Omg, I know!

Omg I know...

    I’ve been missing in action like whoa!  I’m not making excuses but just for circumstance purposes... I don’t know wtf is up with my sinuses but holy moly there is a flood of (thankful clear) fluid pouring from my nose.   I was at the library- probably last week now that I think about it, wow a hot minute, and was in the I’m not effing getting up and having to grab all my shit and go to the bathroom for a tissue!  Ok ok- my self conscious self naturally got up, headed for the door for an appointment or something and then walked right past the rest room! It was about a block or two before I realized... my forgotten tissue and sooo- snughh, snughhh, snughh made my presence known!  ;) Cheers!   I went to a meeting, the commission- it was phenomenal.  The ‘ending the epidemic’ is real and started by the current administration- thank you.  Their is more funding coming in with the goal of eradication being in 10 years.  Lofty, but with funding and loosening of some of the restrictions about where and w whom and under what circumstance it can be utilized... people are amazing.  I’m thankful that the ‘it’s a funding issue’ reality and the misconception of ‘its not doable even with money’ debate has been settled.... and with what? Haha, funding!   I spoke- I was like beyond nervous, so with a crackling voice and sweat and a little bit of a stutter here and there I just brought to life the situation I’m in- I kept it on the ‘I’ which is something someone really cool told me to do... I did say (unfortunately that I was nervous... about three or four times!) that my situation applies and then there are many similar stories- but I was like so one of my medications is $1300 per month, the other is $1800 per month, the emergency shelter/shared housing I’m in is paid for by federal grant money that’s $1500 a month or so ($50 a day), so we’re up to $4,600 a month or $55,200 a year (literally I just had to use the proof of purchase from my diet mountain dew as a tissue because once again I forgot to throw a tissue or two in my pocket. Ugh!) then I can’t remember what else I added in there but the take home for me and what I wanted the people in the room to get was that I only receive $194 for food and $221 in cash per month or $2328 and $2652 a year to do with what I want (like dollars that actually touch me for me to have governance over). I mean limits apply.... like thankfully some fast food places accept the food dollars and then at the market there are some limits and also out of that there is a need to maintain personal hygiene and supplies- toothpaste, toothbrush, soap, shampoo, Deo, floss, et al, and any like clothes I may need, writing utensils, socks, shoes, oh and rent- which is 30% or $60... so that’s already $160.  So like 8.4% of the almost $60k per year thrown at my situation or on my behalf do I get to touch and actually have governance over.... like my housing I basically go where they tell me- currently by LAX.  Not that I’m not happy or that they arent great, but it wasn’t a choice, it isn’t in an area I know or want to live- though I feel safe and like it. There is little wiggle room for me to do anything- if I get an interview I have to find a non-profit that ‘does that’ because I’m still expected to wear a suit and don’t have the income to purchase one without the direct supervision of another.  If I need a new set of head phones, a sheet pan thing to bake something on, or whitening strips, a pair of socks. I’m not bitching- but most often you, or most often I know what’s best for me.  Believe that- I’m empowering you that your own gut feeling just like with test taking about your first answer usually being the correct one- your gut feeling about decisions in life is usually the correct one. And at least that way if you fail you have yourself to blame and haven’t really included any one that you can either blame or let down with the failure- which I don’t like that word... living and learning.... the only failure is when there is regret.  If for me that’s the only time I would use that word... like you don’t or can’t fail at life.... you simply live and learn. So if I regret something, it really wears on me. It does.  In such a real way that I honestly don’t do it again, until I eventually forget the ‘regret feeing’ and live and learn a little more in that fashion only to become reacquainted with it again!  It just makes it so at the end of the day- the autonomy that should be with me isn’t... it’s with others.   There is an independence missing somewhere.  It does piss me off a little- like $1500 a month could get me a room in the neighborhood I’m familiar with.... most people live where they do for a reason and for me it’s an area where I feel ‘not different.’   Being in an area of mostly gays makes me feel like I’m not different or an outlier because I like dick in my mouth.... there are some places where that quality is the norm! ..., and would be well!  I get that there is a trust issue there- clearly the person today in the impeachment proceedings that said ‘we trust the American people...’ is making changes coming down the pipeline.  ;)  Ha, that was a segment from a situation and a segment of a statement that doesn’t directly have anything to do with me... but see how annoying that could be when a DA takes a segment from a phone convo you were having with someone and yeah- annoying right?  (In one of my cases the DA used my sarcasm against me.... and didn’t include the ‘are you effing kidding me, I wouldn’t think that!’ I didn’t watch the hearings for a few days- like I stopped when the dude was like something something this is $300 million in federal tax dollars from the American people meant for anti-corruption efforts in another country.  Baha!  This is a movie and script right?  I’m all about giving aid and all, philanthropy is so important... but I like yelped out loud and went into the other room. It’s like... such a ughhh thing to do.... raise your hand if your home life sucks or sucked, like sucks with the best efforts possible of the actual application of suckage..... but everyone thinks from the outside looking in that your nice appearance and clothes and smile and attitude and polite manner and good job and fresh haircut means everything is swell through and through. What’s that called, like.... because it’s what our country kind of does.... oh look, nothing to see here, nothing wrong, nothing to see... oh shit, you’ve got a hurricane coming? Here you go!  Maybe this gazillion dollars will help!   Oh, and here’s some of our actual people power to aid in the heavy lifting!  Meanwhile, we have the most people incarcerated per capita then any other place in the universe, we have a criteria for government aid that has a requirement of living at 400% below the federal poverty level, and....

I’m so thankful that some libraries are open later!   A public library open past 6pm?  Omg I luckily found one!   and it just saved my life- I had to fill out this form for an attorney/this thing for unpaid wages from a contract way back when... and luckily luckily I will be able to make the deadline of when it needs to be submitted!  The struggle is real though!  Lol oh to have a printer at home- ha which to be honest I’ve never had!  Well maybe in high school.  It was kind of expensive at $0.30 for two pages... ;) but, I also love Fedex and those types of places.  It makes me wish I had bags and bags of dollars to buy or just send as dollars in themselves to friends, family, random people, and people I become aware of in need. But even if I used one of those places I still had to type the actual letter. Ugh.  To be honest I’m like right past the deadline... though I do hope that they accept it... it’s like- my money right?   But nonetheless someone else can totally keep me from it?  Or at least set hard limits that may lead to the not acquiring of what’s mine.  Needless to say If someone was really shady and barely tried to make you aware of the million dollars that are yours, and inform you that if you don’t contact or submit said form by a certain date... that too bad- looks like you were doing fine without the million dollars and didn’t complete the form and so we will just keep it for you..I shouldn’t discuss it cause I’m still dependent on them to say ok cool- your moving and eh al means you still get what’s yours... I dunno even how much money it is!?  Haha, watch it’ll be like $0.05. Can you imagine?  I’d be ok with that- at least maybe it wouldn’t happen to anyone else- this leaving out of said wages earned...and that’s how I should respect money.  It’s how I am learning to respect money!   I know I know not turning my form in doesn’t really show it but! I was waiting for my new addy!   Omg I hope I don’t have to move again until it’s like into something my own or a roomie situation I’m comfortable with- it’s so annoying.  I’m grateful, and so thankful that all this exists- I’m just being impatient and to be honest I’m exhausted!  I hope that my efforts though make it better for those just starting a nightmare similar to mine.... ugh, one day when you need emergency housing you’ll be able to go to the same place you go when you need cash aid or food and be able to have a safe place to lay your head by the end of that business day. 

I’m reading this article and someone is speaking to being afraid to reach for their phone as to record their encounter with officers- the officers are being excessive with there actions or forcefulness with this person in tears (mind you her brother was shot and killed by officers and the way the article reads the same arresting officer in this situation) I wish there was a way to know how many people, how many family members, neighbors, teachers, nurses, teenagers, youth et al that have been shot by someone in a position of authority simply because they were reaching for their phone in order to either call for help or record the encounter.  I’m just saying- In my high school drivers education in Springville, Alabama I was taught to call dispatch or the non-emergency police or sheriffs line and verify the officers badge numbers and make sure that they had the right to stop you. I un o the back story of it was impersonations or kidnappings or assaults.... but, I can’t relate to the article in a sense of it being about the harassment people and families of those shot and killed by police/sheriffs (can you imagine that nightmare- the same person that shot your son driving by multiple times and waving at you, or flicking you off, or harassing you at family gatherings.... or in one case at the celebration of life for the family member killed!)  but I sure can as it pertains to the push back I’ve encountered all because I asked for a badge number.  (I mean if you want to get that official with things we can!) Like- dude you about to put me in handcuffs, hell yeah I wanna know your badge number!  Oh it’ll be on the paper- oh you mean the carbon copy paper that oh write by hand and have perfected the technique of your name and badge number not being visible on my copy. Literally- 10 misdemeanors, 3 felonies, and a strike.... and not one time have I been able, when I actually received my copy been able to read their information.  This mother in the same article is saying  ‘how can I teach them to have faith when I don’t...’. her heart ache is so real- I can feel it in the article from The Times (LA).  I can’t imagine the issues the journalist (what’s the difference between a journalist and reporter?  So basically interchangeable though I guess a report conducts interviews and a journalist prepares and delivers the news.) who wrote the article might soon have to deal with. I hope not.  Truly, it’s not like he is effing creating the stories or bringing all this about- he’s simply making it known- thank you!  I honestly totally believe these stories and people- why would they lie?  Why would they make up lies... they wouldn’t. Their hearts are breaking for the ones they’ve lost at the hands of officers who are meant to protect them- dealing with that and then dealing with taunts and fear and retaliation and further arrests... like, this one family member was arrested after she ‘smarted off’ to the officers or officer that is the one who actually shot and killed her family member... you must be joking.  That’s a nightmare not real life, right?!  No- sadly it’s real life. I must say this article is specifically about Deputies and the Sheriffs Department. But, my experience, my personal experience and interactions with both allow me to say that it’s a shared commonality. The article’s main point is that the ones at the highest rank are resisting the community and it’s right to transparency in regards to law enforcement. I know that something can be done about this on a federal/national level.

Don’t even get me started on the emails in my gmail totaling a whopping $10,352,975 of ‘you’ve won’ or ‘your check for... is on its way!  How crazy!  It’s crazy- and sadly I have fallen for a few of them- not going to lie!  Like- I’m already gullible, to the point it’s almost sad. But, the broke bitch version of me that some aren’t familiar with... he’ll do a lot, cause hey... you never know!  Haha, as long as someone doesn’t talk about how they have picked up a $100 bill/a Benjamin off the sidewalk recently.... cause at one point in my most desperate times of ‘get me back to LA’ when I was up north I totally watched the sidewalk as I walked- haha and the better part is that at the time I didn’t have eye glasses or my corrective lenses. So- it was like I really had to look and concentrate!  Omg- how sad. Honestly though I’ve never been that person- I think the closest I came was once my quarter was returned on the bus... and upon retrieving it I found a stash of coins!  Eyes lighting up I held out my hand to show the driver what I had found only to have him yell at me and then give me a hard time about a ‘free ride’ because he didn’t believe that one of the coins was actually mine!  Ha. 

Omg all good though- except I hate walk an unknown route... some of these sidewalks and the placement of the bottom to make it known you need to cross the street, the distance in between and sequence of the light, light rail, cars, turn lanes, and then me with my over use of the button.... it’s a lot.  And I always end up getting in my steps those days!  Which was tonight! Haha!   

If no one has told you today they love you, I do. The struggle is real, just don’t make the struggle more intense or real then it is... i don’t catastrophize but I do just let my anxiety and fear turn me into an awkward sweaty mess.  I’m working on it. ;) 

Oh, and the new MacBook pros make me wanna ‘insert that noise g-Eazy caused Britney to make in that one song’- yessir!’  Though, an iPad or mb air would probably be sufficient- though mid as well go big! 

And did you know that New York Life Insurance had the audacity to deny my housemate coverage or a life insurance policy related to his HIV status!   I guess get it while your negative!  Or else, you ain’t getting it!   Just crazy!!