Open Now- don’t wait for the holiday!

Closing your mind, closes your heart... which comes first is up to you but on a buy one get one free level (if you don’t eat, you eventually get hungry... if weren’t for the p’s persecution, prosecution, and poverty- when you get hungry, you eventually eat... (you ever just tried to buy one even cause you don’t wanna carry the big product or  whatever home with you?  Omg I have, and this lady acted like it was a her and me situation of, no no- you gonna take this money like on barber shop... I was like, but I don’t want it... no no here go your closed mind she said, and I was like, my heart already closed I don’t want it... no choice.  I got both... not me... my heart and mind are open... good, bad, ugly?  I dunno... but... to be closed is absolute. It’s closed. But, open could be a trickle (for those of you test takers he’s a freebie, always, never, are red flags... those mean 100%/all the time/ no judgement call or stipulation or exception!  Open... or words not absolute or 100% closed or no or off= could be a little, a lot, what flood  gates... run fool! Or situational. 

Omg- cheers to the Christmas attire... she and her team probably felt the ‘ewww, no she didn’t! In regards to her wearing red (I don’t know how often... but to me that’s an open mind and heart!  Not absolutism or principle ridden/ or being prideful!). when Her being Speaker Pelosi signed the first ever pieces of legislation a day or two ago, as per her Instagram, protecting us!  One from scams, the other keeping our government open and running through appropriations, and the last... the ‘national defense authorization act’ which ends the widow’s tax- it’s different when you’re undoing, not so... let’s stop that in its tracks... someone be like... she, she undoing shit left and right.... no, no, no!- but nice try!  That would yes, yes, yes!- thank you for seeing something that needs to be changed or reformed... that was once maybe needed but now is antiquated or doing harm or not inclusive... no idea if it’s open ended or anticipatory in language or verbiage but I’m trust it’s as much so as is allowed for... workout compromising its integrity!  One for sure is heading to the President‘s desk! There’s like some ways a President can say no, some ways to say yes, and then one more in which something else happens. It’s like, really really good!  I knew all this at one time like in high school... I wish now I had taken a class on democracy 101 or our government 101 but I took what was required or what was advised for my major. Pocket veto, more information please, a opps it is in my desk and dipped my mind but still goes into affect, a no, a yes... and cheers to me having something fun to get a book on from the library as I pay my fines for my delinquent one j already have! :) That’s some strong work on her part before the Holiday and a phenomenal testament to what a trusted leader is or does (kinda one in the same!), why I trust her and why I feel like we all trust her as Americans and the world. Thank you Madam Speaker- amazing gifts, documents, legislation, acts,.... amazingness that will make the world a better place for a very long time for many many people and omg don’t forget the buns in the over or future kiddos and Speakers and leaders.  ;) 

Thank you again for being you... I’m unsure anyone else could have had the courage and know how to handle these two rogue leaders... one being the President and the other being the leader of the Senate- like, that’s perfect. I don’t know what else to say about it so far... other then it’s perfect, thank you, you did good, and if I was there in person... what do you want to smoke or drink?! Ever feel like you can’t be thankful enough for something... yeah, I’m there... ;)

Happy Christmas, Merry Holidays, et al!  Ha! ;) 

My head hurts...

Hi!

I am unavailable though I’m sending my love! (Not a person, but good productive energy!). Don’t worry though, I’m literally not really able to go out or around anywhere. My ‘ocular syphillis’ titer went up, normally a 1:2 or 1:4 now to a 32... so I’m an a series of IM Antibiotics and the same reason I can’t make it to the meeting today is why I missed the meeting and I’m sorry...  I wish it was ‘drugs’ or something like that... I’ve worked on that and been very successful... Things were still the same on a very obvious level- or to me anyways.  If things haven’t been to you all then I’m thankful... but, ‘when you go places things change- (not necessarily for the good), ‘things changed after I met you and not for the better’, ‘literally, when you go places it gets hotter (like sunlight? Or? I was ditched before that question was answered), ‘I don’t know why you’ve got your headphones in, we have your phone,’ ‘’don’t come here again’ (because the people that you bring with you... and I’m in a city where I know one maybe two people... I’m like I’m not bringing anyone with me!), or the behaviors of others towards me as they know it’s me causing the deviation from what’s normal (West Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, the libraries, markets, the traffic in the places I slept or sleep even now, mind you I only frequent these places at random- I don’t have a job or set schedule... planning these or setting reminders makes it so me doing so and commenting to my self ha- gotcha and then going back to sleep... or, the traumas I’ve experienced just in the six or seven ‘free’ phones I’ve had stolen, the four apple devices before that, the all of a sudden texts, emails, phone calls, notifications, actual knocks on my door, or people calling my name either around my house, in public, or on the metro that seems like conditioning or something.... the beats big ass headphones show the reality I’m speaking to... or just the eye roll or whatever energy that is a suggestive... like the bus driver waiting at a stop a little to long in a way of not getting on time with the schedule but to prompt me to ‘oh my stop!’ and even the ‘oh gotcha’ situation that happened the first meeting at st Anne’s I attended and had me so stressed and sweaty that I didn’t want to attend- but wanted to turn around and go home... but I didn’t do so, I attended and probably embarrassed myself or gave people the catalyst they needed... and please don’t act as though this isn’t a possibility... if it is out of your realm of reality or experience- your feelings of doubt or misplaced curiosity are valid, but so are mine.  I shouldn’t give someone the opportunity to look in my bag but then the ‘way does he take that everywhere with him’ either was because they wanted to peek, or could also be the reason for the peel.... the patience to wait is appreciated as others have utilized guns, fists, golf clubs or the power of suggestion to peek... usually my vital documents or records travel with me, because they are hard to obtain, mailing address, the not showing up, the theft, or random mishap... not something I want to live through again after already doing so enough to have a pretty well rounded perspective of what has affected me, and contributed to my issues and their advancements.  Like, someone saying don’t care if you cause traffic, don’t give a eff about if you’re going somewhere you’ve only been once or twice and all of a sudden the two times you’ve been on that line there was a electrical problem or ‘random act’ that caused everyone to get off the train and find an ulterior route... making everyone delays or inconvenienced.... and not only am I not that inconsiderate... but I’ve been used and used for others peoples gain, from flying over a billionaires mansion as a ‘opps thing’ but really planned thing by someone, not the pilot but the ‘my dad, the others uncle- or someone that’s not supposed to do things like that,’ or people going into a store with me literally either trying to frame me a ‘boosting shot caller or organizer or something- as that’s how much was stolen not by me, and then all the fingers that pointed at me... and the multiple attempts, the my mom and family working with the man who basically had me trapped in a location- like, if I wasn’t there I’d get arrested... kept happening until I starting taking shit to jury trial and being away or spending thirty or so day’s in jail, or being arrested at the library when I was late to meet him, or the message right when I was in the best thought process that was on point and not  to far one way or the other of ‘come over,’ oh and not to mention the actual intent of extortion, and my parents crafty-ness of then him working for them., not to mention just the bus driver changing the route, not caring about the two people like me but not associated with me getting off the bus, rolling the their eyes as a used to this behavior from the driver or drivers, the two observes that were ready, and me asking- this is a ‘xyn-right?’ And the cutting off my statement with a ‘yeah, but I didn’t change it’ I’m like, I didn’t say you did, and I see how to some I may be saying the pot holds water when I’m the kettle and do as well.... but, the I’m trying to save time and energy- being efficient versus or v. the person who is informed or doing something not nature or were told to do or feel guilty of... there is a difference. (Just Incase- statement, fact, supported by hopefully IRB research but I can’t speak to that for certain. But, international research board... is where medical research is approved, validated, and monitored, and either rejected, stopped, approved et al.). Anyways, back to my eyeball... the infection was found during a scleral buckle placement (No no not chronic pink eye but another barrier to life) after a detached retina after the first time I had been punched (attacked almost killed) as an adult (dropping a gun thank goodness or possibly it going through a cars window upon picking it up or retrieving- missing me) in the eye with a device or ring or brass knuckles in Hancock park caused a retinal tear... the infection required 20 some odd days of acyclovir and PCN G through a picc line, spinal tap, and the two revisions of such surgeries I’ve had (don’t question me please, as one was while incarcerated after a wrongful arrest in pan pacific park)  has required the series of abx. So, I am there in sprint I promise- and also as a testament to literally receiving ryan white services since being diagnosed... in and out of care as a result of hknelsssness and incarcerations and theft- in San Jose I didn’t go and get only to be stolen from and develop resistance... also, why I do not approve of a depot regimen (or at least not in the homeless community but also in general) because the theft of medication then goes away and so does a pathway for communication of the severity and dept and dire needs and suffering of people. It’s stupid that I have numbers like I have and the documentation of an paper trail and no one is listening therefore no one cares... and I got a real one of strains and a doctor was fired in the same way in regards to saying ‘well, you don’t have the killer strain’ much like my mom says ‘you’re not adopted.’  I’m on two meds- have almost normal cd4’s of an un-compromised immune system... and in part because I’m educated.  Though, someone informing me that not taking meds, having an aids diagnosis which I’ve had twice while  surviving through this nightmare I could get as a means of being approved for ssdi/ssi and doing so only to not go to appointments to then get word that the current administration wants to retest or revalidate hiv/aids persons and their current ssi/ssdi, and resuming my regimen has my pharmacist not happy, some in tears (or at least in my head maybe so- I hole someone cares that much, but if not on earth, I know for a effing fact in heaven!) is something that I cannot stand for.  If it’s only me- then that’s enough!  This isn’t researchable because of the in and out of care but once that with housing (and what I’m in now isn’t working for me- however, at my own fault- not of the entity!  Me saying that and me being here is compromising or maybe speaking to more issues to be revealed... they can’t find out... so they ‘undercover’ people to find out... or a snake skin was found in my kitchen... yes, some of us remember dark times... or were told about them in a this is what’s part of our history... yes, a certain type of housing for people... my body and mind want to recover and process and prosper...and be there at the meeting and it’s something positive if it’s a stressor for another their feelings are valid for them... as I have to make this better or be like a living amends or something... I sent a photo of the standards for financial assistance to someone and shouldn’t have. As, I don’t trust anyone and the suffering and damage and harm me and et al have caused.... like, what I did was enough... but then came the ones that are supposed to be my safe place... parents, family, et al.  Like, I was charged with a higher felony for biting an officer who hadn’t identified himself because I couldn’t breathe. And then I think of aids/hiv and people being forcefully thrown from their homes without even possibly clothes on their backs in the streets and fighting tooth and nail in absolute terror- back to the financial assistance photo- it said something like, I can’t make it up to you, but I can attempt to make it better for others, and I’m sorry- I didn’t even know this exists back then... however, that’s why I thought a name change would be in order or why I was speaking to me not being seen in the parameters... and why I’m glad privacy was brought up... it isn’t anyone’s business... I, wanted and would have once I had processed and accepted but- to say I still haven’t done that... I told the person but we didn’t discuss it... so I want to be there and when I speak to my situation of just walking  around the block- this is why.  I sleep, and dream of helping people... literally, running through code events in order to be better for the next... or give my self that third person perspective... I do that while awake in away now and not when I sleep because I’m not trying to have the suffering of people silenced- I will never harm myself, and just in case someone says differently it’s either a very specific situation (which I’ve had nightmares over and possibly spoken about out loud but in private- so....).. I’m not guilty or whatever, im efficient, a bit annoying to some and preemptive in a way that I hope is applied to every effort... because reactions to situations aren’t ever known- but with planning, anticipatory, and proactive leaders the reactions or results are expected. Without enough support and information and open minded thinkers... it’s not a well rounded effort... it does good, but people have been, are, and are not to be left out of the efforts because human suffering and unknowns are like the rebound effect of four... the good is outweighed by this suffering at least four fold.  Taking an appetite suppressant and  then discontinuing it leads to no suppression of said appetite by four fold... same with any drug... it’s your body that suffers from the unknown information just like in politics or life. You can’t be held responsible for information you don’t know when your making decisions- this said by a former Secretary of State and national security advisor in reverence to September 11th, 2001.  Once again, im either seen a type of way, maybe another... but, not allowing anything I’m apart of, or doing my best, to not be used as another’s excuse for knowing of something, closing it to the solution, and then claiming ignorance when the results are... Deficient or ‘just not not helping’ or something that’s going to make another feel as though they aren’t doing enough or aren’t enough... that plus the result they desired equals... the ‘in reverence to and not the reference to September 11th, 2001.  Opportunity for some has I feel lead to straight up being calculated and closed minded... closed minds are antiquated minds.  Going back before you go forward, yes some cars do so... and aren’t supposed to especially in an automatic... cause that is harmful to your transmission, and is or could be used in causing harm and not recovering to go forward.., not everyone has had the opportunity to be aware of those factors... but could still be a victim to the results... and history does repeat itself until it’s learned from... just for example- another one that’s mine... I didn’t learn to read until the first grade in a public school, the church I lived at showed me what the Alaphabet was so when asked I couldn’t say I didn’t know about it, because orphans don’t have parents that pay taxes and weren’t eligible to attend public schools- I wasn’t allowed to fall victim to another’s opportunity... my version of Dr. Maya Angelou taught me to read with others sitting beside me so I wouldn’t feel distracted or in trouble- creating an environment built around efficiently and everything great.   I literally don’t know for a fact but I hope that when I went to a community center in a neighborhood that buses still may not even travel through as a student nurse got to then educate about sexually transmitted diseases because they wanted to be able to do their very best at being primary parents because... lack of opportunity, and another’s ignorance or intent to cause harm by saying no or voting no or decisions have them no choice- my words not theirs.  Their faces literally gave me light in the darkness of ignorance a  professor to say ‘oh, you have no idea...’- I don’t even remember what we as a clinical group educated them about (I just remember the glowing faces of the women there...and it’s so out of date now that the affordable healthcare act has hopefully given them and their grandchildren and great grandchildren what we all should have had the opportunity to do for ourselves.  I hate it- not only the attempts to try to repeal the aca, but, the thought and mind of another and the incorrect way of thinking.  Those women and everyone deserve the opportunity to have an educated, licensed, healthcare team inform them of the best way in which to care for another and themselves... the ACA, the president that drafted its existence, and the House of Representatives that passed it at one hundred percent- the senate had already informed it supporters of their intent to hold it up for who knows how long... the poetic justice of them not knowing their job, the law, and the world in which they are mean to lead...made it so it skipped the senate completely and went into immediate affect!  And then, one Senator’s courage in the efforts to repeal with a thumbs down... Senator McCain was the deciding vote to not repeal this... even though he may have had to do some thing he had never once even as a prisoner of war ever done- to lie to someone’s face...I don’t know it is was a lie at the time or not because some technology is very advanced... a testament to a stellar leader and.. the universe cause I guarantee you he did not do any thing not becoming of an officer or a gentleman.  People are not bad, it’s just the walls we out around ourselves and others. I don’t know, but thank you.  Thank you. Thank you.

I started this as ‘a circumstance’ to me, ‘excuse’ to another maybe, and this is what it became. All true. All factual... and about to be a blog as well.

Literally as I was typing or writing it on my phone... I swear three sentences up the autocorrection had some words... I dunno it was different so... if it’s a bit un-edited seemingly... it wasn’t as bad as it is now possibly.  Fact.

Oh and not my professor that I love... all of you rest assured that your gut is being tropic fed by pharmacokinetics and ask the dietician for clarification. Did you now some drips are fat emulsified to keep ones gut alive... and to think I’ve advocated for when it was being provided I just didn’t know. See, a light in ignorance. ;) Just in case... thank you!

...

I can’t handle this stupid situation...

To anyone that cares about another... this is for you...  because the Commander in Chief is still holding money that’s not his but everyone’s.  He’s withhold $3.6 billion... like some is mine, yours, another’s... as apart of our country and the amazing ness it is... we all contribute, I think To buy into something as a negative connotative statement but either way it makes it so we all are invested. One person- even if the commander in chief, cannot stop something like that.  It’s a conflict of interest, an act of terrorism, and an intent to cause harm or in a rigorously honest statement that I am so pained to say- he’s withholding money that is meant for our people, our soldiers, et al... at home and abroad to be able to keep up with the advancements of Haters. I don’t know anything but I personally know persons that have been in that role or life since I saw them last in high school when I graduated in two thousand and five. They’ve been of service for fifteen years... to our country.  And he’s in a sense acting as an incompetent or biased parent or guardian that most of us have been victim to. Just that, I’m the man of the house or woman of the house (which translates to meaner, and gotta win as a territorial misplaced behavior... dumbass... you fight others not your own, you protect your own and have rapport with others to protect everyone... i get the world is big and we’re working on it. But, we’re arguing Nd talking about the Ukraine when I’ve got names and faces in my heart and on my heart that could not ever set foot in our country that haven’t seen it or their family’s either in real life give me a hug kinda way for fifteen years or twenty years.... like, imagine boomer, not seeing your child since they graduated high school and the person you voted for in a presidential election putting them in harms way... in a sense it could be to cut healthcare costs... heartless? Don’t hate on me- My actions aren’t doing this... his are. Literally, the lack of...  I can’t imagine a world where we just abandon anyone.... a bit irrational or ‘awwww’ maybe... but it damn sure isn’t leaving someone with the courage to... like I have family or know people that by choice not obstacle or oppression or et al... don’t leave a 2 square mile area. That’s fine... but as a 16,17,18 et al year old these people became part of another world unknown to me but directly responsible for the protect and security of me... and also if nothing else... them at risk= your cute little 2 mile radius at risk.  Cause shit real advanced... like... faster then a light, circles the globe not a runway until the lines become one... and then... So- I keep waiting for some of them to come home or to just like I haven’t thought of some of these fools since I saw them last... and of recent I haven’t been able to get them off my mind.  It could be that they don’t get their money until they contract complete... and that’s what he’s holding on to... either way, it’s a testament to character(no no... character is character.. ain’t shit lacking anywhere, it’s all there... and now to you powers at be...) so powers at be— meaning the decision makers or leaders or presidential candidates et al... my aunt included... due process and the letters on the page aren’t for emergencies like this. Oh, my patient coding... let me go grab my text book and see what to do... ‘hang on sir or mam, patience is a virtue!’ Gtfo with that... negligent homicide is a real label that is a real possibility for hundreds of thousands of people that aren’t protected by our country physically as I am standing in my bathroom in Los Angeles... but it also kind of could be... and isn’t because their lives and courage are in between. It’s not fake but if that’s what you believe hold on to that belief just as I am to what I believe... but, to do so on either side... what if I’m wrong- I’d be so thankful and relieved that I would cry. What if you’re wrong and are made aware of it later- thanks to Ms. Fonda ignorance isn’t bliss or at least isn’t possible because history may repeat itself because of our president... but the awareness and knowledge because of her can’t be covered up or not acknowledged. Thank you- and if they’ll rough you up, imagine the truths of others- and I am sorry you went through and are going through it. Don’t even get me started with the torture those already back in our country are being subject to... the ‘I’m supposed to be with them, I failed them....’ statements from movies aren’t fictional- that type of care and concern for another and the responsibility... like, the president, Mr. Trump, said he prefers people that don’t get captured in reverence to our veterans and people who have served our country- specifically that was said in regards to Senator McCain (i almost feel disrespectful and like I don’t have the right to or the high enough on the ladder type of worthiness or something... cause talk about my person that’s alive and I’ll be right back as I have to go put my shoes on, fuck three deep breathes- but when people can’t defend themselves it seems cowardly to speak for them in away...especially when I only know what I read in media.  ‘The late...’??? This isn’t tv and odds are the word doesn’t apply in anyway shape or form even if technically...’ technically, ummm ummmm ummmm- time is tissue... every second counts and some of these decision makers still haven’t retrieved their book... at least a student one time picked up the phone in the patients room and called first responders/9-1-1.... mind you student... like- that’s the biggest most bestest thing that person was able to effectively decide to do having the possibly the greatest impact... homegirl runs shit- but here I am... calling for hell or aid or doing the most I can for the best possible outcome. Over a million lives outside our country and it’s safety are at risk of coding/or not seeing another second on this earth... because of money and one person. Please, do something proactive, because each person here that later is deemed responsible damn... so you get one million counts and you get one million counts of negligent homicide... name by name on a court room for each life lost to each decision maker responsible isn’t just a possibility... it’s like a threat... please, and thank you! 

But I was right here...

But I was right here!

It’s been awhile and I’ve been writing just not...

Fuck- like I am exhausted. I feel terrible, but I am so thankful for the affordable healthcare act, amazing physicians that work for pennies…et al. Seriously, I have a ton to add to this but I’m on antibiotics to save my eye sight.... and it is like that kind of a deal.  Infections don’t go away and so somehow thankfully she saw me as a walk in after I missed yet another appointment...Thank you so much who or whomever scheduled it on behalf... that being said a unique identifier isn’t the answer as in my situation I have no privacy and have had so much personal information stolen or lost and in so many various places and then word of mouth and like... could you have at least told me you scheduled it?  Oh and guess what?  I was sassy as shit on the phone when i found out I had yet another missed something or failure where I was ‘a no show’ and that does affect me. Very much so!  I don’t take appointments from people who need them as a no show is exactly that, I don’t waste resources, and I don’t waste mine or others time.  Luckily, I went in as a walk in and was seen and the titer increase was revealed which would have eventually lead to blindness in my case and because of the appointments someone scheduled for me... my next one was in January. By then I could have gone blind or it would have required me having yet another PICC line and a month of IV antibiotic therapy. That sucks. But- it was early, and so the life saving injections of abx have me feeling crappy.  But that’s ok. I’ll live and live with eye sight- even if damaged goods. ;)

Speaker Pelosi is going to be on CNN at 9pm our time I believe... I can’t wait. 

I down loaded pages forgetting it was free and the letters I wrote Nd still need to compete or begin look fucking fantastic. I’m serious- I have my whole life to to handle shit and do things like this so I am dedicated to doing so efficiently!  Haha.  I need ice cream and also my other numbers do in fact look fabulous. I’m annoyed with my self because I have to move faster.  It’s hard for me to subject myself to being a pawn in another’s game or what they view as a game which is really my life, but I’m sure by now there are people incarcerated or died incarcerated being tortured by outbreaks of preventable sicknesses happening within the entire incarcerated population in the states.   It’s appalling that someone would acquire something the MMR vaccine prevents while serving time.  I’m so over it. I hate talking about it but I haven’t heard anything about incarcerated people being able to vote and they are still citizens and are still in our country and if someone gets out the day after the polls have closed or are in for a double sentence, I mean term... ;) Politics touches their lives everyday just as much as you or I and yet... they have no voice and aren’t accounted for.  Imagine being wrongfully rested and then your MMR vaccine titer a bit low or in need of a boost and the catching measles, mumps, or reubella and not being able to go to the damn doctor or have any autonomy in your healthcare or even some people can’t even imagine not being able to go to the doctor they’ve been seeing for 20 years. I haven’t heard about credit system reform- or like a reset as there has to be something- I get I can use an entity to help however some are scams and honestly it’s like people don’t have time to be at home to tuck their children in every night because of how many hours they work and still you want them to call and go and is that place open on Saturdays?  Please, be reasonable. Just because I am not voicing my needs doesn’t mean that they don't exist it just means that I’m from a different place where I don’t have the ability to, I'm tire of being that being child at a toy store with a parent/government that gets satisfaction from saying no or later or became of the difference in cost I get a band-aid when really stitches are required and needed and still on my mind.  There were other things... oh, criminal justice reform, law reform, the issue of I pay for a box of cereal what the store posts, meanwhile a a healthcare procedure has a price posted however Medicare/Medicaid reimburses for less then that always followed by the other insurances doing the same and the providers then literally just have to ‘eat it.’  I hope Spain was fantastic for the climate discussion and London beautiful for the NATO discussion or partial discussion that was attended though I’m sure what was missed or unattended will be sent over as a pdf or rich text file...  9pm is coming quickly and the left side of my ass is sore... omg, my professor would slap the shit out of me if she knew that I allowed a person to puncture my skin and muscle with a needle attached to a syringe without requiring that I see the vial first prior to even topping its cap or breaking its seal... I trust, I do... but my sight is dependent on this medication and my mind could be much more at peace had I done so. So, I feel like it’s reasonable and would speak to peace of mind and not distrust all because that’s what the issue is for me and the last thing a person needs is to feel distrusted no matter what type of day they having and even if they are or aren’t the one... ;) 

Break a leg Madame Speaker ;) you’re not performing broadway however there is an audience and a production and as I have looked in the past being unsuccessful in finding the manner in which you wish a politician ‘good luck’ or ‘best wishes’ as ‘break a leg’ does for performers... that will have to work for now. Oh, and if their isn’t a combination of words to do so that’s unique I am sure someone will write a grant, fund a nonprofit, to then cover the hourly costs of you all ‘arguing’ the matter... ;) 

I don’t care who you are... That’s funny and you can’t make that shit up! ;)

Someone else’s words I’m borrowing though making my own... if no one has told you today they love you, I love you... and that’s the truth though. 

Thank you though!...

On Thanksgiving... Thank you for...

The price cuts... I know people who literally purchase presents for the entire year... birthday, Christmas, like- clothes... some stores aren’t so seasonal, waiting all year and saving because their crock-pot broke three months ago and that’s a phenomenal way to gourmet the worst/cheapest pieces of meat... or soups, and vegetables, or like whatever else... seriously... gear for athletics, underwear.... 

It’s like preparing for game day- and a competition hopefully like a non-violent one... I know, those stampedes at Walmart are really just a parent trying to make a laptop happen for kiddo this year as, last year I didn’t wake up early enough or someone just wanted more then I did (not really but... the lengths one will go to depend as she said it was...) either way- after last year not having one under tree and that was the item that as a parent I felt and could we it actually being the catalyst or spark or like... the reason homework could be fun, and shit college isn’t cheap. So this year, it’s happening... last year we were newbies and didn’t journal or think of taking notes about the year before until someone say me crying and offered that to comfort me.  The good thing is that sometimes it sucks... the whole internet thing... it shows what’s available at what price and isn’t always true or is a bit misleading... I can hide a newspaper and the ads and it’s all the reason to have a big holiday get together so that the kids can money market themselves and the parents can game plan. Like where to park, what roads are timed traffic lights, successes, failures, busts... waking up at 3am the day before Black Friday and remembering to pack a propane heater cause it was cold last year!  What food to pack- etc. people can get that relatively easy- food banks, esp if you have a family, a kitchen, a friend and their family that are vegetarians cause my family likes meat.  So thank you.  Like- some people live in neighborhoods that amazon doesn’t deliver to for whatever reason and that’s if someone utilizes a bank or has a bank card cause just like with me and the government just taking money out of my account, without my knowledge and notifying me after the fact... I was incredibly fortunate to have had random sh just ‘hit my account’ so luckily they got only $1.42... making my account zero... that was a few months ago... that account is closed now again not my choice... but not much is when the options aren’t options but are choices made by someone else for you to then... it’s not a decision at that point but a... I guess I just pick and that’s if there are two selected choices for me to pick from. But, because of the sales and door busters and love and hope for the future and planning and effort and love (yes, again love...) family’s or a single person can do the most with what they’ve saved, and done without in order to do so... so that no matter what has gone on or what is ahead... in that moment or moments (thank you..) people get to feel special or important either by what they receive or what they get to see someone else receive.   It’s not that it’s a materialistic thing... but I wasn’t surprised with a trip to the spa when I was younger, and like didn’t ever get anything extra or anything present wise other then Christmas.  It’s the only time when even though I had picked out the clothes usually or knew what I was getting... it was that I actually got it.  So yes, I knew it was coming... but I swear there is something about having something you want but isn’t something (god I hate this fucking word...) that can be afforded any other time but Christmas and the door buster thing I didn’t know existed until high school and then of course I was like ‘what the hell?!   Let’s go!?’ And then we went either that year or the next... yes, at 5am!  I’m not saying anyone has to feel bad or should and I’m not giving you permission for that.  But, I do give you permission, to know that literally people plan for this or add to the Black Friday list for 365 days previous, to be in the moment and thankful for either making those sales happen, or for the person that gets up early, the workers, the pre- preparation that happens for months (I have indeed worked retail for the holidays a few times!) before, giving someone the presents, and also if this isn’t something you know anything about as I know people that are just as appreciative for what they get and are, i hate it again, afforded those random

Gifts or surprises- just know that the effort and the love and hard work, I believe is still there... (I say all this just Incase someone wants to try to make me

Out to be an asshole... which I’m not...) like, someone get a computer someone gets a Mercedes or honestly- just the time with someone... the love and effort and sacrifice is still there... and thanks to merchants et al... (I don’t know how much of the sales are like, reimbursed for- someone knows I’m sure... I feel that it’s stores that see the areas and see the other areas and made the decision to possibly do something under the governments radar or as a spur of the moment kind of thing as- damn all the areas got it bad, oh hey, ok... let’s do this, nation wide shhhhh... then it’ll be oh my bad, well, false advertisement is a hell of a thigh and so just this year... I’m sorry mr/ms... anyways, and it was such a gold thing that it’s what it is today. Thank you... it honestly makes people’s lives better and could be that spark to help someone make better grades, for me- it got me those clothes that made me feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin that until I got a job and paid for myself came once a year- and in high school and in life period that’s so important... or for me it was. For some it’s the new cook wear to make dinner for their family (and of its the new cookware or just the motivation behind it or ease of clean up etc... it makes lives better), nonprofits can provide more quality and quality, teachers purchase items for their classrooms or nicer pens and highlighters.... shit for some it’s the only time when there’s a dedicated for sure (kind of) opportunity- like as it pertains to work, online shopping, sales, availability, and family time to assess and argue/plead your case for extravagance or like, even just the bonding and growth and energy that comes from it. I mean, every little bit helps... but the opportunity for people to get to... like, how do I put this?  How many arguments can be traced back to money or finances or poverty?  How many divorces? How many sleepless nights? How many dv cases?  How many misdemeanors, felonies, loss of lives, prison terms, need for self preservation or need for coping or like the need for a drank... or multiples and then....all of that doesn’t go away... but the sales and relief that comes on the day after thanksgiving does more then what’s reported or broadcast by the media... the stocks and bonds and blah blah who gives a fuck... it doesn’t touch my life directly nor does it a lot of people... like when everyone has a stock then maybe I’ll care more... ‘I see that number is red sometimes, it’s green sometimes- shit, my check doesn’t change, the cost of bread and butter doesn’t change...’ But, the day after thanksgiving that changes.. and I can purchase two computers for my twins instead of them having to share one and can purchase the case, the wires mouse, you want a what? ‘The hell do you want a custom made or whatever mouse pad for with someone you’ve known for three days all cuffed up together for? You know he’s not the one right!? That’s easy- the laptop come w a mouse pad and so no and no... pick something else... but?!!?!’ The entire dialogue can be changed and it makes lives better, more then just financially... so, from me, as someone who felt a little better in the clothes I received purchased on the day after thanksgiving or even was the person that received a computer for college after finishing my freshman semester or as a new homeowner (back in the day... lol) that wanted new bedding or as a friend, boyfriend, and/or relative that was able to give presents that I felt comfortable giving (like, I’ve bought presents I didn’t feel 100% about simply because ... no I lie, I haven’t given a present I didn’t feel comfortable about but I didn’t start buying presents until when?! Until I learned about the sales the day after thanksgiving... so as all of that... thank you. (And every little bit helps! ;))

(The current administration is possibly putting a kink in the system and I hope they don’t. However, not to fret... that’s something that has needed to be changed for a very long time!  It is not right, proper, acceptable, kind, and to be honest it doesn’t fucking make sense- that if I s a person go to Taco Bell for a taco and my

$20 doesn’t pass that marker test... that I as a person, in this country have to eat that cost.... look, no one else got a lawyer and is up there... ummm, and aren’t most people relieved or suspended or ‘taking some time off’ when investigations or questions or shit like this happens.... vindictive behavior is not gender specific... and I’m just saying... lemme cause a diversion so that... or lemme just really fuck some shit up since... no no. It’s thanksgiving and I will not have anything stop the amazingness in all its forms that happen because of the day after thanksgiving sales. ... like that’s strategic and purposeful and unacceptable that something like that would first be known on thanksgiving day at 12:30am... that they might be extra cognizant of counterfeit money being used... please, go make a gratitude list and leave the people alone... odds are there wouldn’t be counterfeits if their was another option or a need... that’s the governments fault and they ought to take responsibly...💯🍆😮👌👍 thank you. And happy holidays... truly. And yes, I do love you. With or with out stuff, the effort is truly truly there- thank you. 

Rivalries...

Rivalries...

Ok I’m reading this article with the comparisons between millennials (which to be honest had no idea I was one?  I thought they were people born in or around the year 2000 but this Vox article says differently) and baby boomers.  It says that millennials would rather complain about student loan debt then buckle down and get a job.... ok baby boomer, since you either locked up you competition, put them on death row, and oh wait, you’ve done the same to the millennial generation in a way. Created a fail proof system at just making it impossible... yeah, you always have a choice... great, apply that to your stank ass attitude and stop bitching about how millennials want to expand social services.  It’s just frustrating because I don’t get it, I honesty don’t get it... for example HIV/AIDS costs our country $20 billion per year, over 700,000 lives have been lost since 1981- I think that number is  low ball figure as you do have to consent to an HIV test in most places so a respiratory infection/ventilator was probably to blame when really the undiagnosed HIV was the issue. But, I digress. Also in those numbers is it’s projected that with current efforts and preventions another 400,000 people will be diagnosed in the next ten years. So by expanding social services guess what- that can literally be curbed.... not curved (yum) as in the it going from ‘hell’ to ‘Aw that wasn’t so bad,’ to parked, and something that will live in a freezer in a few places in the world/universe and no longer be something that has people dying senselessly, some without families there for them since diagnosis as stigma is real, and oh wait... I know I’m taking this article a little serious but like with elections, the current issues, the space station falling apart- and to think I didn’t even get to go yet, people dying over the ‘principle’ of the issue- remember the good ole days when it was at least over a dollar!?  That’s what I was always told growing up, being that I was constantly seeking safety- you know someone will kill you for a dollar. Ha, insurance scam failed ring a bell?  Even at 5 I should have been able to call a bitch a bitch, but... that line and principle and all existed then in that situation as it does now.... oh! So it speaks to millennials being addicted to their phones... well, if the ignorance et al (cruelty, I’m>and you’re<, you ‘need to do!’) so that’s I’m greater then/than (I still haven’t figured that shit out all the way- but I didn’t know how to spell their, much less the difference between their (I-people) and there (as in a place because of the here) until fuck like the 7th grade. Leave it to a baby boomer to hold me back and the generation above them to catch me up!  She was black, had gigantic glasses, taught me to read in the 1st grade and everything else I needed that year, taught me a little about money, and cared more then a pay check could ever compensate for...).  Do I literally think they

Are raising their grand kids because of situations they put their kids through- in some. In others their is much more that applies.  

It’s weird that I have no idea what ‘tiktok’ is- the hunger games and Kesha come to mind but that’s about it.  I will have to investigate. But it really does speak to how ok boomer- I agree, they would rather be offended and have their feathers ruffled then like look at the situation from a neutral perspective and be like, oh shit... maybe I am an asshole.  Feel a certain type of way- by all means...but if you will either in a vote (that’s cataloged at the end of the day- so they know if you’re an asshole or not) or in any other form hate on a ‘something to make lives better,’ then that’s where I fall off. That kind of cruelty or ‘lack of compassion’ or... its just not something that I honestly know how to handle or approach. Like, i have thoughts that pop into my head sometimes and I’m like- there is no fucking way I just thought that... it’s usually inappropriate not violent- sometimes a little judgmental.  And the answer to all of it is so clear and easy... education.  So if you say, ‘getting dp’d was the moment when I knew...I was in over my head’ and I laugh, not like lol or rotfl but like that like little ‘like half smile, inhale of a fourth of a laugh, with the head/neck backwards and to the side’ maneuver... guess that that means?  It means, I can relate. I thought dp’d would be much better then something like bad or painful- which is when someone can really get offended. But, the maneuver just really signifies that you aren’t alone and tragedy or dp situations happen to others as well. It’s like- when I was outside, in the park, at the library (in public all the damn time!)- I said to someone, one of the very few people I actually would be vulnerable with in the sense of ‘you know to be around people 24/7 and 365... I feel so alone.’  I don’t know if I said lonely or alone or what... but, the take home point is there. 

Butt hurt- saying that being called ‘a boomer’ and ones own offendedness towards that is equivalent to the ‘n-word.’  I mean it sure wasn’t someone who has the right to be offended by the one name who applied it to the other but damn if that doesn’t just accurately paint a picture of how far out some peoples perspectives are.  Neighborhoods where 👮 don’t go and lives lost, not publicized to talked about or to me even acknowledged.... brought on by the boomers et al who ain’t got a clue about the world in which they live.... shit, no wonder climate change is.... imagine a boomer being like... like that’s air..... air is fine... see ‘sniff sniff’ it’s fine... as it pertains to climate change.  Ha. I feel bad- like the whole equality of pay and that whole situation and my comments shows you how out of touch I am in a way.  I mean, I didn’t think of a woman seeing how hard their mother works for pennies compared to what they know someone earns being that voice... I mean, maybe not that out of touch as I’m saying it should be across the board equal... but, even right now I’m like, ‘damn I can be a douche!’ And I can. Especially, now... like of the current situation I’m in I honestly have a... like sometimes I just can’t get it right, like Brexit... I said I was ‘praying for Brexit’... I later was like- self, that was really dumb, you’re an American and our government lies to us and that being said I don’t really know what the fuck it’s even about.... I mean, kind of the overall motif.... but even then.... so what I meant was that I’m praying for an outcome that is best for universe.  It’s like picking sides and you don’t even know if there is more then one person or side when it could be a person with multiple personalities!  I think it’s funny- but what’s not funny is not having all the facts or information or openness of mind and heart et al... to make a decision that’s best.  Like, conservative person... you been restricting social support for a longtime... has it made your paycheck or quality of life go up or down or stay steady? Ummmm, I think... I don’t know... oh please, a duck is a goose is a mallard is.... concern for the type of plastic that’s used as kiddos put those in their mouths when playing with and that stresses me the eff out.  No, nothing good has come from restricting support for people. Ok, restricting Teflon and all it’s cancer causing traits.... thank you!  However,  a stimulus package (wink wink) to go with it would have been ideal.... dunno if a person of the opposite party would have done that and it might have been attempted... but I am so over hearing someone or hearing the government or tv say, ‘you ought not’... without the perspective of ‘but it’s all I have or all I know...’ considered in the equation.  Ok, teenager- don’t get pregnant. Well, how do I prevent- abstinence. (Are you effing kidding me!) When it’s like, well, condoms, or homeopathic things like ‘sorry straight guys I think it’s gotta be searing hot water to the testicles’ decreases sperm count, or other interventions and also pharmaceuticals.... I know I know, I’m right.... going that route and then saying, but listen, just make sure you want a pet of that person with you for the rest of your life- as it is that big of a ‘shit for me a miracle! Ha! What you mean someone wants to get naked with me..... ‘literally at one point in my life I would have made sure no one was standing behind me!’’ It is that big of a deal- how wonderful that with the open communication messages are received and communicated much more... in a bang for your buck kinda way.  Plus- the interpersonal connection, the oh lemme talk about some more stuff (yes, I’d be reaching for a cork screw at this point.... cause I dunno water would mean I’d have to go pee more something- no, I was future tripping a little.) and also with open communication and not the ‘I’m this and you’re that’ motif (love that word! How have I forgotten about it for what feels like forever!) comes the creditability or like legitimacy or respect or whatever.  You solidify you’re a person and not a douche bag- in a nutshell shell. Omg I’m watching the UCLA/USC game- and the announcer just referenced Alabama.  Geez. That’s like bringing up kovorkian in a pre-op bay before a transplant... like, no.  

Ok ok I digress again- the annual commission meeting was like stellar. So like sometime in the 1980’s around 130,000 new cases were diagnosed annually. Now it’s down to <50,000.   What’s important for is that in forty eight counties, seven states, DC, and San Juan... there is a substantial rural HIV burden accounting for 50% of the new diagnoses for 2016/3017.  It takes awhile to acquire, interpret, etc the numbers before they release it.  1 in 2 people with HIV have the virus at least three years before diagnosis.  1 in 4 people with hiv have the virus at least seven years before diagnosis. 1 in 5 people with HIV are diagnosed with advanced aids. And 7 in 10 people with hiv saw a healthcare provider in the twelve months prior to the diagnosis and failed to be diagnosed. 97% of people newly diagnosed are getting it from someone who is undiagnosed or don’t know that they have it. The South currently is 52% of the new diagnoses in our country!  

People living with HIV who take HIV meds daily as prescribed and get and keep an undetectable viral load have effectively no risk of sexually transmitting HIV to their HIV negative partners. 

U=U is a campaign started to reduce stigma and educate- Undetectable=Untransmittable.  

They have the meds for once you have HIV, but also Prep- pre exposure prophylaxis, and pep- post exposure prophylaxis. I do wish I had done more research and started my self on prep back in the day- odds are I would be negative. Take advantage of your resources though!  It wasn’t covered by insurance at the time and had just come out so I was nervous about it.  

The President’s 2020 budget proposal had a lot of new money to it- thank you!  At the amount of $291 million!  Divided out over the agencies and with a broader range of options.  

I know. I hate it also.  It’s uncomfortable, awkward, and saddening- but, talking about it and also asking your medical provider, school nurse, University medical center people, the gay and lesbian centers for a test will take away some of the power over it has over us and for me, I was scared to give it to someone. Seven states account for over 50% of the newly diagnosed cases in the whole country. Well, and some counties. I bitch about stigma- had I not posted it on Facebook and shared it with family- things might be different.  There is one person if diagnosed today with whom I’d share it with- other then that besides my medical doctor it really is none of anyone’s business and you do not have to disclose your status....ever!  (If on meds U=U....!)

I hope that all the ‘get your book published’ commercials I’m seeing are a sign for something great to come... if nothing else it will give me something to do.  Since my criminal record and credit score keep me from working- sadly so does my degree making me either overqualified or raising eye brows... trust I’ve tried. Thanks boomers!  ;) ha!  I love you.  

I just ate a burrito and Kelly Ripa is in my head... long story short she was saying her hubby knows he’s gonna get some if she orders a salad.... if it’s like a nacho platter with a side of beans then it’s all bad!  ;) don’t worry young gay... you just have to perfect your preparation... ;)

Apparently...

Apparently...

So all those I’m going to call you kiddos. To all you kiddos trying to make the world better for yourselves, everyone else, and future primary and secondary school people- one of the accusations is that Trump laundered money through the NRA!  Are you kidding me!  That makes so much sense it’s sickening. If that person speaking right now calls these proceedings conspiracy theories in an effort to make fun of them... hey, douche hole!  Guess what... (ewww, I wanna call him a douche hole or douche bag but I’m trying to be...) conspiracy theories usually most often turn out to be true!   Like the movie with Julia and Mel!  Um, totally all turned out to be true!  Ummm, ok ok- conspiracy theory.... I get it, it sucks... I’m sure the conspiracy=classified red stamp got confused like DACA and DOMA.... but he with held the federal funds for California... I’m sure that’s his power play- like, how he gets his way or how he manipulates people. He hold the check!  As if it’s his to control anyways! 

Omg all these republican dudes up there trying to be Ms. Kamala Harris and all they doing is showing their holes instead!  Somethings just come natural! Ha- before you know it they are going to make them take their shoes off at the door just so they won’t fight!  

So I need for some more revenue to come on down the pipeline and into the pockets and in the safe keeping of our firemen. They have no revenue, the police have that porn company and the jail and have trustees and commissary and since people shoot at them and also our military some of that technology is passed down. However, being that they don’t arrest people (I cannot believe I’m just now thinking of these disparities!!!!) the individuals don’t get those benefits either.  It’s like a lot. Plus they go out into the community and provide value able education and to be honest it was awkward as awkward gets having to be the one to get on that damn slider board thing when I was getting my fire card or fire safety cert so that I know how to actually use some of that equipment should I need to or at least if I needed to back in the day....like not comparing apples to apples cause... but, in the grand common sense and knowledge of of country when is the last time an officer or set went out into the community and provided do’s and don’t’s as it pertains to what to do if stopped while walking down the side walk, or what to do or not to do when your pulled over and an officer is approaching your vehicle.  They bitch about it or they shoot you if you don’t act right... just saying.  Firemen go and conduct fire safety drills.... and what the police et al doing!?  I just hope that my concerns aren’t valid... like, the commissary and money flow of the police and jails would be why they would have an advantage possibly in the grant writing or acquisition of funds or just those little money market account type things to contribute to the financial aspect of research and development.  Plus I’m sure they have some great ideas about how to save others while protecting their own in a more efficient innovative way!   Oh!  And they are doing community engagements sin efforts to make sure that people who live in those fire hotspot areas are prepared. It’s not funny but it is funny- they dont tell you what to do until they are shouting at you and then omg the convenience factor of a sneeze with a weapon drawn has been used how many times?  This was supposed to be about firemen and I how I feel they are doing the most with essentially 400% below the federal poverty level of support or money or actually men. 

Yesterday marked the day in 2019, when someone who identifies as a latina female has earned an income equivalent to that of someone who identifies themselves as a caucasian male.  It’s confusing because its back ass backwards- so as a white man, in this example.... I made $12,060. (That’s the fed poverty level for 1.). Actually, let’s use $50,000. So if I earned $50,000 in 12 months.... it, in our country, has taken the person who identifies as a Latina female 23 months to earn the same $50,000. So that’s $4,166  a month that someone earns, there is someone else who earns $2173.  

Ok ok.  So someone just told me to have fun at the dentist... I was like oh you know I will.  Haha. I’ll probably show up with a numb jaw, talking even funnier then I do, and if only it wasn’t the first of a few appointments. My dentist was like I know came from somewhere with some dollars... why were you on the streets. I was like because of hate. I’m gay/happy and to some that’s toxic. He was like, oh that makes sense. You had the appropriate amount of dental work for someone to make it to college having a parent who knew they had met their match as far as ‘stop your evilness and be a parent.’  I was yeah, I went to college and though I was covered under my dad’s insurance the $20 copay was a little out of reach when you factor in travel time and expense to get to my dentist, the time i could have been studying or working, and then the missed income and extra expense ha!  Yeah right. But nonetheless, sorry Afrojack has me all distracted... three more stops... Help!  I’ve become accustomed to an hour long commute. It’s just dreadful- not only have I negotiated my life around it but I’ve allowed it to hermitize me.  Which is not very me at all.   Ew and guess what.... I’m sharing a room right. Ewww I’m like livid- so all of a sudden in the closest I see a black rvca jacket!  Ummm, isn’t that shady as efff. Ugh, now I feel like I owe an apology here and a ‘the fuck homie’ over there.  I do realize that they make more then own jacket. However, I don’t believe in coincidences!  

Omg, I know!

Omg I know...

    I’ve been missing in action like whoa!  I’m not making excuses but just for circumstance purposes... I don’t know wtf is up with my sinuses but holy moly there is a flood of (thankful clear) fluid pouring from my nose.   I was at the library- probably last week now that I think about it, wow a hot minute, and was in the I’m not effing getting up and having to grab all my shit and go to the bathroom for a tissue!  Ok ok- my self conscious self naturally got up, headed for the door for an appointment or something and then walked right past the rest room! It was about a block or two before I realized... my forgotten tissue and sooo- snughh, snughhh, snughh made my presence known!  ;) Cheers!   I went to a meeting, the commission- it was phenomenal.  The ‘ending the epidemic’ is real and started by the current administration- thank you.  Their is more funding coming in with the goal of eradication being in 10 years.  Lofty, but with funding and loosening of some of the restrictions about where and w whom and under what circumstance it can be utilized... people are amazing.  I’m thankful that the ‘it’s a funding issue’ reality and the misconception of ‘its not doable even with money’ debate has been settled.... and with what? Haha, funding!   I spoke- I was like beyond nervous, so with a crackling voice and sweat and a little bit of a stutter here and there I just brought to life the situation I’m in- I kept it on the ‘I’ which is something someone really cool told me to do... I did say (unfortunately that I was nervous... about three or four times!) that my situation applies and then there are many similar stories- but I was like so one of my medications is $1300 per month, the other is $1800 per month, the emergency shelter/shared housing I’m in is paid for by federal grant money that’s $1500 a month or so ($50 a day), so we’re up to $4,600 a month or $55,200 a year (literally I just had to use the proof of purchase from my diet mountain dew as a tissue because once again I forgot to throw a tissue or two in my pocket. Ugh!) then I can’t remember what else I added in there but the take home for me and what I wanted the people in the room to get was that I only receive $194 for food and $221 in cash per month or $2328 and $2652 a year to do with what I want (like dollars that actually touch me for me to have governance over). I mean limits apply.... like thankfully some fast food places accept the food dollars and then at the market there are some limits and also out of that there is a need to maintain personal hygiene and supplies- toothpaste, toothbrush, soap, shampoo, Deo, floss, et al, and any like clothes I may need, writing utensils, socks, shoes, oh and rent- which is 30% or $60... so that’s already $160.  So like 8.4% of the almost $60k per year thrown at my situation or on my behalf do I get to touch and actually have governance over.... like my housing I basically go where they tell me- currently by LAX.  Not that I’m not happy or that they arent great, but it wasn’t a choice, it isn’t in an area I know or want to live- though I feel safe and like it. There is little wiggle room for me to do anything- if I get an interview I have to find a non-profit that ‘does that’ because I’m still expected to wear a suit and don’t have the income to purchase one without the direct supervision of another.  If I need a new set of head phones, a sheet pan thing to bake something on, or whitening strips, a pair of socks. I’m not bitching- but most often you, or most often I know what’s best for me.  Believe that- I’m empowering you that your own gut feeling just like with test taking about your first answer usually being the correct one- your gut feeling about decisions in life is usually the correct one. And at least that way if you fail you have yourself to blame and haven’t really included any one that you can either blame or let down with the failure- which I don’t like that word... living and learning.... the only failure is when there is regret.  If for me that’s the only time I would use that word... like you don’t or can’t fail at life.... you simply live and learn. So if I regret something, it really wears on me. It does.  In such a real way that I honestly don’t do it again, until I eventually forget the ‘regret feeing’ and live and learn a little more in that fashion only to become reacquainted with it again!  It just makes it so at the end of the day- the autonomy that should be with me isn’t... it’s with others.   There is an independence missing somewhere.  It does piss me off a little- like $1500 a month could get me a room in the neighborhood I’m familiar with.... most people live where they do for a reason and for me it’s an area where I feel ‘not different.’   Being in an area of mostly gays makes me feel like I’m not different or an outlier because I like dick in my mouth.... there are some places where that quality is the norm! ..., and would be well!  I get that there is a trust issue there- clearly the person today in the impeachment proceedings that said ‘we trust the American people...’ is making changes coming down the pipeline.  ;)  Ha, that was a segment from a situation and a segment of a statement that doesn’t directly have anything to do with me... but see how annoying that could be when a DA takes a segment from a phone convo you were having with someone and yeah- annoying right?  (In one of my cases the DA used my sarcasm against me.... and didn’t include the ‘are you effing kidding me, I wouldn’t think that!’ I didn’t watch the hearings for a few days- like I stopped when the dude was like something something this is $300 million in federal tax dollars from the American people meant for anti-corruption efforts in another country.  Baha!  This is a movie and script right?  I’m all about giving aid and all, philanthropy is so important... but I like yelped out loud and went into the other room. It’s like... such a ughhh thing to do.... raise your hand if your home life sucks or sucked, like sucks with the best efforts possible of the actual application of suckage..... but everyone thinks from the outside looking in that your nice appearance and clothes and smile and attitude and polite manner and good job and fresh haircut means everything is swell through and through. What’s that called, like.... because it’s what our country kind of does.... oh look, nothing to see here, nothing wrong, nothing to see... oh shit, you’ve got a hurricane coming? Here you go!  Maybe this gazillion dollars will help!   Oh, and here’s some of our actual people power to aid in the heavy lifting!  Meanwhile, we have the most people incarcerated per capita then any other place in the universe, we have a criteria for government aid that has a requirement of living at 400% below the federal poverty level, and....

I’m so thankful that some libraries are open later!   A public library open past 6pm?  Omg I luckily found one!   and it just saved my life- I had to fill out this form for an attorney/this thing for unpaid wages from a contract way back when... and luckily luckily I will be able to make the deadline of when it needs to be submitted!  The struggle is real though!  Lol oh to have a printer at home- ha which to be honest I’ve never had!  Well maybe in high school.  It was kind of expensive at $0.30 for two pages... ;) but, I also love Fedex and those types of places.  It makes me wish I had bags and bags of dollars to buy or just send as dollars in themselves to friends, family, random people, and people I become aware of in need. But even if I used one of those places I still had to type the actual letter. Ugh.  To be honest I’m like right past the deadline... though I do hope that they accept it... it’s like- my money right?   But nonetheless someone else can totally keep me from it?  Or at least set hard limits that may lead to the not acquiring of what’s mine.  Needless to say If someone was really shady and barely tried to make you aware of the million dollars that are yours, and inform you that if you don’t contact or submit said form by a certain date... that too bad- looks like you were doing fine without the million dollars and didn’t complete the form and so we will just keep it for you..I shouldn’t discuss it cause I’m still dependent on them to say ok cool- your moving and eh al means you still get what’s yours... I dunno even how much money it is!?  Haha, watch it’ll be like $0.05. Can you imagine?  I’d be ok with that- at least maybe it wouldn’t happen to anyone else- this leaving out of said wages earned...and that’s how I should respect money.  It’s how I am learning to respect money!   I know I know not turning my form in doesn’t really show it but! I was waiting for my new addy!   Omg I hope I don’t have to move again until it’s like into something my own or a roomie situation I’m comfortable with- it’s so annoying.  I’m grateful, and so thankful that all this exists- I’m just being impatient and to be honest I’m exhausted!  I hope that my efforts though make it better for those just starting a nightmare similar to mine.... ugh, one day when you need emergency housing you’ll be able to go to the same place you go when you need cash aid or food and be able to have a safe place to lay your head by the end of that business day. 

I’m reading this article and someone is speaking to being afraid to reach for their phone as to record their encounter with officers- the officers are being excessive with there actions or forcefulness with this person in tears (mind you her brother was shot and killed by officers and the way the article reads the same arresting officer in this situation) I wish there was a way to know how many people, how many family members, neighbors, teachers, nurses, teenagers, youth et al that have been shot by someone in a position of authority simply because they were reaching for their phone in order to either call for help or record the encounter.  I’m just saying- In my high school drivers education in Springville, Alabama I was taught to call dispatch or the non-emergency police or sheriffs line and verify the officers badge numbers and make sure that they had the right to stop you. I un o the back story of it was impersonations or kidnappings or assaults.... but, I can’t relate to the article in a sense of it being about the harassment people and families of those shot and killed by police/sheriffs (can you imagine that nightmare- the same person that shot your son driving by multiple times and waving at you, or flicking you off, or harassing you at family gatherings.... or in one case at the celebration of life for the family member killed!)  but I sure can as it pertains to the push back I’ve encountered all because I asked for a badge number.  (I mean if you want to get that official with things we can!) Like- dude you about to put me in handcuffs, hell yeah I wanna know your badge number!  Oh it’ll be on the paper- oh you mean the carbon copy paper that oh write by hand and have perfected the technique of your name and badge number not being visible on my copy. Literally- 10 misdemeanors, 3 felonies, and a strike.... and not one time have I been able, when I actually received my copy been able to read their information.  This mother in the same article is saying  ‘how can I teach them to have faith when I don’t...’. her heart ache is so real- I can feel it in the article from The Times (LA).  I can’t imagine the issues the journalist (what’s the difference between a journalist and reporter?  So basically interchangeable though I guess a report conducts interviews and a journalist prepares and delivers the news.) who wrote the article might soon have to deal with. I hope not.  Truly, it’s not like he is effing creating the stories or bringing all this about- he’s simply making it known- thank you!  I honestly totally believe these stories and people- why would they lie?  Why would they make up lies... they wouldn’t. Their hearts are breaking for the ones they’ve lost at the hands of officers who are meant to protect them- dealing with that and then dealing with taunts and fear and retaliation and further arrests... like, this one family member was arrested after she ‘smarted off’ to the officers or officer that is the one who actually shot and killed her family member... you must be joking.  That’s a nightmare not real life, right?!  No- sadly it’s real life. I must say this article is specifically about Deputies and the Sheriffs Department. But, my experience, my personal experience and interactions with both allow me to say that it’s a shared commonality. The article’s main point is that the ones at the highest rank are resisting the community and it’s right to transparency in regards to law enforcement. I know that something can be done about this on a federal/national level.

Don’t even get me started on the emails in my gmail totaling a whopping $10,352,975 of ‘you’ve won’ or ‘your check for... is on its way!  How crazy!  It’s crazy- and sadly I have fallen for a few of them- not going to lie!  Like- I’m already gullible, to the point it’s almost sad. But, the broke bitch version of me that some aren’t familiar with... he’ll do a lot, cause hey... you never know!  Haha, as long as someone doesn’t talk about how they have picked up a $100 bill/a Benjamin off the sidewalk recently.... cause at one point in my most desperate times of ‘get me back to LA’ when I was up north I totally watched the sidewalk as I walked- haha and the better part is that at the time I didn’t have eye glasses or my corrective lenses. So- it was like I really had to look and concentrate!  Omg- how sad. Honestly though I’ve never been that person- I think the closest I came was once my quarter was returned on the bus... and upon retrieving it I found a stash of coins!  Eyes lighting up I held out my hand to show the driver what I had found only to have him yell at me and then give me a hard time about a ‘free ride’ because he didn’t believe that one of the coins was actually mine!  Ha. 

Omg all good though- except I hate walk an unknown route... some of these sidewalks and the placement of the bottom to make it known you need to cross the street, the distance in between and sequence of the light, light rail, cars, turn lanes, and then me with my over use of the button.... it’s a lot.  And I always end up getting in my steps those days!  Which was tonight! Haha!   

If no one has told you today they love you, I do. The struggle is real, just don’t make the struggle more intense or real then it is... i don’t catastrophize but I do just let my anxiety and fear turn me into an awkward sweaty mess.  I’m working on it. ;) 

Oh, and the new MacBook pros make me wanna ‘insert that noise g-Eazy caused Britney to make in that one song’- yessir!’  Though, an iPad or mb air would probably be sufficient- though mid as well go big! 

And did you know that New York Life Insurance had the audacity to deny my housemate coverage or a life insurance policy related to his HIV status!   I guess get it while your negative!  Or else, you ain’t getting it!   Just crazy!!