Gratitude.. . .

Omg- I’ve got to tell Barbra Streisand that her clone dog being raised by its original may be like back to the future and if you run into your history self and your future self you trip...

I was wondering where the term bully came from all of a sudden.  Like, there aren’t any real change makers associated with that term.  It’s not going to get the ‘inclusion or exclusion’ sign from over the door so that everyone may walk in equally, it’s not going to make it so that two souls can join as one here on Earth as they do in Heaven where they have no gender, it didn’t bring up the issue that over half the people ‘doing time’ in our country weren’t mirandized... it’s almost like one of those terms I hate and make it seem I’m not only a victim, but I’m letting you know that i know that I am a victim and that there is an injustice being done or occurring or whatever.  Did you know, I dunno if it was edited or not... but the Miranda is actually a case law... from oh wait... when someone was in handcuffs and shouldn’t have been... like a here, lemmme put these on you for a min and have a seat over here.  Like then, ok bye... see you next time Mr. Miranda. No arrest made. Well they can’t do that... and i don’t even know how to explain it in such a way other then to just still be trying to go to law school or whatever and the gov agency that’s supposed to be helping me is still debating over me and wether or not my having vision in one eye and being blind in the other puts me into the the regular people category or the persons with disabled category... like, I’ve missed another deadline!  So I’m shooting for spring now- said with a hint of optimism, a twinkle of hope, and a prayer that parts of our government aren’t still shut down... cause it’s grant writing season and all these federal funds are dry and not yet being replaced and it just makes me a little concerned.  Point is the term bully and those scenarios and situations will cause some people to personalize some things in their lives and they may straight up punch somebody in their face... but other then that it doesn’t really do much but give someone the opportunity to aw, po thang you a few times, pat your head, pass you a juice box, and give you a safe space or place to nap. As an adult that’s what I still need but, what happened to those terms like libel, slander, defamation of character... oh shit, you throw around terms like that... all of a sudden people looking at you out that wonk eye spot like, who you been talking to about my behavior and how much we talking here and uh huh... I think your accident proneness just went up by 400%.  And who the hell, what the hell... and what’s said is that may not even change all that behavior or may make it worse like... oh you want something to libel about, well here’s something to libel about! Omg, I do hope that term ‘beat like a three year old at k-mart has faded out.’  That’s what, taking away privileges looked like and still does for a lot of us even at the dirty thirties or whoever the hell it is... it’s like there is so much that goes into things and no I don’t want to talk about it.  There is no reason that me saying something about an injustice or wrong that’s occurring right now, would be weighted differently by me telling you how a culmination of those events in a different place, in a different time caused trauma that’s affecting me now.   Instead, somehow now everything is different. And you feel bad and... just a bunch of senseless drama brought on to try to get me out of my house or whatever... here how mental illness works.  So far what we know is it’s progressive.  Like, it doesn’t get better or go away.  I’m saying for me once I work on righting wrongs, making sure the world is going to be a better place, and have some time to process and  sleep. Like, now I have my issues w my family, it started off them wanting to ‘take back’ everything they had given me, my education, my credit, my iPad- which bitch I paid for, technically with the education that no you didn’t give me but yes financially supported, to nowwww the bitch called and is trying to see how much my old apartment with my bro-mate would rent for if it was hypothetically on the market? Excuse me? So now you’ve gone from not only taking back what all you gave me to now wanting to be me or have what was mine. Oh girl.   For you so far it looks like this will be progressive.  Like, I don’t have depression from anxiety... I have chronic anxiety. Like, give me some coin, give me some adequacy and I’ll show you how I do.  But I’m trying to get my shit together and life back with $221 a month? And then $197 for food?   Are you serious.  That is $6 a day for fold which is literally 8, 8 oz glasses of water from the corner store. It costs more to provide people with clean water then it does Coke or Pepsi, et al. 

It’s just frustrating that even with me doing everything perfectly per the algorithm and how to work the credit score game... my score will never be what it was... ever.   It will never be equal to or higher then what it was at its highest.  Ever.  And I don’t like that and it’s a generational thing cause I think I come out yeah a little bruised from not paying my phone bill on time but damn, you don’t have to do me like that and remember it forever do you? Yep.  Currently.  But I feel it should be omg, all that happened to you and you’re here even complaining about how the water wasn’t warm at the free showers in those horse trailers of a pull behind thing in a big city.... I admire that. Like, I’m not going to allow this to hold me back in my way of thinking or mental state... I wish that was enough.  I wish that would create all these changes and growth and then I could just keep moving forward.   Instead, it’s the other way around... that is like a dump in. The road and I’m a toddler with my big wheel and I’m just trying and trying and trying... and the woe is me’s think I’m just so cute.... oh look he thinks he’s gonna get over it this time, op op op almost... oh, go ahead, dust yourself off... here.... he’s some whole grain... now, don’t be a burden to society... go go, try again... op op op, aw almost... (hey if nothing else I feel better about myself with I drive by the court house and see all those ‘not me’s’ standing outside, and look at how entertaining it is to see him almost get over that hump every time! It’s like, we all know- since we in the know that he’s never going to be able to get over the hump- with that circumference of the wheel, available power from his little toddler legs, angle/slope of the hump and saturation of his diaper, and friction from the carpet the jump is on... like physics-Ly ain’t now way... one generation will be like ohhhhhh, when the younger in between one goes and grabs toddler to do something different more successful, and not so degrading... so... all that good front he in between generation is what the toddler with be gifted from the situation.  So when he sees someone in that situation it’ll be ohh... that’s it! Cause grandma can do bad all by herself... but I can not even do good sometimes knowing that something bad is going on like that... it’s stupid though right.  I’m not complaining about what’s available to help, I’m only saying it’s not enough, I’m tired of like those people to help me with school... instead of telling me what’s up... they just hoping I give up and go away.   That way I’m not on there books at tax audit time or whatever, they didn’t have to actual tell me what was going on and be that person, and... no, I’m not going to figure it out eventually.  Just like she’s thing to move into our old apartment that’s originally his, she’s trying to make go back to the streets by paying people to break my god damn charger, only to then send me some in amazon so there is more and more reason for me to take myself out of this situation which means going back to the streets or whatever... cause I was gonna do it at 5, why not now... and wouldn’t that be a sight... to be drinking my coffeee, where josh and his dear friend once lived a life that I can’t imagine and will never know...but oh look, there goes josh again, limping, looking said, and I’m looking at my apartment like it’s bringing life back to his eyes by he’s thinking of how safe he felt... oh hell, no. He’s looking at my apartment or in this vicinity too long... he must be casing it... good thing I have two phones and a voice activated compute... bitch unlike that lil toddler I got a post on a community slander page alerting people to where he at, 911 on phone 1 has me on hold- Siri set a reminder to, and then 911 on the other phone talking about this harm to society looking through myy windows at me in my bath robe and...yes, please send officers immediately... well. And now Siri reminding me to sue over the mental stress of 911 on phone 1 even though luckily it’s a diff area code so hunny I got sheriffs and LAPD, and omg the helicopter is just causing so much stress and...... oh woe is me.  And now at my ladies who lunch luncheon tomorrow I have to tell all my friends about this and... I don’t know why josh has to do this to me, and why he can’t just move forward, I have to tell them cause that’s what’s gone on recently... Nevermind I won the lottery and got a new Bentley, and cured cancer....  this was all just so much I must get it off my chest and they’ll know what to say to support me through this difficult time cause now I won’t get the high of seeing him tragic anymore cause opps I did mention that he was armed but woe is me I was mistaken, but now he’s in jail and will be for a bit while he fight his case and add charges, and I’ll just have to put money on his books and oh I’ll have to go online and dig through and find my... and then what if... you know I have work to do... and think... this is just 2 hours In an a Day of a life of me that’s now 32 years old. What? Like it’s hard? And when I say WTF- I don’t mean it in a neg bad way... I mean it like. Usually there is an ughhh, fuck, my life... like... looking at it in a fuck, my life... is awesome, is full of sex, is full filling, is a whole life.   Vs or v Fuck My Life in a giving up kind of way in which those that say they know me but don’t, have misconscrewed me and my shit.  When I cross the street and wave I’m not trying to stop and already stopped car with a Palm and five fingers like some... I’m just in my awkward way, acknowledging that I know you and I both know that if I wasn’t in your way you could have done one of those rolling through right turns and made it ahead of all these cars that you must watch pass you as this clown is telling me to stop... like I’m already stopped you bitch.  Here, you can have a startling honk. Honk! Don’t let this Happen again or I’m pulling the blind spot card. Ugh, aw look- he’s actually acknowledging that even though it’s the law i still stopped and now he’s crossing safely to go to the library to try and get his shit together so he can finally tell his friend that he’s never going to... and aw, see how much bette to feel just by my efforts of being a cool person were acknowledged and now at least this way I can puff puff pass w myself... cause... see... 

Monday! Thanks again!

I love you- I hope you’re ok.

Ugh I don’t want to say it... but I have to.  I was pondering w a homie who said- ‘dude, people are crazy... my dad had my brother beat down the other day... like, there is such thing as elder abuse... but does child abuse or neglect have an age limit?’  I was like I dunno.  I mean, they have it all wrong.  A child’s love for their parents I think is unconditional.  But, a parent will fuck a child up for the fun of it and then complain about having to do it for they own good.  

Like I’m not trying to say I’m a saint cause clearly... but I literally can’t do bad.  Like even if I wanted to have sex for money or do something like for money I couldn’t. I’d be the one the bought one a car for like $30k or whatever the threshold is and pay it off in 90 days or less cause I’m a boss and I want the maintain my credit and so... well guess what... doing so gets to ass investigated by the FBI- like mando.  Have I already posted about this? If so boom, just hitting you with it again cause they don’t have to let you know they are investigating you and when they do, it’s Facebook, email, photos in your icloud matched through facial recognition to see your connections and affiliations and if your photos connect anyone to anyone so through your business they connect others.  And we’re talking about they don’t let you know and this led to a pigeon telling on the ass also. I mean was it a pigeon w a microphone or was it a drone pigeon who knows cause this shit does not make it to a court room. Like girl- they don’t want this shit out in the open... having to have the evidence validity or legalness argued in court room would be a blessing. But, they threaten and deal with you and it’s not fair. Hey, you tell on three you get out free.... like that’s not fair. Because I don’t know for sure but I do know that in the movies that’s all bad.  Like you don’t do it cause you just don’t.... am I right? Bros before hos. It’s crazy. Like it puts people at risk... and odds are isn’t legal anyways.  Like the way they collect the evidence. Ugh. I know they just got done with all the stuff... but you know once a phone line is tapped it’s tapped. They don’t really untap it. Well fuck is this the same way- once you pay your car off early they investigate and don’t stop. Ew. Oh wait I forgot I don’t even know they are investigating me.  Ha.  Well wonderful.  It’s just crazy. All this money and I wrote the one about credit. I know I said I’d post it- it’s written but I get scared.  Like I saw a shit ton of protests going on and I’m so thankful that people are doing what makes America, the great country it is.  I wish everyone would union up also. The power company is the strongest union in the world. 

I think the water is safe to drink from the tap until I think of people on chemo therapy as I’m sure water treatment places are able to handle it but I do know that things may not be what they seem and also I dunno if it’s tested for traces of at the tap.  

Conservatives are more violent.  As a population a liberal and conservative will argue a topic... and regardless the winner a conservative is more likely to get violent then the liberal... always. Like a liberal can ‘lose’ an argument with the mindset... ‘You can’t argue with a fool’ but either the conservative will sense your inner ‘we both know who really won this debate  right’ or will just want to finalize the deal or whatever... but a conservative is more likely to still hit even another conservative. Then it’s like fight night. 

So credit one... two people not married but together.... they know and your score and creditability are lowered because... wtf? Indecisive, scared of commitment, why not you get a deduction? Ten points lower for each unanswered or weird ass thing like not wanting the deduction. Sorry Goldie and Kurt.  Someone like the Clintons. Married but possibly separated not only maybe had the circumstance happened that’s only happened one other time in the history.... but also why didn’t you pull a Florida and why are you frauding the government? Decreased creditability but deduction and still lowered score. Single:.. wtf if wrong? Your shit stink or something cause why you not married? 

Im not scared to post the ones I’ve written... cause they funny but at the cost of not getting my message across he’s the neutral, there’s some shit going on that ought not be and....

No one cares about the stock market.  It’s like fake- how many American’s own stock vs those that don’t and 401k’s don’t count.  I mean like a portfolio- I hope it’s diversified if you do have though!  I’ve wanted stock from Santa since I was knee high to a duck... and still in my life even as an adult haven’t had time or the umph or the trust to figure out how it all works, where to go what’s fair market value to pay... and I mean that’s money and I e never really had any disposable that I’d be ok with putting in there only to have it be a big savings account for the states and then make interest off it, and that’s it. 

My computer tried to act up again- luckily the person trying to tamper with my shit didn’t make it happen... I got nervous and cussed some and the timewheel of death started (the mouse) and yet somehow I made it happen.  Yay! 

Happen Monday.  Thanks again to the ones that saved lives over the weekend. The 80’s one was 6.9... this was a 7.1.  And I think it was diverted as it should have been—- you know kind of guiding the wreckage toward a people free/national park.... thank you so much. I love it. I’m sure the federal funding... yes was funded by a liberal/democrat. 

Thank You...

There is much to say, but now isn’t the time... (the words of a ‘Great’- like one of the Great people of the world.. nothing to do with age...) but thank you to science and academia and even the construction worker that used 5 nails even though they know that 3 is sufficient... cause I shook enough to think I was on a ride at Disneyland.  

Here’s one more... generosity is the take home message! ;)

Back in the day I had no idea why this travel nursing gig didn’t consider the bus reliable means of transportation. I was like how the fuck is the bus not reliable means of transportation? Yeah I totally get it now! I think it’s cause cars have their own lanes and don’t think buses should exist.  So it makes it hard.   Plus like with me.... people do all sorts of out of the ordinary stuff it feels like and that yes, can affect the whole city. 

I am so thankful to Mayor Garcetti for his interview today about homelessness. It is not a California problem- it is a national problem that revolves around hate and trauma. It takes a lot to stand up for a population who have been considered by ignorant people to be criminals, addicts, lazy.... and probably about every other negative term in the universal language that applies judgement. Thank you.  People come here sometimes simply because their home state supports such hate and judgement. Its weird to think of a Mayor as a lifesaver- but taking a stand like he is as well as he said Chicago and New York’s mayor are is a tear jerker for me. Thanking my High Power for Democrats! 

Some people don’t have drivers licenses... so the scooter thing is very dangerous.  Like, I mean that’s my take on it.  I hate that people are getting hurt simply because they literally don’t know right of way.  If they did I’m sure it wouldn’t be such an issue with them.  I mean if you’re scared to ride them on the street then I get it... but it’s hard to walk on the side walk sometimes and I’m not gonna lie... I’m not trying to be rude.... but at least If I’m late the scooter is a great option.  But I don’t think the right of way thing is something that’s thought of that often... and I mean if you’re 50 and want a drivers license do I have to have a permit for a year.   I would think duh... but I dunno.  Yes, I could very well look that up online.... but I don’t trust what I read on my phone online... not that the internet isn’t a great place.... I hope this was literally to show what a fucking nightmare things could be like if the internet isn’t seen as a... like we have water, electricity, power, and internet is now one of those..,, internet, and data on your phone to me are the same thing... but I don’t think they are considered the same at all.  And further more... policing the internet isn’t the feds on Facebook.... it’s making sure that when a security person at target sees someone enter there password in whatever way, I’m thinking through video monitoring or surveillance (and if there is a difference i can’t believe it’s be argued over the point that if your password is seen on a security cam then artificial intelligence/actual intelligence, I think can make that person aware that their password has been compromised.  Like I’ve made AI seem bad.  But it’s not, it’s people.  I bet all the stuff that’s been done to me has been by people vs actual intelligence/AI. It’s not the AI (this is why states now are capitals on the address label for an envelope... cause the capital I looks like a lower case l and can be confused.  This is exhausting. I hope the... it’s not the sanitation department, it’s Cal Trans right that cleans all that up? Or is that for the interstates and freeways? I’d look it up but I rather maybe people compare answers.  Like look up online where you are or how you normally would and see if the they’re different? Seeeeee AI will keep shit like it is  and either validate what I’m saying or will... either way if someone tried to pamper with the situation it’ll know or keep a paper trail. as I’m writing this someone could be writing code to change if things are filtered or not.  I dunno. But I looked up so many times things sometimes only to later find out I was wrong... I just think about things and if someone says something about someone else I did look that up and it did say verify what someone said... about someone else’s gender identity and literally that’s how bad some people wanted to make me look... like a total asshole and I am so sorry... i take that very seriously cause I am all about someone being who they are but I am not ok with whom ever or who ever decided to pick a certain celebrity and then use them as ammunition in this character assassination of me (and that celebrity... two birds with one stone?... ugh is hope not) I’m sorry to ruin things.... I have no idea who or what I’m From or linked to... someone I know can attest that I ruined Facebook.  All because someone used me as a means to make it so they could see my shit without me knowing but who didn’t have a college ID for their own profile.  Yes, I’m glad it is the way it is... but at the same time... it totally went from legit knowing who you were talking to and if they wanted to hang out or be friends or whatever... a way of building friends and a life in college away from everything you know to having to delete 2 billion profiles so far.  That’s crazy... fake accounts. I mean- it’s a mess.  Like even now... the distraction of someone messaging me while I’m trying to validate myself... and again pretending as though they are my other half or my best friend.  Like someone posted a pic of him handcuffed to a lounge chair at the bottom of a pool. Like, the threats or the realness of the messages I’m getting are enough to where I don’t play.  I had a nightmare of a day dream that was literally a group of people or person torturing my friend/person, he had whip marks and was bloody all over, with someone holding his dick down their throat which they had cut off... a selfie of sorts.  Can you imagine how I feel when I know stuff like that happens in the world... and was it a threat? Or a warning or a... I dunno.  But it was like enough to make me decide that this is it... it stops with me.... I swear I hope I’m the last person to go through this type of mean hateful stuff... because as real as i hope( and yes, pray to my higher power and the universe and my positive influential people that aren’t on this earth anymore) all of this isn’t... I am not playing with the fact that Emily Smart was held 6 mIles from her house!!! And walked around and.... was technically kidnapped!   Like- true story or that’s what I have read and checked out again a few times only to realize that the numbers may be off but the story was and is real.  I’m sorry for putting that person on blast but it’s a recent example I can think of.  This is not a reason to shelter or be afraid but it is to me a reason or an example that has a reason to take someone seriously when they are talking, I get that people lie... but in San Jose I literally told every person of like... say a healthcare professional, or a caseworker, or the person at a non profit, or like the people at the re-entry center there after I got out of jail the second time (the first time I didn’t know it existed)... none of them believed me or even offered help to get me out of a situation that was unsafe or that I felt was unsafe/threatening/I dunno.  I was a mess.   And don’t play like I’m not fully aware I could have been somewhere else other then San Jose.... cause yes I took philosophy and thank God I hated it enough to pay attention.  Just because there is a door doesn’t mean that it’s a door or that there is something on the other side of it.  Weird? No... it’s abstract and make me someone who just because the sign or phone says 7:54pm or right turn only... doesn’t mean that if I am driving I’m. It going to make sure that I can actually do so... people steal and move street signs thinking it’s funny when really it’s illegal and has killed people. Like- that’s not really the same thing... but kind of.  

I hope that I didn’t make it so porn left SoCal... it happened right when I moved here.  Also- if there aren’t like 75% of registered voters that voted for that... it’s funny that governments would allow something like that when they actually require such for spending federal money.  Which I’m glad they do... like for some meeting a certain number or percentage must be present for the meeting to take place... does that happen with voting? I’m not sure... but if some people very high up didn’t know that what I said about Democrats and Republicans was true... then that’s how amazing public schools can be... just saying.   And people being genuine and legit educators.  They weren’t teachers to me.  They were and are educators. They educated me to be able to pass the high school graduation exam as well as live life... and that we should wear deodorant and who else but  teacher... educator gonna know your kiddo smells... you’re at work and then they go home and play... and yeah, it was like at someone in health or whatever that they said alright you guys ask your... this was back in the day I think this one teacher gave out deodorant to her students.   Parents don’t realize or maybe they do or... maybe they haven’t or don’t notice... but yeah.   If a Democrat is in office look at what good is done and how much like for instance the people who didn’t have insurance still went to the ER’s and were seen... a Democrat made it so that they could have an option besides the ER and also that the hospital wouldn’t eat that cost or whatever.  Like, duh.  Education was supported.  Republicans clearly don’t support that... not to say the First Lady wasn’t part of the teachers strike... but like where is the support and dollars for people and colleges and also.... I have t heard a word from that with republicans as long as I’ve been alive.  Yes, President Bush made it so hospitals couldn’t turn away patients at the door... because yes people. At one time you could go to a hospital bleeding and be turned away if you didn’t have insurance.   But also while he was in office all the medical research dollars stopped as well as limited what research they were doing out of pocket.  Like, that’s why something’s were made an issue specifically.. because it was like...who really.   Yep.  I’m hating on this administration not really... but to say some men (so far) have lived worked and breathed or breezed their whole life’s in politics and still don’t know what they’ve gotten themselves into probably won’t be admitted but maybe.... look at the stimulus package we got from the democrats... President Obama, thank you- but if you were claimed as a defendant as I was At the time you didn’t get it... but at least a lot of people did.  I have never heard a republican mention a tax stimulus check... however I heard they are forgiving billions in IRS owed money... is that to like you and me... or to... like businesses, etc.? Cause some of this rich white people don’t have a business and don’t have anything to be forgiven and let me tell you how happy they’ll be about that....  ok, I’ve now posted three in one day. Geez.  All of which are things I’m happy with hoping they weren’t changed or somehow altered. If it’s not happening now, that’s how crafty a written program or whatever can be... it’s like on the matrix... the orgasm caused by the desert... very specific and purposeful for that lady specifically and not anyone else.  If you’re watching or looking it might not be making my difficulties even getting the shit on to a document but I’m not ‘grounded’ currently am I?  Like... I’m not smart, but I do have a way of... pissing people off.  And me putting two and two together to be five in that way as in this and that and the whatever detail no body but like two people in the world are aware of... would equal 5. Then yes, I do do that.... they figured out how to read brain waves when I would look at the people who raised me as a child and be thinking something smart but not saying something smart cause eventually I’d still get popped for the thought. But hey, that was stopped pretty quickly and don’t think she won’t handle your ass from heaven... that’s all I’m saying.  I’m on a path that has reached an unsafe... like for real unsafe time (or at least I feel that way... and if I feel that way... so do the people that love me in heaven...) and I hope you get what I mean by.... all of that in the most respectful manner possible. She had a silencer to eh?  Yeah... I dunno.   The method may have been extreme or whatever... but the message was valid and true and correct and right.   Am I right?

I’m sorry gentrification sucks and could affect the whole worlds economy or contribute to homelessness. It’s not something I was aware existed but now that I know... omg, it’s been happening since forever.  It wasn’t until people try to cause it that it’s a huge issue.  I’m not getting a kick back or money for it...if anything it’s been a challenge only because I see that people may not wanna move... may like everything but the difference in one area to another... such as are sports offered at each school the same? Or are they different? Extracurriculars. Parks. Sidewalks.  Shrubbery. Trees.  Oh please it’s all desert and I’m so glade city... West Hollywood has those smart bus stops... I dunno if metro decides or the city or whatever the stop is in... but I think upgrades are available... either way... I thought everything was equal and everyone went to college and those that ended up in jail did so because.... I don’t think it existed to be honest... like I thought it was a thing I was told to scare me. Like if you do this you’ll.... like a way of making us do right... but that it never go to the extreme of actually jails and prisons.  Boy was I wrong.  I went to detention once and was like ohhh no.  Then got suspended for drinking on a school trip which had been swapped out for something besides alcohol but nevertheless that was enough for me. After that I just was like... ugh this sucks.  And straightened up- but all that I did in a way of having fun... not because I had to.  That’s my struggle. Some people live a certain way only because they have to... or it’s what the norm is...  some people tell themselves it isn’t ever going to be an option for them... or that those things like graduating high school and then going to college... much like I thought prisons and jails were fake I think some people think that about college, and other things...or they just don’t have a leader that makes them believe differently.  An educator will believe in them but the dollars and cents doesn’t even come their way sometimes so... I’m glad something as made up and fake as money makes such a difference in the world.  Like, the only reason it has worth is because we say it does.   Money is... just make it rain sir... like making it rain is like where you’re at a strip club or a birthday party or someone’s.... and you hold money up (bills, not coins though at one point may have been what it meant if the saying is that old....) and like drop it like confetti.  That’s making it rain.... that’s what should happen... not deporting people who may have HIV only to send it to another country with little prevalence or treatment options.   I’m not going there... but I think you get my concern.  Like, those people that had to pack up today with the clean up... we’re their medical staff or anyone there to assess if anyone needed medical care? I hope so... if not then I’m sure it’s a lack of federal funding.  As I know it probably is... ugh. So weird... like yes we in debt maybe as a nation... but what is our credit score?  Oh that’s coming next... 

Yes... twice in one day...

I’m so sick of people and their dumb sayings.... like, your past does define you... maybe I’m mistaken here but isn’t that what a credit score and background are all about?!  It doesn’t hold people back, isn’t anything you can run away from, and it can’t be changed it’s so annoying.

So did you know that a republican an office stops most medical research.  Such as yes, stem cells that my understanding of is that they can... like, grow you a new pancreas if you need it... can you imagine? Like, that’s amazing right? Well- a republican in office stops all that.  It’s like an automatic thing... I learned it in high school and people may know but also- they may flat out not know. That’s why it’s so important to know what you’re voting as well as who. If you’ve had someone die of cancer or something like that.... I’m not taking about something as extreme as cloning... which let’s face it. If other countries are doing it... which they are... or at least the research then... we’re behind.... it’s like when we were racing to the moon. I have no idea why when President Kennedy was in office it was such a big deal for us to be the first on the moon. But, now I feel like cancers and all that destruction from radiation and the fruits of war (which-lets face it.... we can’t change it... )are essentially did you know that in the south we have reptiles that give birth to live offspring. Now is that odd? Is that how it’s always been? I dunno but girl- I feel like our cancers-the bad ones are from radiation.  And I know what we tell ourselves- that people come here for us to operate on them, etc.  But I also know- Americans are ego centric.... we think everything is about us. Well- it’s not.... it’s about the world. And we’ve stopped contributing to the global research body as a whole. And imagine all that research and movement we did the last 8 years that stopped.... now all of it just has to be thrown out.  Or universities keep it or kept it going and now want to be reimbursed for it... don’t get me wrong... the national debt is a big deal to me.  But I also know... that conservative and liberal comes simply down to dollars.  Money is a made up fucking thing. Like- essentially it’s made up.  If worse comes to worse we can just split the stocks again and all will be well again... as in you have 500 shares... now all of a sudden you have 1000.  I dunno.  A family member said it happened once in her lifetime. And I’m not going to even stand by and think that we have some fantastic candidates.... but as important as the candidates are... the party is more important... Democrats are all about putting money out there and making the world better.  Republicans want to pay off a national debt which is really just.... I dunno.  Made up to me? Like- it seems? Where did that even come from?  It’s got to be fake. National debt clock or whatever.... so think of how fast that research can move with a Democrat in office... for the next 4, 8, or 16 years do it not only for your kids.... but yourself. I’m 32 and might have 60 more years to go.... I may need a new... or know someone that needs a..., the point is.... look at what come from the Obama administration.  No offense.  It sometimes gets better before it gets awful,... and what I mean by that is it’s time to stop lying to our people... as in american  government lying to its people. Democrats will make that a reality.  Essentially yes.   You’re voting for the personality.   But also.  The basic mechanisms and systems that the party that person is sided with is what really takes effect. It’s huge.  A republican will not make a person walk again after an injury.  But a Democrat will.  A republican will not make the credit system more fair or offer stimulus checks or anything.   I live in a blue state.... a Democrat state... and here- if you make less than $80,000/year you can get Aid with food and healthcare.... California is fantastic. I’m sure most blue states are.   I’d rather be blue like the ocean vs red like a volcano erupting.  When President Obama won I remember this kiddo at work standing up in his bed like cheering.  It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.   I’m not hating on President Trump... but I am hating on the Republican Party.... they want to prevent things that simply ought not be able to be prevented.  Like, medical procedures.... love.... autonomy (financial, education, etc.).... and if nothing else... think of this... private insurance basically only reimburses at what Medicare reimburses at anyways.... so no matter what.... it simply comes down to the clientele.  A surgeon this year is making less then they made last year.... doctors period. Lawyers. I dunno.   But the law does not drive our lives.... healthcare does.   Taking  care of people is what we live for- as forma or informal as that may be.   All I mean by that is if surgeons are making less... people who can say put your new pancreas into your body.... to replace a cancerous one.... are making less money.... then we have a problem.

The deportations and all... I dunno.   I know what I’m told and what I feel and something isn’t right.  Please stop talking about the election so far or so much cause God knows what may slip under the radar.  Terrifying. Democrats don’t start wars.  They stop them.  They put money out there. And create a better standard of living.

Republicans.... try to take health care away from people.... period.  Say no more.... I’ll never vote for a republican ever.   That’s that.... would you ever think a Democrat would take healthcare from someone.  No- they gave it to those that didn’t have it and also have helped fund/reimburse healthcare for its innovation.

Ok.  That’s all for now.

I love the concept of some of the things I read or see.... but the times  of laughing and acting like everything is ‘ok’ is over.

I hate being political..... but true democracy has nothing to do with political parties... it’s almost the opposite of democracy.   And you can’t say bipartisanship because that makes those insecurities glam up.... so just until they figure out what the hell to do about systems that are behind each... vote democrat.   Also- most of our troops are still serving.  So I dunno if one can actually run right now. Or maybe they know something the rest of us don’t.  If I said that your enews was selected just for you and may be totally separate from someone sitting beside you I would be right.  In Birmingham Alabama we used to have two newspapers.... a morning and an evening one.   Seriously. Now newspapers are going out of business.   It’s not cause people don’t wanna pay for news it’s cause they broke, homeless, or don’t have time to read it... Like, hypothetically.... I have a job, a husband I have to help lay an egg once a day, kids to bring up in a way that’s admirable, pray every day and night that everyone makes it back home or through the night or whatever, go to the gym for 30 minutes, go to the dentist but yet they are open 9a-5p and that’s my work day.... like how the eff am I even supposed to consider not working when I have after school care and food to put on the table and we have to have a dog which ought to be exercised and omg I just caught ‘your child’ with ‘an A in science!’ Or a penis in their mouth... the point is it’s so crucial that not only are we told the truth.... but lies that need to be corrected, corrected.    Double or nothing NYC knows the USA’s meet is cancer causing related to radiation... whereas yes- they are making it so their school lunches in public schools are vegetarian... maybe that’s how bad soy is or the lesser of
Two evils or.... I dunno.   But they say it’s because it’s healthier- in what way? I’m curious. Not to hate on them but as a meet eater is that something I need to know as an adult?  Everyone gets include, not one gets put ahead of another... and we move forward together or I hate to say it not at all.  The government shut downs are... not something that should be taken lightly.... and the fact that that’s even happening tells me that they just don’t want us to know what’s going on, or like... can you imagine other countries government shutting down.   Like, what the hell.   We look like fucking fools.    Damn.  I have friends I went to high school with that are still in uniform serving... I know they damn sure don’t think it’s funny.   Or maybe they live in a red state and that determines what news they get.  I dunno.  But our country was built on the idea of unions, and equality, and freedom to live a life as others live theirs... I’m so just honestly still shocked that I have let 5 years go by so quickly that I could cry.   But I can’t look back and I’ve been through a lot. But- once I’m able to actually accomplish something like- go to the doctor without someone knowing I’m going that doesn’t even know me.... or have a sense of security or.... I mean I literally just want to go to a bar but I’m terrified that they’ll be shut down or things will change after.  And that may be irrational to some.   But to people that know me o grave known me... if someone tired to help me in San Jose- or like go against the grain then bad stuff would start to happen to them.  It sounds awful... but it’s so true.  For example.... a store clerk letting a struggling person by a phone charger with food stamp money.... not a bad thing.   Could potentially save a life.   But then all kinds of Social (their kid getting jumped), the health dept and business licensing people finding all this stuff wrong with their establishment...all of a sudden (like on beauty shop), or just them getting anything negative other then praise for helping someone in need is what I’d want or ask for.   But- overthw last few years not what’s bappened. Imagine someone getting threatened after donating to your gofundme... or after giving you food or clothing.  This one person stopped their car, gave me a jacket because it was cold as I was sleeping on the sidewalk only to have the police pull them over a mile or so down the road and hassle them for no reason other then that.... crazy right?  Nope.  That’s what happened and might continue to happen.  Which is why I do what I feel I can do or is ok to do.... but also while having a lot of shit in the back of my mind even when I think of confronting someone who broke my iPhone charger or earbuds.   Because I don’t know even how to comprehend someone pulling my charger apart just to be mean...but it happened, twice, within two days... like what is that?  I may never know... but yes, I do feel a Democrat making life better will ease the tensions that cause those feelings to get back at or get even or to take from someone else.

They’re blocking me again or are being fooled.... I dunno.   But things circulate and get out there and around.  I just hope that one day I’ll be able to make sure that nothing like this happens to another soul or being.   Cause it sucks... I’ll be honest.  Thankfully- I was made for this.  Screenings are screenings if you’re a provider and aren’t screening people... if should be built into your co outweighed documentation system.  For you not to screen someone for testicular cancer or colon cancer at the ages or prevalence or before or when insurance will pay you to do so ought not be happening...  but they making less and might be working harder and I might not be at that age yet for any of that.... but a do some people hate the idea of Obama care.... and hopefully it’s not a provider.  But could be... just like an attorney may not like the idea of ‘financial hardship rates’ but guess what? That person/me doesn’t want to have those labels either. But, right now I do, in the past I haven’t, and in the future who knows.  But, my educated Caucasian, non Hispanic man who is gay self is not going to stand by and let others be harmed as I’ve seen.   I don’t feel bad, but I feel annoyed that I had such a misconception and so do a large portion of people I know.  A person having 100 misdemeanors is not a problem with the person... that’s a systems problem.  Period.  That’s like a kid that literally asked to be hit again and again after a parent has already hit them once or even warned them.  Like they Keep coming back for more? It’s like I’m the first person saying ‘I don’t get it...’

Monday!

I’m frustrated fool.  Let me say that I’m not even going to reach and say that all my struggles aren’t even just a... I found my self and my other half in California. I’m not saying you will also... but to my people in that little town with no traffic lights and only a four way stop sign... don’t be afraid that all the bad that I’ve gone through recently will happen to you.   Technically none of it started until people from my life in Alabama came to visit me or came to live with me. That’s crazy huh- naw fool, that’s the truth.  I think the secret is... if you move away from home... you go visit... they don’t come visit you.  I hate to say it but once I was rich and famous I was planning on moving my older relatives out here when they were at that point... through this I guess I now know who can come and who can’t! 

Girl, Iggy just asked if I could come and lay some pipe cause her shit leaking. Haha. Wow.  New favorite... 

This douche metro driver just ignored my little stop requested or acted like it was too late to stop.  I think he was thinking I didn’t pay when I got on the bus... you know just to be a great positive influence on the world. Well sir it wasn’t to late, I did pay as they have back door taps now (insert joke here), but never the less I’ll just go to my next destination and then double back to Trader Jo’s...  and then I missed the next one thinking it stopped right outside the market but alas... not so much.  I ended up in BH and since I am such a Thrifty Ice Cream fiend went to Rite Aid. It’s like- I know this sounds bad but you really don’t understand what or how much you pay in taxes until you have an ebt card. So if you get government assistance for food you don’t pay for bags is the main thing Ive noticed... but... I got a muscle milk and rockstar only to have to pay $0.10 out of pocket for some kind of tax.  I’m telling you our government is like NeNe Leaks.... very Rich Bitch!  

Did you know that Judah is a muni train in San Francisco?  I was like oh girl... i think that was the train I ran into this guy... well he ran into me... I thought it was his leg or something like someone bumping me to say hello... I turned around and he was like a foot from me... I look him up and down and he was like omg I’m so sorry don’t sue me.  Literally that’s the words that came out of his mouth. Can you imagine?  I felt awful.  I was like ‘aw you’re hung and rich and can’t even wear gym shorts on the muni...’ :( he was like, ‘omg you totally get me...? Marry me?’ I was like... ‘I have someone in LA I’m regrowing my virginity for... or else I’d hop on that.’   

Like- I know this is all my family... cause ain’t no body picking on me but them... like that kind of mentality. But- I’m honestly over it.  I’m telling you if I wasn’t so dead set on making sure that others don’t dead themselves because of shit like this I would have made their dreams come true along time ago.  Cause not gonna lie.  They’ve put me through hell. 

The housing I’m in is like an interim thing while I wait for the gov to get it’s shit together... Like, All these people I know have no trouble getting section 8 and housing and are like settled and buying furniture and getting ready to take a weekend trip somewhere cause that’s what you do when you have a safe place to call home and I’m at this place in south central LA- with billboards being put up about me saying ‘no gentrification!’, with this douche housemate that has broken three phone chargers and a pair of ear buds in three days (that’s not only a shit ton of money, but has such a hidden agenda behind it)... which has San Jose and my mom and dad and my dad’s alter ego person written all over it.  Total bitch moves. Like, lil bitch I’ll fuck you up. If I thought this person was doing it in their own accord... I’d totally handle it... and by guck you up I don’t mean in a physical manner.  Like, hitting and beating someone up is so dumb- that person still doesn’t really know what all the reasons are behind it. All that’s brought on is escalation.  But, I am not about to harm the messenger which is just doing it for the money or something like that... sounds crazy... but the gap between rich and poor makes it so these fat fucks have too much money and hate in their hearts... and are probably bored.  Instead of going to school or something awesome are reverting back to their childhood bullying days as an adult.  I’m serious... it’s awful cause the president simply is in this category... it’s like HELP!

Ps there are 13,000 kids in these god awful border camps.   So probably the 7 is actually probably 700 or 70!  They just moved some to Texas! They are going to be sex traffic the ones that are HIV negative probably. I say this because Hispanic men 13-20 ish are the ones being diagnosed the most as of right now!!!! Ashton Kutcher this is your and Cindy Biden’s time to shine!! 3, 2, 1, Go!

1 in 4 youth become homeless after coming out... go after that Mr. President, please.

Happy Nation HIV Testing Day!  (1 in 4 youth become homeless after coming out…)

I remember the first time I got tested.  I was in college at UAB and my friend ran into me on campus and was like, ‘Hey, come with me to get tested?!’  I was like, wtf I haven’t studied for anything and I don’t think we have a test today?!  After walking a while and then going to a few different desks and down some stairs and basically to the basement of this building we were there.  I was asked a lot of questions… you will be as well if you get tested.  I answered all the questions and then was given my results- which I just knew were going to be positive… and I was negative.  I was like, holla!  This is the same day on facebook that after sleeping with someone who was positive like the week before I noticed everyone posting their negative status… I remembered my friend from the week before- how shocked he was that I still wanted to have sex with him after he told me… it was the most humbling experience really.  Like, I could feel his insecurity around his status and how like shocked he was that I still wanted to have sex with him after he told me.  He told I had no idea how many people said ‘ew gross’ or turned him down after telling people (he was bi…) that he was positive.  It was heart breaking.  The sex if you’re curious was mind blowing… like mind blowing.  He is one of the kindest people I’ve to this day ever met.  He like most people was kicked out when he came out to his family… and was making it on his own in the service industry.  To those that this happens to- come to LA.  I don’t know what to do but I know that I’m here and we have a City that’s literally GAY.  West Hollywood is amazing and yes, there is shade and sketchiness… but also, there are two brand new Gay and Lesbian Centers… I don’t know where the shelters are for the gay youth…as I shouldn’t because I’m not a youth  I can’t tell you what I went through  and what I’m still going through with my family… its not that they don’t want me around… its not that they don’t want me to exist anymore… its like they don’t want me to even have existed… like on Harry Potter when she performs the spell that takes away her parents memories… wiping her from their memory, and photographs and probably text messages and friends of theirs memories…. That’s what my parents want and I can’t give it to them… and neither can you…I had all this happen to me starting at the age of twenty six.  It sucks… and I realized that if my parents weren’t at the heart of all my misery they would have come to my rescue.  Let me tell you about this time at the ballpark during city league when a boy was picking on me and took my hat… my mamma went apeshit.  Well, ive learned that can’t no body pick on her son but her… and my dad of course.  I just forget that… as a child, whether you’re 14 or 40 you have this childlike love for your family that they cant and could do no harm to you… but that is so incorrect.   I can’t tell you how many children for a day old infant to a twenty something year old I’ve taken care of who was up in that bed in the ICU at the fault of their parents or caregivers.  Just know I love you.  I was so blind that I even allowed my family to hurt my very best friend here in LA.  They still are causing havoc in his life even though…  On this day many years I posted on facebook that I was ‘negative’ but even if I was positive I would post it… because that’s what I would do and I would wear it the same way I would a negative status… well, 4 years ago on January 31, 2015 at 9pm in Hollywood I tested positive.  It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was ready for until I wasn’t.  I had literally just seroconverted.   By the time I started meds a month or so later i was still like shocked… but that’s ok… I thought I was ready for the onslaught… but I wasn’t… but that’s how it goes… I was idealistic enough to think it was ok… I thought it was then ok to post on facebook that I had tested positive…  well, its sadly not and wasn’t and still to this day people are shocked that I did so…

One of the many issues...

So wow I guess like two years ago- my car gets stolen, I was in process of recovering from eye surgery, I was like looking for my car thinking ‘wow this can’t be happening...’ the sheriff’s (3) who were following a Fedex truck see me and ask my name... I was didn’t hear them well so I said excuse me... oh hell by this time all three are running towards me and tackle me... anyways I still have to complete the use of excessive force stuff but they took pictures and stuff.  I was covered in mud and literally looked like I had been drug behind a truck... anyways- I had my backpack with my brand new MacBook Air in it and other items... so when I was sent to San Jose because of a failure to appear warrant they kept my backpack down here as bulk property. Instead of sending it with me- which I asked multiple times for them to do.  When I got out in San Jose and got my things... all I had was my phone, no phone charger, my ID, and debit card, but not my ebt card.  It was a nightmare. I didn’t make it down in the 6 months they hold your property to get my things and so I guess it all got destroyed. I have to do something about this. I mean I tried and begged a family member to help... but their eye was on the life endurance policy they have on me... so yeah... we know how that year in San Jose went.  I got 10 misdemeanors! Ten! For just existing.  Oh well, here’s the letter from the weho sheriffs. The same ones that arrested me... feel free to call them and let them know what you think of them. Imagine- I bet one of their kids got my new laptop for Christmas! Ugh! One more perk of their job.

Go after violence...

So I’ll be up front with you... drugs and violence are two totally separate entities. Getting rid of drugs  or illegal drugs will not make america great or get rid of violence.  By violence I mean bullying, stalking, etc.

For example- when I get attacked in LA... this was the time they got my iPad, iPhone, passport, like basically everything... to me that’s so much more toxic then drugs.  Wether they were high or not or on drugs or not that act and the ones behind it... yes, I do think there are more then just the two actuals in the mix. Oh and I also think the noise that made me turn to face the person to my right actually had a gun... and that’s what got my attention instead of them stepping on a stick it was the dropping of a gun.  Take drugs out of the world completely and those evil cowards will still be around.

Those people that do what is called ‘swatting.’  Like- if that’s a real thing which I think it is... just like I think not only is that person who hit me in the above described situation living in the same vicinity as I am... like still kind of stalking me. Like was at the russ hotel with me and now has followed me here.

There has to be connections and links that make it so these people can be stopped. It is not fair that a person can ride around on a bike or walk around or whatever and call in fake or real issues... as a do gooder when really they are actually making those calls about specific people.

I don’t feel that those people have to also be connected with drugs in order to be charged with a crime. This was also done to me in the park when I was arrested this last time a year ago for beating up those officers.  Some do-gooder felt the need to call incessantly and complain that I was in the park sleeping.  I wasn’t camping there. I wasn’t making noise.  I wasn’t doing anything wrong other then being in the park when it was technically closed- even though it opened again in 30 minutes.  The point is to me that’s harassment, stalking, and the information regarding if that person has made calls about me before... or if people around that person has sent messages or calls about me or in regards to me exists. Like, go after that.  That’s violence and why suicide rates are through the roof.  And much much much more damaging then/than a substance.

Imagine getting a new car and it getting scratched, mail coming up missing or you not receiving it, your wallet going missing from your desk, someone giving you a bad review on yelp, someone calling saying your dog is barking a lot, someone being sly towards or with your boyfriend, your email getting hacked, your parents getting texts or mail that you didn’t send... all of this may seem coincidental but to a non-baby boomer like me it’s violence and a crime. And it happens soooo much.  It’s literally been going on in my life for at least 5 years, if not more and has managed to follow me even though the actual specific people may be different depending on where I am... the connections and links are still there.

And this happens probably to children of people also- just cause they are that persons kid.  Can you imagine... like I’m the kid of someone who is a victim of this and just because I’m their kid now I’m a target and have no clue about any of it. If this was happening to me as a teenager I wouldn’t know what to do or how to function and would feel so scared and helpless and tormented... hell what am I talking about... I feel that way now as an adult haha but I damn sure cannot stand by and let things of this nature happen to children.

Would I call these people of these acts domestic terrorism? Gang violence?  Hate crimes? Crime of passion? My brain doesn’t think in such a way to have to frame things within labels like that... if yours does, then figure out what the fuck to call it or label it and get to work please.  Cause I know that people in similar situations have tried to make things like this stop on their own cause no one has helped or they didn’t know where to turn and that’s not how it should or ought to be. It shouldn’t  be up to the person having a stroke or a heart attack to handle it themselves... or put their big boy britches on...

My friend said it’s been going on in his life for over ten years? I don’t know if it’s something he’s done, someone he knows/an association, or just because.... hey, how about you ask the people doing it to him and then we’ll know! :)

please say what’s ‘it’ or ‘who is they’... and to me that’s the same kind of hate as my friend being dead (and me not knowing it at the time), me telling my mom how much I miss him and how much I want to see him and her telling me ‘we’ll maybe if you start living right then he’ll want you back in his life or want to be in yours.’

I don’t want to think he’s actually gone and I do literally forget all the time and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I start crying at the library or in my room in the middle of the night... and that’s ok.  When I finally get to the bottom of everything and have taken care of it all I’m going to take his flag from his service and burn it in front of the White House... (I said that after that... I’d probably go and talk to a physician about assisted end of life measures for myself... that way our souls can be together again in heaven... why wait right? And why give people the high or the satisfaction of seeing me walk down the side walk or at the market or on Facebook... and thinking, aw poor josh- his dear friend died  how sad.  That’s not crazy, that’s legit love.

Credit score...