.gov/billions/events.pdf

It sucks because the only reason we’re able to track anything in regards to those without homes is because of the affordable healthcare act/Obama care and that’s just since 2010. I’m trying to figure out how long it takes to like look into the numbers for those without homes from like an evidence based practice level but it’s like we don’t even really have ten years of data. What do most people do once they are in homes- they ummmm get jobs or do something productive (they go to movies, pay for bus/metro rides, get cars, pay for gas, go to school or university, give back to the community, open businesses, eventually buy homes, have children that graduate secondary school, it’s seems like all of that is good for economic growth right?) - I don’t wanna speak for them but it seems as though they get or if it’s ‘too late for them’ in a sense of being disabled because of the traumas they’ve endured or been subject to- imagine before ‘W’ a person on the streets could be stabbed show up to an er to receive emergency care and be turned away!  Hell, the oldest gay person that’s been to prison is literally probably in their 50’s!  I know I talk about this all the time but like even right now all the funding is frozen? Ok ok it’s sitting somewhere collecting interest? Or is it even there? I dunno what the Feds are doing with it. But I’m like so annoyed around the situation.   These are just stressors that people do not need in their already difficult lives- and no you judgmental twat- life is not difficult for everyone.  Everyone does not have to struggle to stay alive. What came first? The chicken or the egg?  The effing coop or chicken house.  

Hey, do you ever do those receipt surveys? Like the ones ‘take a 2 minute survey and be entered to win $500’ or a thousand or two thousand dollars... do you know anyone that’s ever won one of those?  I get frustrated cause like the lady that won the hgtv dream home... like I entered once.  She Entered like twice a day and I’m not trying to speak for her but dang... that’s kind of what gets me sometimes, how many others did that? Like, people are hard up for homes. I guess my point is that if it was in the ‘system’ in place currently there might be some financial help coming, such as some type of stimulus or talk of one... (go blue(Democrats)! I’m just saying... the red(Republicans) has got to go). Haha justin Bieber is singing in my ears I am the only one.... and it’s like the democrats are the only party for us/the states.  I went to this two hour long thing the other day for a $30 gift card.  Like I’m grateful for it but it’s like... it’s like the above... throwing pennies at a tornado. I tried to go buy a backpack at the store it was from and I couldn’t find one at that price or under.  Like- it wasn’t available, even online haha. I did feel a little defeated at that point.  So food stamps is $6 per day- which I’m grateful for, I am... but if you’re supposed to have 6, 8 oz glasses of water per day and like me have HIV and are only supposed to drink purified/bottled water and live in an area where there isn’t something phenomenal like Trader Joe’s where water is like $0.25 a bottle then literally those 6 bottles of water are you $6 a day.  

I read that they are doing some addiction recovery stuff or study and seeing if a rewards system works or helps. It’s like- that works for a child being potty trained but it just further goes to show that privacy and peoples personal business who are actually victims of trauma are going to be even further traumatized by a rewards system?  (Haha can the rewards system be being left the eff alone...) A rewards system is being studied... I don’t know what all the details were, it didn't specify.  It seems a bit childish? Or like is that really what someone thinks will help (sorry I'm picturing Oprah shouting 'you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!')..... ok cool, if so then can you please reward the person with a clean record? A new reputation?  Freedom from whomever or whoever are deciding the rewards or even building that system?  Cause it’s too much that... do they do that for diabetics? For people with hypertension?  Haha and do the people that have both addiction and hypertension get double?  Or is that only if it’s idiopathic hypertension? I dunno- are the people told that they will be rewarded or that said system exists?  Because it would be unethical if not. Just saying... the rewards system would be set up by an unbiased party or would it be someone they know?.... it is all relevant. Unethical would be the key word.  Now if they know... and publishing it in the paper isn’t enough. You actually would have to let every individual know, individually and consent would need to be obtained.  Just saying. 

Oh and I got it... so back in the day there wasn’t such mass communication.  So if you owned stocks you were in the know about the split... but if not then you got a $2 bill in the mail?  That’s what I heard happened...who knows though.  

Girl I’m about to queen out right now over how good the lightening version of music is v the kind w the cord. Omg! Thanks Apple!

:)

When I was younger I liked wrestling... like WWF before WWE just because it was like my last attempt to try to like... try to have my family accept me... after that I was kind of done.  

It’s weird I’m 32 about to be 33- no idea why people say going on.... but moving on, I was before iphones,  email, computers, just look at what cars looked like in the 90’s!  Julia Roberts as Erin Brovovitch drove that suv and what in the world? No they don’t make them anymore but think of like... a big box barreling down the road. Literally, cars were metal and think of only one stock exchange... I mean people with the $2 bills have proof I guess. I don’t know why Great Britain is wanting to pull out of the EU- European Union. Someone has told me a few times I’m more queer then a $3 bill and I dunno what that means but if you split the stock exchange again or create a new one... like what I understand is that literally if you had two stocks, guess what now you have 4. As in if you had 2 shares of a company, now you have 4.  Is that odd?  Haha and this was even before my time!  Like none of this is really on the internet. Or if it is what someone did was they went to a library... probably like the library of Congress of something, pulled up those film/screen printing things and read... what I hope they did was cite they source.  Cause I’m just saying... I don’t know that I would trust someone else to talk about it.  Or maybe I would. I dunno.  And I could be wrong but if something like that were to happen and... not saying it shouldn’t but I’ll be pissed as someone with no stock cause if I have no shares in any companies... does that mean I end up with 1? Or do I still only have 0?  Cause like that gap you’ve got to watch for swelling... that makes my head swell a little. Or maybe my temper a little.  Cause there goes the gap!  And someone told me today that Obama phones should be available in Alabama. Yay! I do hope that those who need them know about them and seek them out. Please don’t take my asshole remarks about them as a ‘I ought not get one’ cause that’s not true... they even call Puerto Rico and Mexico.  Which is phenomenal as those places are basically, or I thought they were, apart of us.... you know... like Alaska.  Which is basically the size of the entire United States...I mean that’s crazy right?  Kinda sort of- or at least that’s what I learned and hope to be true.  It’s annoying to think that I would question such a thing... but lemme just say- I did learn a lot in my philosophy 101 class... as painful as it was.  I mean it was truly painful... it kind of taught me a new way of thinking.  Like, why wouldn’t there be something on the other side of the door?  Well, but how do you know there is? Haha.  I’m sure some high schools teach it but mine didn’t   There is a class system that’s kind of annoying.  No idea what the curriculum of a private school is or how it varies but there has to be a reason some people put their kids in them...I don’t know why they have the  bus then the other more expensive faster bus... ugh and I hate that people can see inside the bus, the lights being on I don’t care about though it is a pain with regards to getting off the bus and then there not being a lot of street lights or even if there are it takes my eyes a minute to adjust, but yeah at night people can see all up in my ride yet I can’t even look out to see landmarks to acclimate myself to where I am... or even if I am where it says I am. I know I know a little far fetched... but I dunno.  I hate that I keep wow factors in my bag so that people leave my stuff alone.  I hate that I have a very difficult time trusting women in a lot of ways.  I hate that I have put those that genuinely care though whatever I’ve put them through. Like, one day soon I have to apologize with those that I made plans with and rsvp’d to and set up possible graduate school classes with... I didn’t intend to not show up or let them down or hell possibly even put their job in jeopardy.... it was like I was hoping if I made those plans or had something like that in my life it would bring me back to LA or somehow make it so that the gr office in San Jose would approve my application so I could get there by myself or be able to get a pair of glasses or do anything... but it never happened. Oh well, cheers to honestly things being and getting better.  Slowly but surely... and I am so happy that ‘the art of racing in the rain’ is going to be made a movie... it really is such a good heart warming feel good book. ;) 

That’s what makes me mad about not being able to find an attorney that will help- like, I’m sure they know that people have strokes From the food in jail or gain over one hundred pounds in three months or heart attacks. Like the cholesterol levels alone might make a public health professionals cholesterol go out of whack.  It’s like being in primary school and having to eat the school lunch- but it’s got nothing but soy.... which no I am not a fan of. For me- it does nothing but make me sleepy and is literally the exact opposite of the diet that... ugh, that means I totally need to tell my doctor to put in my medical record that I’m allergic to gluten.  So FYI that’s the only way to get a gluten free diet if in jail... naturally they fucking tell you this when you’re in there instead of when you can actually do something about it. Like- oh let me just call my physicians office, cause I know their number but heart/from memory and they’ll accept a collect call, right/correct? These are the expectations set.  Not to mention that they will cut your shit up... like the draw strings in your gym shorts.... and you know in trauma bays at hospitals we’ve done that as well and even though we had to cut your jeans or shirt to save your life and maintain c-spine precautions we then have reimbursed people for that.  Like for real... and that store list is double what it is in San Jose and doesn’t come from a third party like Aramark. So annoying.  I’m trying to make things better. Tomorrow I’m calling a ton of law offices.  And also- I’m sorry but before I go to court about my bench warrant I must go to the dentist.  I do hope they understand. If I could trust I would walk out of there then I wouldn’t prolong it for that but you know... 

Oh it’s now not illegal to sleep in your car but yet it was I guess though that law expired?  Laws expire? I am so confused.  Am I the only one that makes no sense to? If so shit can they all expire and just start over? Cause I’m not sure where ever that law about tying a giraffe to a light pole is illegal is still applicable/relevant.... however, I might be wrong.  But think of all the absurd laws that may exist like that. I mean you want to tackle something... here’s one... and I am glad that they got rid of the bail system or whatever... but I don’t know that it’s stopped people who live in government housing or hotels or those that get hotel rooms... it’s annoying pot que if you have a warrant and are in one of those places or dwellings or accommodations or entities or how many different words are there and is there where an ‘et al’ is used... or is that more for people like where you are listed under the same name, all have the same ID, but work in shifts like what some ‘officials or authority holding people’ do? Once I get face to face with an attorney I’ll be sure to ask and let you know. If you ask why someone would do that or why.... I am not tying to ask why or figure out why I just know I have the ocular proof and it’s so annoying.  Like, right now they be like well those dishes in the sink aren’t mine I’m not doing them... and I just be looking at them crazy like you’re a grown ass asshole- who the eff do you think you’re fooling.... it was your counter part/ you et al.   Ugh.  Anyways so if there are like one or two of you... or even if through the ‘making connections’ system of face book and all they will be like if so this person has a room here and is in a relationship or perceived relationship with this person who has a warrant... so come on partner let’s go come up real quick. This mam officer I overheard say she was getting like $1100 or $1800 for my rear that night. I mean and that’s additional on top of her salary/paycheck?  Like, for real though? But yeah, that includes government housing places like section 8 apartment buildings... they may not be supposed to do this... but I’ve been in court tanks and IRC holding and cellys with and in dorms with people who have said they are worried about their housing/home/apartment because if they are gone more then three days or something like that they get evicted. Not to mention I was in the dorm w a man who was arrested, and you won’t believe what happened... they impounded his cats and then he later found out that the pound had killed them... or what’s that called... put down. Both of them... he was crying because he was like all they needed was each other... like that they missed each other.  I was like- omg. I must admit that I didn’t really show that much emotion as it pertains to how I felt on the inside.  I seemed a little not surprising though I am/was...thinking of my laptop which kind of makes me seem like a douche bag.  It shows the complete disregard for a living creature. I’m not sure how deep the we only hold property for six months goes.  I mean I don’t know if they hold so many pets that they have their own like vet practices or facilities or whatever but it wouldn’t surprise. 

Omg so I’m going to have to see if the apple EarPods fall out of my ears like the wired ones do. It’s a legitimate concern for me.  True story- I’m not trying to loose one - I wonder if they have a magnetic thing that can like bring it back to its little case- what a nightmare... haha, I don’t intend to be dorky it just happens.  Imagine my awkward self- that’s all I need is to have to chase down one of those things at a metro station or if it lands under a bus like oh shit.  I don’t wanna say that if just let it remain on the ground and not chase after it but I can’t make any promises.  What an awful way to possibly waste $120.  Totally worth it- and actually I don’t think I’ve ever seen one fall out of someone’s ears or ear but... something to think about ya know?  

More to come...

Movies that I need for you to watch... Macfarland- Kevin costner is amazing and if this did well in theaters then yay!  [Seriously, I’m not trippin- get people off the streets, in homes (shared living, the type of housing I am in is still considered not having a home as it is not my own and I basically have no autonomy in a lot of aspects of my life.)and they will want to go tot he movies, and instead of hustling, having to do what they have to do to survive they will do what they want, enjoy, and what is better for everyone.  The economy will like boom and yes, when you go through housing and I haven’t actually made it nor do I think I will ever make it far enough... but, when you get into government housing they also support you in acquiring furniture, utilizes, etc.  it’s not like they just sit someone in an empty apartment.  Ew I can feel that ‘people with they nose up’ attitude of (and the only reason I say things like this and mention these comments is it’s because it’s what I’ve heard someone or people say out loud in public or whatever) ‘well, I had to buy my own couch in an apartment that I had to pay the deposit in along with... blah blah blah, cry me a river cause I’ve done that as well... and you know what... it’s not that everyone doesn’t want that for themselves... yes, I think I left all that out about the furniture and stuff. I wish it was as all inclusive as it sounds but I’m not sure.  But I’m tired of ‘travel size’ in America being the people without homes or the ‘people who have a poverty level income and work forty hours a week size’. But it speaks to just how amazing sports, music, and all extra circulars are. Can I ask? Like where I grew up county wise anyways it was all equal- no schools had soccer/futball but all had football and baseball. There wasn’t for example any schools in my county w a soccer team and then another that didn’t have. . I wish- I mean soccer is pretty stellar. Yes, futball ⚽️vs football 🏈.  

If you think about it... I speak broken English just without the accent. 

If I’ve already written about this then here it is again... is there a quorum set for voting? And why are somethings even voted on.  I was reading online about how something to do with school nurses wasn’t approved?  And I’m so confused- like should that be voted on? Like- you have to have school nurses... you have asthmatics, diabetics, cardiac patients, even transplant kids in public schools, kids with g-tubes, etc- like how is a school nurse something to be voted on? It doesn’t really make sense. 

I’m so inspired by Spider-Man’s courage to say that he fees Spider-Man’s character should be able to experiment.  I get it... isn’t that what life is all about? Trying things and then maybe return them and things like that?  Oh I’ve only ever driven SUV’s... let me try a sedan.  Or I’ve only ever been exposed to... I dunno. I don’t know if the debate is that it has to be all or nothing? Like, some of the og gays may feel that way. But I don’t.  Just saying.  We all experiment right? Foods,  people, places to live? Just trying or whatever....

I mean I’m glad there are billionaires. I really am- but I just don’t get it. There has to be more to things like- isn’t homeland security the new fbi? So can the old one be? Or? Cause investigated vs surveillance is the same thing to me and it pisses me off that lawmakers have created and supported that kind of bullshit.  And- what about the... Like I get most people work business hours.  But part of the you guys not being able to see the realness is that during those times of commuting for you those without homes are eating. Like, I used to think it was like a douchebag move- oh you’re homeless so let’s just have you eat when someone who has a job has to eat... maybe it’ll but that energy into your life. But, I think it’s so we are out of your radar. And it’s hot right now. So most people aren’t able to sleep until late and then sleep late. Nevermind that yes. Downtown we eat from 5- 6:15 so you don’t see everyone.  So- when the ‘do gooders’ come through there really isn’t anything to see. Like- people are in their tents, or eating, etc.  I’m not saying that you can’t... like, I don’t know who I am or if I come from anything? Sometimes people act like I do and treat me like I do.... and if so- I’m being cheated from a lot but the point I’m making is I don’t even get the real version.  I did in San Jose a little bit.  But I mainly just stuck to myself.  I was always in busketso park, probably eating soup from a can... I was one of those that would come up on food and then fucking forget a spoon or fork.  I love hot sauce and ranch dressing is something that I treat myself to/with sometimes.   I m serious- when I was at the Russ Hotel downtown it’s like those sanitation people (please tell how rude that is...) were there all the time. On the sidewalks tearing and destroying people’s homes. Yes it’s a tent- but for some it’s the only thing they have to get away from the... I mean I know that people are... I don’t like smells that are unpleasant either. But those comments or some I read about certain libraries... yeah that’s what a tent helps someone get away from. And it’s the only thing that’s there day after day that gives us what we all have inside... a need for independence. I mean (it’s like- I mean, it’s my defense mechanism to apply sarcasm or something to buffer the realness of whats cooking (or what I’m about to say and feel bad about saying) - all their efforts, kinda like mine for any type of financial help (applying for jobs, ssi, or ssdi wtf is the difference?) or money to even get back to LA at the time, may be a dead end however, it’s the bread crumbs, the lack of even... I’m sure that person doesn’t even have a clue... like why can’t they get off the streets, are they lazy, are they on drugs?  Well, it might be that they have no family, it could be like me and the couple of people I wanted to call were in my iCloud account/iPhone (which I haven’t had access to since July 2016- I didn’t have my own device to access it and I didn’t want to from the library ones. Like I don’t have anything to hide but I do value privacy and that of those I care for), or I don’t know, maybe comment alike that are someone’s way of addressing it and not showing their own heartache behind it.  Or maybe they... ugh. I takes for ever for something someone develops or crafts in a way of a grant or asking someone for something. But like the raises that the ss people got this year happened quickly right?  That’s how fast things can happen when... hell I don’t know. All of the lawmakers in the seats about to retire and saw how much money they’ve put in and then that math doesn’t add up so let me raise how much they get so I can get mine.   I was using Facebook to contact everyone because my phone was stolen then the Obama phones I got kept getting stolen then... like what the hell.  If I start walking north I’ll make it to Canada right?   If I walk south I’ll make it to Mexico- and What kept me from walking here from San Jose was the... legal system kind of but also the ‘what the hell?..’ like how am I not able to.... why can’t .... omg are you serious....? Like it’s still like that for me. And there was something else... but... I get here then the cops try to execute me or something I guess in the park.  I’m still... I can’t prove anything else. It’s already be done and the beginning of the weeks instance was probably the most needed example... or exhibit. I’m now if i can just finally have someone explain everything to me that would be great.  And there’s like two people I trust... to even begin to tell me the truth. Yeah almonds are hand picked also... I don’t think to get political is a bad thing.... I think it’s like an instinct. 

Can I just say this about what I’ve learned from addiction theory/knowledge... or what I don’t like about it. They tell you that your friends are bad, no one cares about you, those that do drugs/drink are bad and aren’t you’re friends and what you need to do is to not contact them, stay away from them and rebuild relationships with your family and.... like, seriously. That’s like my worst night mare... like odds are your family contributed to you needing or even being able to go to rehab/treatment. Like, reinforce your bonds and relationships with those that caused all or most or some of the trauma that got you there so that.... I don’t believe that relapse is a part of recovery and I don’t believe it’s not... but- that’s a little back ass backwards for me...

It’s been too long...

I’m so much less stressed...the house I’m living at has changed a bit (not saying I got anyone out because I don’t have that much power nor am I like that) like all of a sudden there isn’t any real sabotaging going on... isn’t that weird. Like, I’m still cautious.   I felt safe about purchasing a duffle bag to replace the back pack that had been broken... like, I’m not going to have to deal with this much longer right? The odds in my mind I feel like are in my favor however- I do feel as though in actuality it’s not going to happen. For example- I made an appointment with a benefits counselor, yay right?  No, not so much.  She calls and tries to cancel the appointment. Telling me a co-worker told her to.  And I’m just like what in the hell is going on?  I told her this is funny/ironic- because this literally happens every time, every single time that I am trying to acquire money or justice or anything that might do me some good.  My family didn’t know I was receiving benefits for the longest- or else I probably would have had a difficult time then.  Not that I’m telling them my every move now, as in I try to not deal with them but I am currently or have had a MacBook Air, an iPad Air 2 (with cellular service), and maybe 2 iPhones out there for anyone to possibly tamper with my stuff on. Let me not play like the West Hollywood Sheriffs May not be having some fun with all this because they are the ones that have my MacBook Air... that they say they destroyed. I am so over it.  What makes me sadder is that I tripped and fell the other night and my iPhone is broken, like the screen. What’s funnier is this is the same kind of phone that was stolen when I got attacked in 2016 or 2017- the last time I had an apple device until like 6 months ago when I got this one. Which I am so thankful for.  But I have so much to do and I’m going to anyways- but like, I went to lunch the other day and the food was so good.  It was so nutritious and delicious and what I used to eat everyday. I felt slimmer/sexier and set forth this whole mindset of gotta get shit done and motivation that I just came home and took a nap.  Cause I can’t do anything or get anything done. My back ground check that I had done told me that I had a warrant which I didn’t know I had it maybe just forgot about? It seems crazy but I just... I remember telling my public defender that I wanted to see the body worn camera evidence which she didn’t show me, that I wanted to possibly take up issue with the LAPD over it, and she never really answered my question as to if I took a deal could I still do these things.  That was everything I was concerned about vs what anyone was actually saying to me about other stuff. So anyways I called ms young in the public defenders office and she Like was telling me how irresponsible I was and how the ONLY reason to miss court is maybe, maybe being in a coma, and I just didn’t and don’t trust her at all now.  Like, not in the least. Ima have to walk into that court room, with out a suit on cause I don’t have one... and pray they don’t hold me hostage again for months at a time. Yes, they can and do remand people directly from court.  Like- don’t pass go, don’t collect $200, don’t have a Diet Coke, don’t do anything, but go to jail.  Even after surgery when they came and got me out of my hospital bed to take me to court in the jail ward at the hospital when I took the deal I was put in the court tank with an IV and hospital gown on after.  I’m like whoa I’m in soaks with no shoes- I’m not really dressed for this. Are you trying to get me killed?!  

And just for an example- did you know there are people who pick, or are called ‘pickers’ in this world? Like- almonds, strawberries, who knows what else is still picked by hand in our country. How do you feel about that? I’m like- damn cotton is procured by a big ass machine- I’ve seen it.  I don’t know how long it’s been around but I guarantee the first version was like the titanic and ran off of coal and steam or something. But oh no, even to this day as you enjoy that strawberry you’re about to eat, or throw away because you’ve let it sit in your refrigerator too long... just know it was hand picked just for you. Seriously. 

This is short and kind of to the point but I’m tired and stressed and my birthday is next month and even though I have come far- I still have a lot of things to accomplish and oh I say an undetermined amount of hurtles that will come my way depending on how things go. I still don’t know how I survived in San Jose, they wouldn’t even give me gr there.... they kept saying they needed something that was unobtainable to me because it kept going to my moms house and she would say she never got it. So I was just stuck there for a year- not getting any benefits, living on the street, out of care for HIV because every time I went to the doctor I would get my meds only to have them stolen that day.... literally.  I guess they are worth something... I wouldn’t know... either I take my meds as prescribed or they are stolen.  Usually while I sleep. Which is why I struggle so hard to sleep sometimes.  It’s like I know it was my parents or someone like that that stole all my shit that first time anyways... like, then they use that instance, created by them, an an excuse as to why I shouldn’t replace the items stolen? Like what kind of sick stuff is that. I still sometimes wait for someone to just blow the whistle- (what up too short) and say ok... it feels so fake. Like, it’s really this hard?  Imagine someone living the 20 million dollar home lifestyle finding out that someone in my position is expected to get they shit together or something of a life back with $221 a month. I mean red wine was just spit all over that new $25k couch and I do feel so bad about that and also appreciate things like that... but $221 a month and that’s not even available in all states or counties. Like- wtf. No wonder people on the side walks walking around looking crazy... but the longer it takes to get more money to these people the legit more mental illness and more progressed the mental illness becomes. I’m sad to say that current research or data shows that mental illness is progressive.  Like- it doesn’t get better... you can maybe stop it or slow it’s progression but you can’t recover from it.  Granted the treatment options available are getting better and more available so all that can change... that’s what’s amazing about you and I... we can literally adapt, grow, change, contribute, reproduce and die with dignity.... then, here’s the important part. When St. Peter starts his bit, which I believes goes a little like this, ‘so, I know on earth they put a ton of pressure on you... but here’s the real- either you can walk through these gates to heaven and chill for eternity, or you can use all the wisdom passed down to you at birth combined with what you learned in your life and go back down and be a game changer. What do you pick?’ Can I tell you that I believe some souls have been going up and coming right back down from the beginning.  I’m hoping and praying everyday that my fiend and I have done it this time. That we’ve made it so a man who is straight and a man who is gay can be friends without judgement or prejudice. Cause literally I was the one King Tut trusted to see what color his butt was and ever since then he and I have been putting in work. The problem is information and knowledge is finally somewhat free and universal. Thanks for reading and now go and do the most in your community.  

Ok so wow…. I’m in Santa Monica- of course their library is like five blocks from the ocean so the air is phenomenal and the kindness is like palpable.  I was at the promenade lurking around the Apple store looking at the new MacBook airs.  Does it get any better?  They are like breath taking haha- amazing that a laptop can do that to me but it’s more of the appreciation factor I think- I would not have survived nursing school without it.  My birthday is in 26 days I think- I can’t believe that I’ll be 33…. September 13th cannot get here fast enough…. I’m hoping that I get to go have a nice lunch or dinner, maybe a massage, see a friend or two, maybe presents (but not required) and just enjoy the amazing life that I have.  It sounds so like cliché or poetic the way I’m saying it… and don’t worry the bitchiness that is usually free flowing from the keyboard or my mouth is still present but just on a real… I am so thankful to be where I am and who I am.  If someone is struggling to have that kind of peace I do hope that you find it- its honestly something that I had to just accept…. I had to give myself permission to just be me.  As clumsy, awkward, and charming as I am- once I accepted that how I am today and tomorrow may change but who I am is always the same… I am one of those people that can literally fluctuate from five pounds to ten pounds day to day.  Its infuriating.  But I love that about myself.  Somehow I’m like broke as a joke though- ugh I don’t know how but all my money for the month is gone- but I’ll get my hustle on and it’ll be ok.  I have to go to court… to be honest I think that I am just going to write my judge a letter and tell him what all is going on- I just don’t trust walking up in there and being able to walk out.  I hope that’s the case- but like I said… who knows.  It’s funny how now they consider not letting someone out, the way they have me in the past…. Coercion.  Like, where and when can that be applied to my past cases so I can get a better ruling… cause I’ll be host had I not been in jail for all my like 10 misdemeanors and 3 felonies there is no way I would have taken any deals…. We would have been going to the box for all of them.  My public defender here in la told me that it’s not possible to go back… and I’m like ummm… yes it is.  I was in jail and wanted out… now I have a clearer understanding and have been able to do some res3earch which I wasn’t able to do….      

It’s 1 a.m......

And can you believe that someone had the nerve while I was doing dishes to say ‘dang meth is a hell of a drug.’  To which I so charismatically (not caddy in any way...) said, ‘yeah bitch, and that comment right there is exactly why I haven’t ever picked up a mop here.’  Like if that ain’t a damn confidential informant I don’t know what is cause... Real ones would be like, eh fool- you get that shit for cheap or what?! Ugh...

  I have a meeting tomorrow that I’m not looking forward to.  I think advocating for myself is the hardest... I will stand up for anyone else first before myself.  Its not noble- it speaks to the worth I have for others over myself. (The voice of one or two of my most favorite people are in my head... or maybe just the look they would have on their face that says the same thing ;)) I still haven’t come and say in and I’ve been meaning to... but the last thing I need to do is for the... it’s like at the parades with the horses and the people that have to clean up the shit.  Only I’m a polite ‘I’m cute huh’ kind of horse.... but for some reason sometimes there ends up being all this shit al over the place that I didn’t even fucking know existed.  And for the record.... if the Fuck, my life that I use is being made to be different then the fuck my life app, etc it’s the same. I see where you would try to  Say that... but ‘fuck, my life’ is totally different then ‘fuck my life.’  

Ugh- I had a meeting today, it wasn’t as painful as I thought however it just doesn’t seem as bad when I’m actually talking about it.  I just get tired of having to handle shit that shouldn’t even be going on. I was with someone who was talking about homelessness and it was a challenge cause again it doesn’t seem that bad when I’m talking about it... I mean, it was more then they could handle a little bit but that’s ok. To someone who’s never seen people in tents on the side of a freeway it’s a bit of a tear jerker. Shit let alone thinking about someone with cataracts so bad they can’t see well- so they just stay in their tent relying on the geneticists of others to bring them things they need and only leaving periodically to go to the restroom and rinse off. What’s annoying as fuck is a lot of these people, most, have health insurance! It’s baffling to me how someone who is in care can live in such a way. I read online that the senate is debating on a budget ceiling or debt ceiling and I hope truly the issue is that the wording is incorrect as in... national surplus not debt. Or leave it to conservatives to want to keep that ‘mindset a float,’ hope they have a gang of floaties on cause doggy paddling is tiring.  I mean I’m a ‘liberal/for people) and damn if I wouldn’t try to throw them a life raft or one of those donuts and not even what’s that called... bribe? Or throw it conditionally on them opening their mind to... these people are drowning and if you understand one thing it has to be that what? We are only as strong as our weakest... and I’m not talking about the person in the tent surviving to thrive... but you and your turnt up nose. Yeah, it’s probably not the poverty you smell, it’s probably your upper lip, mindset, or attitude. A GLE AMG rumbled by me earlier and made my heart skip a beat.  I’m tying to find an attorney.  I’m trying so hard because I know my people in jail are suffering. The store/commissary/I used to call it co-misery (cause it’s like your cohort or companion in misery) is double what it ought to be. Like, that’s what someone did in San Ho- they sued the jail cause the prices were to high and now I have to find someone who is concerned with people vs they reputation to take on this issue.  And god damnit I forgot to get a stamp. Can I not purchase one on my phone, take a pic of my envelop and somehow miraculously the stamp appears on my letter. Ugh. I was reading an article on homelessness and how Seattle was very progressive in the manner in which they handle housing.  They couldn’t figure out how or why people from ‘impoverished’ neighborhoods didn’t want to move to like what they called ‘success neighborhoods.’  I was like, bitch if you think those people and their children and their dog or family pet would be welcomed with open arms you have another thing coming.  They not only have to afford rent but might be the only renters in that area and then think about... so when I was a kiddo everyone had these trapper keepers.  Y’all remember those? I like cried one time at Walmart cause all the other kids had one and I didn’t and I felt like an oddball. Literally every kid had one. Of coarse I was made to feel bad and though I was made to feel however I get at the time- I did get one trapper keeper binder. And I think I used it the next year as well.  But things like that must be considered as well.  How people in these 6 figure jobs don’t think of things like that I’m unsure- and if those things must be inferred vs reported by the people receiving these ‘rightful’ benefits then that’s because either they have been heard and not received in the past (as in ok lady or sir, I hear you at this meeting where it should be a safe place to advocate and speak to your situation in which I’m trying to help but I’m not really receiving your message as I’m not nor have I done anything about it...) or because it took all the ‘pride’ they had that day to even go up in the office and apply and gofur the shit they need to have re-done cause what they brought was filled out in blue ink and not black... and didn’t you read the instructions... it says black ink right here sir/madame.  So I’m... doing it for them... or even for the parents. Like, there is a lot for families, though still not enough as I’m communicating.  But, a single person is effed. Truly. If that isn’t apparent by how good they get it every year with taxes it definitely is in these situations.  Cause I need toothpaste and mouthwash and... when and where and how am I supposed to get new unders, socks, shoes and I do need a new alarm clock cause I had one of those wind ups that I bought 23 years ago but I’ll be damned if it now needs to be replaced. I swear to everything holy if this bus driver doesn’t close the door and put this bus in motion I’m about to piss right here in the floor. And I won’t feel bad about it... actually I would. And I would just get off the bus and find some building to pee on the side of and wouldn’t feel bad about that cause there are literally no bathrooms.  And ok cool, in Alabama there is a law apparently that requires all businesses to have a public restroom. But- that doesn’t mean it’s in service, in order, available, available to that person but not you, for customers only, or even in existence.  (Written yesterday.... on or about... you know!)

I’m so thankful today that I am... like I just had a descent day... I mean none of my phone calls were returned and I didn’t get a delivery from amazon but you know... I woke up in a bed, with food in the cupboard- cause yes I’m one of those that wake up hungry, and a smile on my face.  I’m just saying. Smile when you close your eyes, and you’ll wake up smiling... haha, yes, at 32 I still have to ask the universe to not have bad dreams and it works. ;) Trust, the onslaught of ‘oh shit, eff, my life...’ hits sometimes in 5 minutes but thats just life- sometimes it doesn’t hit me until effing 4 hours after I wake up then I’m late for this, haven’t replied to that... and no, I am not as cigarette craving as Mama O and therefore do not awoke at 6am.  Just isnt in the cards... maybe, if I have someone to make breakfast for then I’ll be motivated! ;)

I’m kinda tired of the whole idea that physicians have to take orders from not a physician. Like- what the hell. But like I know and you know- sometimes it’s easier to try to work within their guidelines vs be in their shit list.  I’m not trying to have my parents investigated all because I wanted to write a script for an opioid. Haha. Isn’t that cray.... but that’s how it works.  

So... here’s a little about Miranda. And technically if ‘they’ don’t mirandize you and move you more then 4-5 steps or so then it’s technically either false imprisonment or kid napping. I highly recommend a continual objection if Miranda was never heard. So like in my case- Miranda was continually objected for like five, seven hour days. Isn’t this crazy.  So imagine I object you’re honor as Miranda was never heard... over and over for all those hours, half hours, and minutes haha. I mean, ok so I know what’s what and thank you for the support as well, and the blanket that night I was freezing, or would have anyways.  It kept me warm and dry- and I’ll never forgive myself for not doing as those more seasoned then did and fight the ‘we don’t allow linen in the library’ even though I put it back in the plastic zipper thing that it came in. Imagine me, in San downtown park, right by the dang courthouses I thought were way the hell the way up the freeway.. but the point is I was asleep over by the podium thing- by asleep I mean taking to the universe (and the city, et al) about all the none sense I was and am still facing... 

Such a great way to start Friday. I do hope that even though I was an asshole and didn’t post this in time to recommend going to sleep with a smile on your face so that you would wake up with a smile on your face... and then create an energy that will motivate our .........., cause I’m serious- they pulling out something mid evil and polishing it for y’all asses and I’m not the least bit worried... because I believe in our leaders and our government and I do know that phenomenal times are ahead. 

I love you.   

As an American...

Overall, I feel obtunded... I’m terrified that the gunmen and the border camps are tied and no one has said anything? And I’m scared that now we’ve lost one of the ‘like those people’ because David Muir’s cover sure was blown on the newsfeeds I saw of him showing footage of the gunman walk-in or something it sure looked like it was him on the video... Fake news? Real news?  If conservatives were as quick to infringe upon gun control as they are god damn abortions then maybe... 1. Have we forgotten what it’s like to decriminalize something? I don’t believe in limiting a persons right? But a gun that literally fires so many rounds so fast, and then now they can be attached to drones and shit. Like- regulation and control and think if we were in another country- Oprah would still be in that hoochie place and I’d not have this blog or my right to talk about any of this... and I may be totally bat shit crazy but this is what I’ve been taught and told and so sadly until I am able to go to other countries and see for myself I’ll just give my thoughts and prayers and love to those hurting.  I’m so sorry you’re going through what you’re going through...(I know it’s not my fault, but as an American I feel responsible for what’s going on- and it is really pissing me off)