What makes me cry...

Question 1- why do some computers know what Helvetica is and some don’t? 

So on the day of discharge I met with the psychiatrist twice- this unit I think is more of an observation/EPS type unit.  The docs see how you mingle with the other people, your behavior, eating, etc.- then when they feel youre ready or whatever they meet with you face to face.  Lets be real- that’s incredibly efficient and being that there aren’t that many true psychjiatrists these days and how many of us crazies thjere are- lets just say this lady saw staright through me.  It was fantastic.  She brought up my emotional breakdown/or breakthrough the day before and noted how heartfelt it was on her end.  I’m crying now as I write this- she spoke to being a young doctor in the city and trying to complete medicine residency during the brunt of the HIV/AIDS fiasco.  Can you imagine being turned away not because of inability to pay but because of your HIV status.  Then, not being able to go home- because you landlord evicted you because of your status? She was fantastic- she met with me again… making sure I was hydrated, had a taxi waiting, and made sure I had lunch before I departed.  In the hot mess that followed related to my eye I don’t think I ever sent a thank you card.  Ugh!

Just like my Katrina story and the KKK being a firsthand conversation in addition to a few others,  I’ve been privileged enough to have a few about the HIV/AIDS mess before laws were created to prevent such acts.  I think to how cold it gets here- and I’m not even in the city.  I would go but I don’t have the courage as I might actually die since I hear it’s too cold to sleep directly on the pavement.  Earlier I said out loud to my library friend that having relatives that don’t want you in their lives because of who you are is so much harder to deal with then having a relative that’s deceased and did.  I got a few looks- that were all like ‘OMG that’s so true.’ 

I love AHF- Aids Healthcare Foundation.  They literally saved my life when I was diagnosed.  They literally spoon fed my way to getting insurance, medication, and government support. I thank God for their grassroots organization that went from being coffee can donations in churches to a Billion dollar non-profit.  They were there to help people have dignity as they took their last breathes on the streets to now helping me take my first breathes as a gay man living with HIV.  Ha- its ended up being full blown aids with later testing- thank good ness I didn’t infect anyone.

This may be too much(but I’m a little bit too much)- but a friend was trying, and I mean trying to have me dick him down one night.  I was so upset, and lost, and uneasy that I couldn’t even get hard.  I was like I can’t- almost in tears…. And told him what all was going on.  He was like omg- I know what you’re going through, but it’s so not a big deal.  He was like I know what will make you feel better… thank goodness we are both verse… and I felt phenomenal afterwards.  Walking side to side like a.g. sings about. 

Thank goodness- cause then the onslaught on me posting my status on facebook ensued!       

hello hello...

So after night of the warm sleeping bag my friend was not so inclined which was fine- somehow the night before and that night had attached some extra people.  The one dude the night before apparently had talked all night- trying to keep me up but being that I was so tired failed. This night homeboy was determined to make himself known I guess- at one point kicked me to wake me up to ask me something about ‘what did I like to do for fun?’ then, said I’ve got this bottle of water I’m gonna dump on you… before I could do anything he had dumped a whole bottle of water 0ny my lower half! I mean on what fucking planter am I on.  I hate this city. I wasn’t doing anything- I was sleeping.  His friend that was there ‘Paula’ said something about leaving me alone and so he did.  I asked her for a blanket in the mounds she was laying in and she said no.  I mean shit.  ‘Barry,’ the nice guy that let me borrow the sleeping bag was hiding in one of those public restrooms all night.  It was awful- so last night I decided to grace no one with my presence since it seems that no matter if they love or hate me- I seem to cause imbalance.  So annoying.

What I do love is Sia’s video The Greatest.  It seems that it coincidentally is inspired by the shootings in Orlando at that ‘Gay night club.’  I at the time was in a locked psych ward for attempting to electrocute myself- I failed.  But I was sitting in the common area and they showed the photos of the victims one by one on GMA- and I lost it.  Not in a had to be sedated out of my mind again kinda way- I just walked off to the back to where my bed was and laid down.  One of the aides came and asked if I was ok, literally syringes and pills in hand because that’s how I had been prior to- all I could say was ‘what did they do?’  He and everyone else knew what I was going through since I’m contagious.  He said ‘I wondered the same thing’ and thankfully instead of medicating more just had someone sit with me- which was annoying because naturally I just wanted to cry and cry- not in front of anyone.  This cry wasn’t able to be held back and before I knew it he and me and the other 10-ish people that shared my room were all crying.  It was fantastic- and got everyone extra desert that night since it was a breakthrough for everyone.  I’ve learned better now- I have no emergency contact set up anywhere- the person who’s information I gave them they deleted… after realizing this was the psychopath causing most of my drama.  So, if I see my friends again soon it’ll be much different.  

My life was supposed to be so different after I left there.  Before that I knew my eye was having trouble, when I moved into my apartment for my new contract I had received a  package from amazon and while carrying it up the stairs it hit the left side of my face- and two days later after having started work I was in the hospital with a retinal detachment.  So annoying- that contract was my saving grace! And it was cancelled after I needed long term antibiotic, etc. 

I would post pictures- and such.  But literally I haven’t been able to keep a phone for more then a week- which is why my gofundme hasn’t been updated and why I haven’t been able to get the money from it.  So annoying! Literally I had this phone for like 3 days at max.      

Ah, the Bieb’s is back in my ears (did I misspell his name last time?) opps.  He be like, ‘yeah, put some respeckt on it!’  He is very wise, I think.  I was listening to a set of videos selected by youtube itself.  In one of the videos he spoke to Grace, and how even though he had failed at something he had to give himself the Grace that God does- that no one is perfect as hard as they try. 

On that note- I saw a ‘vending machine’ thing at Walmart that said ‘Cash for phones now.’ I think I saw red- to think that all I’ve been going through and how much harder it’s been because of my phone issues- that a thug may have stolen one just to see how much cash he could get because he wanted to go to red lobster or some shit made me livid! And there was a line!

Soap Box...

Soap Box Time…

Remember that Juice Box song??

People on bikes are the most annoying flipping people- or at least in my current area…. You complain about sharing the road, they build you an eeffing lane on said road- and you have the nerve to honk or ding at people you’re about to run over ON THE SIDEWALK!! God forbid if one of these college girls close line you cause you’re a habitual creeper, or you give some one the heart attack of their life, or some veteran choke slams you….

I hate that I sit here and sniff and sniff instead of going and blowing my nose…

There was another kind person the other night, maybe 3-4 nights ago- yet to be hubbled like I am now by the rain.  I was in the park, almost asleep, and he walked up unzipped this giant red ‘warmest comforter’/tent and threw it on me and walked off.  I said Thank you several times and I didn’t see his face but it kept me so warm! I packed it up the next morning and was so annoyed when I was told by the person at the public library that I wasn’t allowed to bring bedding inside- this was right after she clicked this little device and told me I was being recorded…. I had no energy to say ‘you don’t have permission to do so…’ or do anything but walk away.  I roamed around, blah blah and the next night was fortunate enough to use it again to keep me warm and dry surprisingly!  But, due to needing to try and get things done at the library, like- get my shit together I left it in the park…. I was so sad.  I hope you’re not one of those- but what about that blanket I gave you 5 years ago kinda person.  In case you are, that’s my story.  I was later told by someone else the next night that bedding is ok- as long as its in a clear zipper bag like the one I effing had it in the first place!

To the awesome officers of this fine city- I apologize.  ‘Are you a cop or a model’ has literally come out of my mouth several times- either in passing or while being cuffed.  But, I had to put some ‘respeckt’ on it… I call em like I see em.

So I think of things after the fact or while in the middle of some shit show I’ve created on accident…. 1.  This sales ladt harassed me over potentially having stole ice cream or something about the day before… her and one or two other employees literally were patting my jacket down, yelling, grabbing… worst part is they had me cornered…. As in waited until the last possible second to make a stand so the check out isles were blocking me…. Thank God it was me.  In the future your life is not worth it, getting pimp slapped is not worth it… I know a district manager that once fired a co-worker for doing so. 2.   I’m currently at a fantastic library.  Like, I love it.  The San Jose public library/University Library…. Anybody…anybody?  Total bullshit to harass us homeless individuals while double dipping in funding to create such a heavenly place.   Also- to dare try and ‘paint anyone as a creeper’ because they used the wrong corner entrance to either enter the building or to nap is pathetic…

On that last one… let me mention that I was written another citation for trespassing because of this!

Now- I’m done.  It’s time for a nap and my head is killing me. 

To my fabulous newly retired friend- I cried, even though I wasn’t actually there.  I love you, you dork!

Again, I hate the creating fake profile nonsense.  I hate using other peoples screen names- again, ‘change password’ day should be nationally recognized! But, I’ll continue sleeping on the ground in the cold getting high by my damn self…. Or being productive, or helping Pinky take over the world, or whatever the eff I wanna do…. ‘I’m paying for it so you have to do it on my terms.’  Hunni Bye, Felicia Bye… Catch me when I come off tour…. Whatever sassiness I can say besides what I really wanna say… Whoopi said it best, ‘Bless you.’ 

I would like: cigarettes, circumcision, and bullying/passive aggression/stupidity/....outlawed.  Thank you!  

Mu heart is full...

So here it goes: let’s see who I can piss off the most…

I am so thankful to the ‘stranger friend’ that let me borrow the warmest most comfortable sleeping bag I’ve ever slept in.  It was freezing- or would become so and has literally been raining for days.  Like, everything here is soaked- beyond any reasonable doubt.  I wish they would warn people not to sleep under trees- can you imagine the ground being so drenched that these giant ass trees are falling? And on people!  I read that article a few weeks ago- this one written from LA: a wedding party was taking photos and a tree so colossally huge fell over, roots and all, that several people were injured and I think one fatality!  (I cried when I thought of what chaos has gone on in the weddings I’ve been a part of, thankfully the Maid of Honor or HBIC has always umbrella’d  the brunt of it- but there is not a pink enough, puffy enough, taffeta out dress big enough to handle that.  I’ve always said I would have to go to a therapist that treated therapists, just because I think I’m that clever but damn- Christa Applegate would hopefully be there to say- look its Jesus… My snotty reply would be the audacity of hope saying ‘please just say you’re sorry and not ignorant!’  I’m thankful in my belief that everything happens for a reason.  I apologize for everything- I wish I could figure out a new phrase… a lot of times I’m apologizing only for circumstance.

My train derailed—

It was sooooo warm! And smelled like it had just been laundered- so it was just like getting into a warm bed after having just washed my sheets- and I got to only wear shorts and a shirt.  My usual commando sleep attire has been adanbdoned due to my obsession with staying hydr4ated and lack of time between eyes wide open and the opening of the flood gates.  It was so decadent that I would run to the corner, pee, and run back to my heavenly coleman cloud- and before putting my feet inside wipe them off with a napkin.  Yes, due to the warmth and zipper of the bag, lack of button on my shorts, and distance to semi-privacy there was no time for shoes or socks…HA!  People can hate on b.jean all day long for going to a public restroom barefoot- but a mama foregoing shoes and jetting to a public restroom so her kiddos aren’t subjected to an underworked overpaid assistant having to do so with an attitude is admirable… but hunni bye!  People be like, ‘OHHHH!’ and she be like, ‘GD someone finally got it!’  Can you imagine trying to keep your kids clean, wipe the seat, have everyone emptied, washed, then do what anyone does before they leave the bathroom and do a self-head to toe assessment seeing what someone will be able to make fun of you for so you can be prepared and not shocked- only to realize that…

So anyways, I need to Thank my homies down at the local eatery I frequent.  It’s convenicent and good, and I cannot be Thankful enough for a hot meal after… they serve lunch and dinner 7 days a week- and to be honest since they are their own organization I don’t know what the funding situation is there.  In addition to changing the world, figuring out why none of the fucking water fountains in my current area work- literally stealing a bottle of water is literally sometimes the option, surviving, and trying to convience myself that having a living relative that doesn’t want you in their life is indeed harder then dealing with the death of one that does- I’ll look into it.  Either way- I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth a lot- and will continue to do so all my life… but these guys aren’t trained by ‘it’s raw!’ himself, and feed hundreds per day, 7 days a week, and have to deal with assholes- who are just straight up wholehearted assholes, people with mental illness’- who are legit in themselves, lazy people, people like me….geez, and deal with the tug on their heart when they have to uphold certain rules to keep their jobs and ‘order’ are Hero’s.  And- even sometimes let us have seconds, and deal with one of those legit individuals having a medical emergency until EMS arrives- seriously!  Then- do it all again tomorrow! Or in 4 hours?! I mean- fuck bro. 

So- I’m an asshole…. Well some type of ass- I try not to put it as my ‘nickname’ since I’ve been called one or the other by someone who may or may not be biologically responsible for my being one… the struggle is real, every time!.

I mean, it’s not really my place- but I’m proud.  I’m proud that someone who is probably going to be a billion dollars in debt when this is all said and done instead of the opposite has the courage to do what he’s doing- He’s moving people! Literally moving mountains- they may be mountains of the vindictive against him… or those for him… I’ll stop there, Proud of the Hero’s at my local eatery/The Salvation Army… and the list goes on…

People love me or hate me- its so the truth.   I’m intuitive to the point its detrimental- and the energy from that is contagious.  Sometimes that’s good and bad.  And I wouldn’t change any of it- ESPECIALLY SINCE THE BEIB’S AND NIKKI NIKKI ARE IN MY EARS!

I could not be thankful enough for my life- THAT’S IT! I am so thankful for these experiences that I might ruin it by saying that that’s what people hate about me or love- or both. 

That same song is still playing- Cheers to all my ‘baby bathtime’ comrades!  J Those were the days! I swear I should put time stamps on each paragraph! Youtube is randomly playing away, and sometimes a sentence comes at a Chaucerly pace, or sometimes in an instance… but ‘Boyfriend’ is about halfway through… the ‘I swear’ part came at the beginning…those were, still, and always will be the days! J

        

Cheers to Hump Day!

So, I was talking to a family member about my pursuits currently- next time I’ll pet my rock or something.  What’s embarrassing is how you manipulated me in college when I came home early from the beach  to take a Stats final… the aftermath will be part of my tell all book.  Both of you should be ashamed- just because I never confronted you about it doesn’t mean I’m weak.  It kinda means I’m ‘who I’ve always been’- I’m kind enough to prevent you from lying but an asshole for making that assumption.  Hey, I believe what Terrence said on Harry. 

I have many Greats in my life- the various employers, supervisors, professors, parentals, etc.  Odds are you know who you are cause I’ve told you-  510.753.4546.  If any of you are ashamed of me or embarrassed by me (or would be) let me know. 

Back to me being an asshole- I had no idea Kim K W was tied up and bound when all that took PLACE! Ew and what kind of DNA was found on her, and I pray she recovers.  I made comments about how it wasn’t her jewelry anyways probably and it was more about her credibility for future ‘borrowing.’  I dunno if I’m telling a secret or not- but Oprah is naturally the only one on any type of surface in Hollywood that owns the diamonds she wears.  I mean, you can only own so much of whatever diversifies your portfolio- and gold is malleable! Once so broke she had a rock for a pet, now… HA!  But seriously, I can’t believe I was making jokes and I hope that she has someone in her life to ask the difficult question ‘Are you thinking of hurting yourself?’ and then asking again and again as it feels necessary. 

I am blessed to have such a person in my life- she had the courage to call me and tell me that she felt the need to ask but didn’t and was sorry… then, asked in all seriousness ‘Are you suicidal?’  This was when my ‘guard’ was still at 95% or so.  Time has created distance between me and a lot of my ‘everything.’  I had the same phone number for literally 10 years- maybe 12.  2052539688 is hopefully still able to be reactivated.  I was mugged by two “race doesn’t matter and it pisses me off that anyone who has made the assumption has been correct” guys in Hancock Park in LA when I moved back last year.  This was after breaking my iphone on move day and having to get a replacement through insurance.  I was walking- with most of my things- literally a ‘checked’ size suitcase, two messenger bags, etc.  I was looking at my phone when I noticed a guy crossing the street ahead of me- me being me I tracked him/focused on him concerned for his well-being as he was literally walking out in the middle of the road.  It was late so there wasn’t anyone else around- until I heard a noise to my right/the opposite side to where he was walking… turning to face the noise meant meeting a fist to my face/right eye straight on.  Like a ‘cowered’ one might say, I was literally trying to hand them my things- then they started kicking me and I feared that them each having one of my messenger bags and pulling them with the straps still around my neck in opposite directions may behead me… I grabbed one of the bag straps with my left hand, pulled as hard as I could and hit the oncoming person as hard as I could with my right hand.  It happened so fast I couldn’t close my hand into a fist- sadly I think this led to an eye injury for him.  And I do mean sadly- I’m not a cowered- I just know that nothing in that situation came before our safety.  I don’t know what their situation was nor do they mine.  I am not one to fight back and get stabbed or shot potentially- not only would that injure me but the one robbing me is someone’s son, father, husband, baby daddy, pimp-  whatever it is my intention was to not only walk away unharmed but for them to do the same.  If he did receive an eye injury then I owe him an apology- as much as they got (even more then the car thieves did) it was not worth a faggot slapping him or clawing his eye out.  Those would be his probable words, not mine.  I won’t use nasty adjectives that became such by evil and hate.  OK OK the ‘N’ word.  I’m gay, faggot is one of those used to describe me sometimes therefore I used it.  They were African American, or American and black or whatever  Raven S would rather be identified as these days- and male.  My biggest regret is that since they ‘got everything’- my ipad, passport, checks, luggage, id badges from previous contracts, my health records, hard copies and originals of basically everything- shoes, nanos, my yellow CF Hollywood shirt, and yes- my iphone was unlocked: att gave me a hard time about filing a new insurance claim since I had just done so and since then its been one thing after another.  And since then I haven’t had an iphone- and its been the biggest deal!  To have a device that fits me, in the way an iphone does, making me a better person in I dare say every aspect… photos, calendar, email, productivity, think about it- everyway!   Additionally, they got my white macbook- the one my boyfriend and I went to the apple store together and purchased- it was back to school, I was about to start nursing school… and had wanted one for years.  I worked and worked and saved… this was a huge achievement for me personally.   I worked part time in addition to school full time as a norm- to come up with $999 extra took months.  That year our colleges had spring break the same week, it had never happened in the past two years of our relationship- and in prep for nursing school in the fall and being the dedicated pre-nursing student apple user that I was meant we didn’t get to spend it together at the beach or lake fucking and drinking like we both wanted.  He even picked up the difference for the tax I had to pay on the free ipod touch I got with my purchase… pardon me while I go pee and wipe my eyes.

Now to return a phone call- omg

Cheers to 2017! I got arrested for trespassing! Gah! I guess you can’t just sleep anywhere these days- I mean to be so picky  about where the public sidewalk begins and where a particular piece of private property ends is a little annoying.  I had to go to jail and was luckily released the next day after being processed and dressing out.  The particular floor or location I was sent to had been rowdy the days before I go there so I didn’t get to shower.  I mean what the hell! I was livid- how is it that I get arrested, have multiple officers throughout the process make fun of me for not smelling so hot, then not let me shower.  It was almost to the point of being intentional.  I mean if they arrested me instead of just giving me a warning in order for me to have a safe warm place to sleep then I am thankful for the concern and caring- also I think I had slept there before and was told not to.  I mean it’s not everyday that it gets as cold as it was that night. Now I have to go to court in March.  This is getting so old- I’ve got to get back to LA.  I got some Christmas money but wasn’t able to use it to get to LA because I was so sick I couldn’t even stand up.  I don’t know what happened.  It was like I was throwing up every hour for 24 hours.  Ugh.  I’m sitting here complaining about nonesense compared to what I could be going through.  

gofundme

gofundme.com/zp-cause-my-whole-life-was-stolen 

An email that went a lil something like this...

I'm so sad- now both nursing licenses are inactive. I worked so hard and saved so many lives and taught so many.  I'm so sad. Two suicide attempts going- I won't make a third I hope.  I keep trying to figure out what I've done or who I pissed off. I was diagnosed with HIV three years ago.  Mom and work completely dropped me. I mean completely- people wonder why I'm still trying to pick up the pieces... Cause on top of those things happening I was already on a frail rope.  I want death before I want to be homeless anymore- God has always answered my prayers.  So one or the other will come- and I'm happy with either.  But don't ever lie to yourself or tarnish my name- I wanted to be there for everything I've missed and I am a good person. 

Loves,

Josh. 

The most 'seen through' and bullshit reasons to not help is to call them a drug abuser, label them with some sort of mental illness, or atttack them morally.  Your colleagues, peers, and others know what you're doing- unless they are wholehearted then they are guilty of lying to themselves also.