Gratitude.. . .

Omg- I’ve got to tell Barbra Streisand that her clone dog being raised by its original may be like back to the future and if you run into your history self and your future self you trip...

I was wondering where the term bully came from all of a sudden.  Like, there aren’t any real change makers associated with that term.  It’s not going to get the ‘inclusion or exclusion’ sign from over the door so that everyone may walk in equally, it’s not going to make it so that two souls can join as one here on Earth as they do in Heaven where they have no gender, it didn’t bring up the issue that over half the people ‘doing time’ in our country weren’t mirandized... it’s almost like one of those terms I hate and make it seem I’m not only a victim, but I’m letting you know that i know that I am a victim and that there is an injustice being done or occurring or whatever.  Did you know, I dunno if it was edited or not... but the Miranda is actually a case law... from oh wait... when someone was in handcuffs and shouldn’t have been... like a here, lemmme put these on you for a min and have a seat over here.  Like then, ok bye... see you next time Mr. Miranda. No arrest made. Well they can’t do that... and i don’t even know how to explain it in such a way other then to just still be trying to go to law school or whatever and the gov agency that’s supposed to be helping me is still debating over me and wether or not my having vision in one eye and being blind in the other puts me into the the regular people category or the persons with disabled category... like, I’ve missed another deadline!  So I’m shooting for spring now- said with a hint of optimism, a twinkle of hope, and a prayer that parts of our government aren’t still shut down... cause it’s grant writing season and all these federal funds are dry and not yet being replaced and it just makes me a little concerned.  Point is the term bully and those scenarios and situations will cause some people to personalize some things in their lives and they may straight up punch somebody in their face... but other then that it doesn’t really do much but give someone the opportunity to aw, po thang you a few times, pat your head, pass you a juice box, and give you a safe space or place to nap. As an adult that’s what I still need but, what happened to those terms like libel, slander, defamation of character... oh shit, you throw around terms like that... all of a sudden people looking at you out that wonk eye spot like, who you been talking to about my behavior and how much we talking here and uh huh... I think your accident proneness just went up by 400%.  And who the hell, what the hell... and what’s said is that may not even change all that behavior or may make it worse like... oh you want something to libel about, well here’s something to libel about! Omg, I do hope that term ‘beat like a three year old at k-mart has faded out.’  That’s what, taking away privileges looked like and still does for a lot of us even at the dirty thirties or whoever the hell it is... it’s like there is so much that goes into things and no I don’t want to talk about it.  There is no reason that me saying something about an injustice or wrong that’s occurring right now, would be weighted differently by me telling you how a culmination of those events in a different place, in a different time caused trauma that’s affecting me now.   Instead, somehow now everything is different. And you feel bad and... just a bunch of senseless drama brought on to try to get me out of my house or whatever... here how mental illness works.  So far what we know is it’s progressive.  Like, it doesn’t get better or go away.  I’m saying for me once I work on righting wrongs, making sure the world is going to be a better place, and have some time to process and  sleep. Like, now I have my issues w my family, it started off them wanting to ‘take back’ everything they had given me, my education, my credit, my iPad- which bitch I paid for, technically with the education that no you didn’t give me but yes financially supported, to nowwww the bitch called and is trying to see how much my old apartment with my bro-mate would rent for if it was hypothetically on the market? Excuse me? So now you’ve gone from not only taking back what all you gave me to now wanting to be me or have what was mine. Oh girl.   For you so far it looks like this will be progressive.  Like, I don’t have depression from anxiety... I have chronic anxiety. Like, give me some coin, give me some adequacy and I’ll show you how I do.  But I’m trying to get my shit together and life back with $221 a month? And then $197 for food?   Are you serious.  That is $6 a day for fold which is literally 8, 8 oz glasses of water from the corner store. It costs more to provide people with clean water then it does Coke or Pepsi, et al. 

It’s just frustrating that even with me doing everything perfectly per the algorithm and how to work the credit score game... my score will never be what it was... ever.   It will never be equal to or higher then what it was at its highest.  Ever.  And I don’t like that and it’s a generational thing cause I think I come out yeah a little bruised from not paying my phone bill on time but damn, you don’t have to do me like that and remember it forever do you? Yep.  Currently.  But I feel it should be omg, all that happened to you and you’re here even complaining about how the water wasn’t warm at the free showers in those horse trailers of a pull behind thing in a big city.... I admire that. Like, I’m not going to allow this to hold me back in my way of thinking or mental state... I wish that was enough.  I wish that would create all these changes and growth and then I could just keep moving forward.   Instead, it’s the other way around... that is like a dump in. The road and I’m a toddler with my big wheel and I’m just trying and trying and trying... and the woe is me’s think I’m just so cute.... oh look he thinks he’s gonna get over it this time, op op op almost... oh, go ahead, dust yourself off... here.... he’s some whole grain... now, don’t be a burden to society... go go, try again... op op op, aw almost... (hey if nothing else I feel better about myself with I drive by the court house and see all those ‘not me’s’ standing outside, and look at how entertaining it is to see him almost get over that hump every time! It’s like, we all know- since we in the know that he’s never going to be able to get over the hump- with that circumference of the wheel, available power from his little toddler legs, angle/slope of the hump and saturation of his diaper, and friction from the carpet the jump is on... like physics-Ly ain’t now way... one generation will be like ohhhhhh, when the younger in between one goes and grabs toddler to do something different more successful, and not so degrading... so... all that good front he in between generation is what the toddler with be gifted from the situation.  So when he sees someone in that situation it’ll be ohh... that’s it! Cause grandma can do bad all by herself... but I can not even do good sometimes knowing that something bad is going on like that... it’s stupid though right.  I’m not complaining about what’s available to help, I’m only saying it’s not enough, I’m tired of like those people to help me with school... instead of telling me what’s up... they just hoping I give up and go away.   That way I’m not on there books at tax audit time or whatever, they didn’t have to actual tell me what was going on and be that person, and... no, I’m not going to figure it out eventually.  Just like she’s thing to move into our old apartment that’s originally his, she’s trying to make go back to the streets by paying people to break my god damn charger, only to then send me some in amazon so there is more and more reason for me to take myself out of this situation which means going back to the streets or whatever... cause I was gonna do it at 5, why not now... and wouldn’t that be a sight... to be drinking my coffeee, where josh and his dear friend once lived a life that I can’t imagine and will never know...but oh look, there goes josh again, limping, looking said, and I’m looking at my apartment like it’s bringing life back to his eyes by he’s thinking of how safe he felt... oh hell, no. He’s looking at my apartment or in this vicinity too long... he must be casing it... good thing I have two phones and a voice activated compute... bitch unlike that lil toddler I got a post on a community slander page alerting people to where he at, 911 on phone 1 has me on hold- Siri set a reminder to, and then 911 on the other phone talking about this harm to society looking through myy windows at me in my bath robe and...yes, please send officers immediately... well. And now Siri reminding me to sue over the mental stress of 911 on phone 1 even though luckily it’s a diff area code so hunny I got sheriffs and LAPD, and omg the helicopter is just causing so much stress and...... oh woe is me.  And now at my ladies who lunch luncheon tomorrow I have to tell all my friends about this and... I don’t know why josh has to do this to me, and why he can’t just move forward, I have to tell them cause that’s what’s gone on recently... Nevermind I won the lottery and got a new Bentley, and cured cancer....  this was all just so much I must get it off my chest and they’ll know what to say to support me through this difficult time cause now I won’t get the high of seeing him tragic anymore cause opps I did mention that he was armed but woe is me I was mistaken, but now he’s in jail and will be for a bit while he fight his case and add charges, and I’ll just have to put money on his books and oh I’ll have to go online and dig through and find my... and then what if... you know I have work to do... and think... this is just 2 hours In an a Day of a life of me that’s now 32 years old. What? Like it’s hard? And when I say WTF- I don’t mean it in a neg bad way... I mean it like. Usually there is an ughhh, fuck, my life... like... looking at it in a fuck, my life... is awesome, is full of sex, is full filling, is a whole life.   Vs or v Fuck My Life in a giving up kind of way in which those that say they know me but don’t, have misconscrewed me and my shit.  When I cross the street and wave I’m not trying to stop and already stopped car with a Palm and five fingers like some... I’m just in my awkward way, acknowledging that I know you and I both know that if I wasn’t in your way you could have done one of those rolling through right turns and made it ahead of all these cars that you must watch pass you as this clown is telling me to stop... like I’m already stopped you bitch.  Here, you can have a startling honk. Honk! Don’t let this Happen again or I’m pulling the blind spot card. Ugh, aw look- he’s actually acknowledging that even though it’s the law i still stopped and now he’s crossing safely to go to the library to try and get his shit together so he can finally tell his friend that he’s never going to... and aw, see how much bette to feel just by my efforts of being a cool person were acknowledged and now at least this way I can puff puff pass w myself... cause... see...