Credit score pic...

UI dunno but odds are someone noticed before I did however my effing flip flops are killing me like CB’s were in SATC when she had to walk ninety six blocks in NYC cause she left her taxi money in order to not embarrass herself and yeah, I err did the same thing only I’m in LA and yeah... I got my credit score in the mail from where I didn’t get approved for a credit card however my credit score is good right?  I’m being vulnerable here... and so yes, my credit score is awful? So is this where I post my credit score of ... cause I’m gonna. The credit people are so happy that its  been raised (odds are illicitly by them since I haven’t paid off a single thing however have routinely accessed my stuff which is soooo bad.   It’s like they made it so it wouldn’t hurt your credit to check your credit just for me.  Aw, thanks. Honestly. Cause they’re like I know you see this food bill from almost a decade ago you lazy American... did you know at one point I had the lowest credit score of any American in the country.. (not totally true- and it literally went from 818 to 3-something in a month) did you know that it’s possible for the low limit for a white American to be not the same as someone of the same demographics and geographic location but different race?! Yes. 

I love how the definition of gentrification changes every time I look it up and also depending on what browser I use.   And if something is fictitious it’s not that it’s fake- other then in someone’s head. (Oh please apply to that to me... cause bitch wait until I get a quote from my pediatrician from childhood... cause all this shit might be on paper documentation from way back 32 or less years ago... but... I hate to have to go there....) 

I’m not creating a non-profit to make money- I’m going to eventually find an attorney to help me and then it’ll be all good. What sucks is that I may have to do this from another country? Cause I dunno. And listen- I’m doing my best- I mean Rihanna got her ass beat by not Chris brown but that damn exotic monkey or whatever he had/has/just got caught with and even they could find attorney to represent them... like, I mean damn. (On a separate note can you imagine sitting in DV classes thinking about the trauma of a legit like exotic animal whipping your ass instead of your bf and how annoying that would be... damn. That’s even annoying to try to put into words but hey, she must of not had his money...the monkey wants royalties for that song please...he be like bitch better have my banana!) 

I have so much but it’s exhausting on my phone. And my phone battery life is only at 81% (not the amount charged) was which means it dies all the time!  Like all the time. (Just like the fucking sentence at the beginning said ‘to do,’ I have so much to do but it’s exhausting on my phone- like I don’t know what to do.  I hope that who or whom ever is editing... oh I mean sabotaging is... Nevermind.  

It’s like my whole life- has been not only hacked but like anything I try to do is... for example.  I’m on the commission on HIV for LA County.  Like it’s absurd that I’m not getting email until after or on the date When I set up alerts on my ICal it gets deleted or whatever... it’s not that the emails don’t show up... it’s that they’ll show up on the day of the meeting or sometime after. It’s exhausting.  And makes me seem a little crazy when I tell people about it- but thankfully it’s a little easier now.  At least in LA there’s enough people to make it so that like all the people I encounter aren’t going to make me seem crazy- or add to or confirm the bullshit. (I retract that... depending on the time of day and area I’m in) This is such a set up- it’s so annoying.  I do get sad al the time... when it’s a push pull of people v people and it’s one side living and scared of the other side being able to survive past making it to college... I just don’t get it.  There is plenty of everything to go around, there has to be. If not then worry about that later... isn’t that what AI is for? It’s a real struggle that I have a billionaire trying to offer support and then another one... (yes, sometimes I think some people are actually just cgi animation created because that would be easier to control then say Jane Fonda and all her realness... and abc is owned by Disney... who does what? Animated movies? Ohhhh duh!  Plus if some of them are this and are billionaires then our nation debt and my realness of a putting things together is sure adding up.) literally the other one is trying to keep me from posting that it’s the baby boomer generation that’s ruining America.  That I think they are literally just the ones saying life isn’t fair... and are actually making it unfair. They are the first generation to have to live without the help- or grow up with out them... imagine that sibling rivalry... ‘oh I’m sorry, I don’t know how to sweep.’ Yes, there is an art of cleaning... Aw... didn’t think I was going to put that together? I mean it’s so annoying.  The new new Jim Crow laws and the new new new ones that I guess are going on now make it so that our news is not heard even more- but if we’re having to figure out the sixth person scenario of camera’d scenarios being watched on other cameras by other people and AI then who’s at fault for my password getting stolen and how the eff do I figure that mess out when those same cameras like the ones on the sidewalk or traffic lights can detect gun shots with their sense of smell.  So cool right?! - like the fact that they had a Tylenol crisis in one part of the country but then the crack/new Jim Crow laws happening in the same country but different time zone and like at the same time but no one knows makes it really annoying. 

Cheers to the weekend. And for my addicts if you identify as such- it may be a disease of the soul- but not your own... however probably the ones who raised you or said this is for your own good or didn’t tell you the truth or the ones who initially said that you have a problem. ;) 

I still have my little belly poochie thing- as stressed or as skinny as I get it’s still there. 

At a certain point everyone needs to know that just because your parents or whomever don’t/didn’t want you to know something and that also you don’t know something about yourself or don’t want others to know... doesn’t mean that people don’t actually know and won’t or might hold that secret against you/me... like if that’s what it’s about... you wanting to fill a void that you saw in the world and actually went to the lengths to find the right person for the job or whatever... acting like all that didn’t happen may have led people to think there is acting or something going on. It’s very vague and confusing until... 

Cheers to today!

Ugh... you know what’s annoying.  When your pandora is performing some kind of maintenance and it doesn’t work.  Like, I dunno... I updated and prayed and shit still ain’t gotten better... I guess that’s why I’m more spiritual then religious cause I ain’t trying to put my faith in no man and/or no bitch that ain’t my own... of course this sparked my doing Apple Music for three months free but also adding my debit card to the situation (on the metro- I  didn’t think about that until after the fact oh and one more reason for someone to think that I’m bs’ing when I say I’m broke.  . . omg one thing I’ve learned... utilize that iCal and set a reminder. However... National Change Your Password Day is going to have to happen again this year because if one more thing gets deleted from my iCal making me miss an appointment and I’ll just have to deal with it right? Yep, it has my shit all messed up.  Like- it’s exhausting. And also- some people don’t know that you can look on the apps and see which devices are attached or have accessed your account. But what, am I supposed to change that daily. 

LGBTQ Center in Hollywood- 

Me: ‘OMG...you’re gonna have to hurry- I’m making traffic worse on this street!’

Friend: ‘oh my God- this is why I never come get your ass!’

Me: ‘ok if security hassles me for sitting on the railing or if the guy that clearly followed me into the restroom and then proceeded to come back into the restroom to see what I was doing (brushing my teeth) shows back up I’ll be sure and use the ‘omg... I’ll be down in a moment I’m currently shooting an Ad for NASA’s satellite real time street view photography campaign...’

Friend: ‘that was so last year... omg, actually two years ago you belated bitch.’

Walking around West Hollywood has sure cut down on the amount of times I trip walking down the side walk- It has something to do with the other cameras that they can use to watch instead of their own. It’s something like that because yes I spend a lot of time in my room where I do keep the blinds closed/tilted and am not streaming tv or movies on my phone and yet somehow already I’ve used 192 gb’s of data so far... crazy right?  I dunno but odds are someone noticed before I did however my effing flip flops are killing me like CB’s were in SATC when she had to walk ninety six blocks in NYC cause she left her taxi money in order to not embarrass herself and yeah, I err did the same thing only I’m in LA and yeah... I got my credit score in the mail from where I didn’t get approved for a credit card however my credit score is good right?  I’m being vulnerable here... and so yes, my credit score is awful? So is this where I post my credit score of ... cause I’m gonna. The credit people are so happy that its  been raised (odds are illicitly by them since I haven’t paid off a single thing however have routinely accessed my stuff which is soooo bad.   It’s like they made it so it wouldn’t hurt your credit to check your credit just for me.  Aw, thanks. Honestly. Cause they’re like I know you see this food bill from almost a decade ago you lazy American... did you know at one point I had the lowest credit score of any American in the country.. (not totally true- and it literally went from 818 to 3-something in a month) did you know that it’s possible for the low limit for a white American to be not the same as someone of the same demographics and geographic location but different race?! Yes. 

I love how the definition of gentrification changes every time I look it up and also depending on what browser I use.   And if something is fictitious it’s not that it’s fake- other then in someone’s head. (Oh please apply to that to me... cause bitch wait until I get a quote from my pediatrician from childhood... cause all this shit might be on paper documentation from way back 32 or less years ago... but... I hate to have to go there....) 

I’m not creating a non-profit to make money- I’m going to eventually find an attorney to help me and then it’ll be all good. What sucks is that I may have to do this from another country? Cause I dunno. And listen- I’m doing my best- I mean Rihanna got her ass beat by not Chris brown but that damn exotic monkey or whatever he had/has/just got caught with and even they could find attorney to represent them... like, I mean damn. (On a separate note can you imagine sitting in DV classes thinking about the trauma of a legit like exotic animal whipping your ass instead of your bf and how annoying that would be... damn. That’s even annoying to try to put into words but hey, she must of not had his money...the monkey wants royalties for that song please...he be like bitch better have my banana!) 

I have so much but it’s exhausting on my phone. And my phone battery life is only at 81% (not the amount charged) was which means it dies all the time!  Like all the time. (Just like the fucking sentence at the beginning said ‘to do,’ I have so much to do but it’s exhausting on my phone- like I don’t know what to do.  I hope that who or whom ever is editing... oh I mean sabotaging is... Nevermind.  

It’s like my whole life- has been not only hacked but like anything I try to do is... for example.  I’m on the commission on HIV for LA County.  Like it’s absurd that I’m not getting email until after or on the date When I set up alerts on my ICal it gets deleted or whatever... it’s not that the emails don’t show up... it’s that they’ll show up on the day of the meeting or sometime after. It’s exhausting.  And makes me seem a little crazy when I tell people about it- but thankfully it’s a little easier now.  At least in LA there’s enough people to make it so that like all the people I encounter aren’t going to make me seem crazy- or add to or confirm the bullshit. (I retract that... depending on the time of day and area I’m in) This is such a set up- it’s so annoying.  I do get sad al the time... when it’s a push pull of people v people and it’s one side living and scared of the other side being able to survive past making it to college... I just don’t get it.  There is plenty of everything to go around, there has to be. If not then worry about that later... isn’t that what AI is for? It’s a real struggle that I have a billionaire trying to offer support and then another one... (yes, sometimes I think some people are actually just cgi animation created because that would be easier to control then say Jane Fonda and all her realness... and abc is owned by Disney... who does what? Animated movies? Ohhhh duh!  Plus if some of them are this and are billionaires then our nation debt and my realness of a putting things together is sure adding up.) literally the other one is trying to keep me from posting that it’s the baby boomer generation that’s ruining America.  That I think they are literally just the ones saying life isn’t fair... and are actually making it unfair. They are the first generation to have to live without the help- or grow up with out them... imagine that sibling rivalry... ‘oh I’m sorry, I don’t know how to sweep.’ Yes, there is an art of cleaning... Aw... didn’t think I was going to put that together? I mean it’s so annoying.  The new new Jim Crow laws and the new new new ones that I guess are going on now make it so that our news is not heard even more- but if we’re having to figure out the sixth person scenario of camera’d scenarios being watched on other cameras by other people and AI then who’s at fault for my password getting stolen and how the eff do I figure that mess out when those same cameras like the ones on the sidewalk or traffic lights can detect gun shots with their sense of smell.  So cool right?! - like the fact that they had a Tylenol crisis in one part of the country but then the crack/new Jim Crow laws happening in the same country but different time zone and like at the same time but no one knows makes it really annoying. 

Cheers to the weekend. And for my addicts if you identify as such- it may be a disease of the soul- but not your own... however probably the ones who raised you or said this is for your own good or didn’t tell you the truth or the ones who initially said that you have a problem. ;) 

I still have my little belly poochie thing- as stressed or as skinny as I get it’s still there. 

At a certain point everyone needs to know that just because your parents or whomever don’t/didn’t want you to know something and that also you don’t know something about yourself or don’t want others to know... doesn’t mean that people don’t actually know and won’t or might hold that secret against you/me... like if that’s what it’s about... you wanting to fill a void that you saw in the world and actually went to the lengths to find the right person for the job or whatever... acting like all that didn’t happen may have led people to think there is acting or something going on. It’s very vague and confusing until... 

Title Here...

Ive restarted this five times in my head and twice now in actual text.  Not trying to be a perfectionist but definitely time to start working on my delivery. It’s Monday- it’s everything I thought it would be- it’s such a nice day. I’ve actually handled a lot of stuff.  More to do. So some of the people I met in jail are popping up on Facebook.  Most of them went to prison... yes the African American transgender I love to death is still locked up- facts are facts, she got the longest term of anyone.  It’s exhausting. The way it works is that if you come into court with a record you’re going to at least the time you got on the case before- so if you did 6 months county time you might get the same time... if you did prison time, yo ass is going to prison. Or AB 109 which is doing a prison term in county- which sucks.  Basically they get no outdoor rec for their entire stay- I was down for 4 months and could only go out once per week from 6am-9am on Sunday.   It wasn’t that much better or different in San Jose (you know ‘the yard’ from that amazing David Guetta music video? That’s what I got in San Jo. Omg twelve more minutes and I’m home.  Fuck.  Like- how is it I piss people off just by existing? This dude is slamming the window closed on the bus like it’s my fault it’s open, looking/mean mugging at me like 7 minutes later as I’ve had time to notice.... ponder on... as well as write about the situation, and still looking over his shoulder at me- and if it’s cause I’m blaring Britney Spears in my ears then he just needs to be a little more alpha cause *NSYNC just started and then after that is what.... Backstreets Back Alright!  And no I’m not making this up as an alpha beside me indeed exhibited some protective body language over me towards his behavior and got him to stop being so sassy.  

So Im apart of an entire gentrification get down I think. I hope not- however, I did just move to south central.  No complaints about the neighborhood at all- other then yes, I am the only white personal I’ve noticed... currently I’m on a bus that’s full. Me and one other white guy who looks lost (no offense if you’re the person I’m talking about- odds are you might be part of the same scheme because I had the same look on my face when I first moved to the area... what the hell am I talking about?... let my anxiety flare up and I’ll have a look that makes people want to create a mem or whatever those things are called. Ha that or one of those scary cat ones. I hope I’m not cause one white person moves to town and all of a f’n or eff’in sudden homeowners insurance goes up and since most things in our country are owned by the same 6 people (since there are 6 time zones thought that’d be a reasonable guesstimation ... however generous it may actually be) they get excited and increase what they charge their renters who may or may not have legitimate contracts and may or may not be able or be knowledgeable of renters rights and things like that.  (Omg- yes, as a child I watched Duke’s of Hazard and just pictured a modern day Boss Hog snickering at the concept of renters rights and then I was like... ugh I’m trying not to make a joke about a certain oblong office... but the struggle is real.) 

Me not having a computer is even more of a fucking struggle today- once again if I had had one I would have been able to make it to a volunteer thing I had mid-morning today but instead realized I wouldn’t be able to go after calling to check on a benefit issue- I hate it when people on the other side of the call say? Well, since you don’t have a computer- even the lady at dept of social services who helps people with gov aid can’t believe that I don’t have an effing computer! Ugh! So I’m metro’ing it two hours (with them slowing down traffic down town on top of delays related to construction) to go to the office and fill out a page or two of verifications.  Yes, I’m relatively savy and can do all sorts of what seems like witch craft and wizardry with my updated adobe and adobe fill in and sign apps... however- from past experiences I’ve learned it’s better to go and do and receive them to try and not succeed and realize it’s past 5pm or will be once you get there and just like I want me money so does ‘the woman.’ (There- women want rights... they get the other side that comes along with it so eat your heart out.) I would love to ask how they feel about being the bad guy but sadly I already know how they feel about it related to what research shows... but.... fuck I guess that’s enough for now since I’m about to lose some of the audience. Ha- that’s not why I’m doing it but also feel as though I need to post and end with this... I’m passing the court house downtown and I’m like... how can you not see the problem and work harder, faster, and without question as to if there is an issue... like- there is clear nauseating hate in our country and it stems from the law makers and law and courts and if you wanna say it doesn’t- you and I will take our asses to Delano and I’ll introduce you to my friend who I mentioned earlier who got the longest term of anyone I know or knew in jail and is... 

Wow... it's been awhile! I'm going to be better about posting...

Ok OK- I’ve let a lot of you down… for this I am sorry.  I’ve been doing a lot of research… a lot of it totally just by coincidence… so I guess I’ll start with my best friend, my person- I’ve missed your birthday in March two years in a row after being back in LA.  This year I was indeed out of jail, as last year I was ‘down.’  It I have a card that’s stamped that I still can’t bring myself to mail… I don’t know why… but I owe you Olive Garden (The OG) whenever you’re ready to have dinner with me… I love you and I miss you.  (Crying at the West Hollywood library as per usual…)

When I got the charger for my rented laptop from the librarian she has this look on her face… like, oh no… you! Ha-ha.  I mean that was a while ago… but you never know…

So yeah, on or about Feb 2^nd I went to jail for four months for felony battery on three officers… I know right?  Who knew that it could be so much fun sleeping in the park that at 5am LAPD comes and… so I was asleep in my normal routine/attire and I get woken up feeling like I’m being drug out of my sleeping bag… I come up swinging with no clue who or what I’m swinging at, screaming for help, only to have one of the people cover my mouth.  I then bite the person covering my mouth cause I can’t breathe… I then hear “Do you want to be tasered… Do you want to be tasered?”  I don’t know if the person was speaking to me or to the person on top of me covering my mouth but that when I realized that these people attacking me are probably officers/cops.  They were… I screamed for help so loud that someone heard me and called 911 for me but officers from the same precinct showed up… which was fantastic… back up who has their backs… not mine… anyways… I had to spend four months in jail fighting my case but I ended up beating it…. The DA was like- “Mr. Ray, we are not taking this to jury trial and we will work this out…” I still haven’t been able to expunge my record but it should be soon I hope.  Oh, and when I got arrested there are some nasty things on the body worn camera evidence... like me turning blue when he was on top of me covering my mouth... and just some language I guess.  And they left all my stuff in the park... all of it.  Like, everything, including the FDNY hoodie that I adored.  It was given to me by a hero and was from Sept 11th... the one with the twin towers and the smoke billowing... ugh, it makes me sick to think that I don't have it anymore... like, it really meant something to me and the person that gave it to me... and they just left it... after I specifically asked them to get it for me...

I have so much more to write about… I had no idea that I would end up where I’m at now.  Thank God I’m semi off the streets.  I haven’t forgotten everything… thankfully I’ve been journaling and it’s been a long road.  I have so much ‘to do.’  When I was arrested and extradited or transported to San Jose the Sheriff’s kept my backpack here in LA as ‘bulk property.’  So nothing was send with me, or that’s why nothing was sent with me… I don’t know why a backpack would be considered such- but it was…. I remember them trying to open my laptop while I was in the back of the car… so I don’t know… anyways, I followed up about the missing property form I filled out forever ago and they aren’t going to reimburse me for it… so that means I guess I have to hire an attorney.  I mean, I was in jail in San Jose when the 6 months to pick up the property deadline passed so I don’t know… but I had just gotten my computer… a MacBook Air, the week before… so it was like, brand new.  I don’t know how things are destroyed through the sheriffs dept. but I hate to think it was actually destroyed and didn’t end up as a new present to or for someone…

It’s little things like this that irk me… the gay’s or k-6G’s as we are called in LA have a 99% re-incarceration rate.  Isn’t that crazy… like- the same people over and over just keep getting arrested while new people are added to that group everyday… oh and guess what… while in jail I got Hepatitis A from the water… joy.  It turns out that most people do when they first get there.  But, I met some really cool people and also heard some really cool stories- as heartbreaking as some are.  I’ll try to come as often as I can to the library to post and tell these stories… and talk about the last year or so of my life… it’s been crazy and eye opening and hopefully I’ll be able to raise some awareness for what’s going on…

I am thinking/considering going to Law School for a JD.  I’m not sure exactly what the details are but I’m working with an entity that’s going to help me pay for it… thankfully.  UCLA, Loyola, and USC are my top ones…. But I’m also considering Stanford as there was a professor from that Law School in my jury pool in San Jose- of coarse she got booted by the DA before we started the trial but hey… that’s the process right?  I want to get people off the streets and out of jail/keep people out of jail…

Like I’ve said before… the biggest thing I can say right now is for me, taking it to the box was the best thing I’ve done… since getting that advice from someone…

It’s crazy to think that if I was charged $300 in court fees as an indigent or person with financial hardship… the court rooms that do arraignments see like 300 cases per day… so if you think about it if 250 of those people are under financial hardship and there are like 230 court days in a year that’s $17,250,000 that one court room makes in a year… that’s crazy... one court room in one court house in one city/county…  I mean I don’t know what kind of math that is but it adds up to me and also that this broken system of ours makes a whole lot of money…

To be continued…

I got a voicemail from the Social Security people again that my ssn is frozen because of fraudulent activity… I guess that’s one more thing for me to deal with.  Hopefully this doesn’t get all jumbled when I post it, and that people can actually read it.  When I try to submit or work on things on my phone or at the library it seems either they don’t actually get submitted or they come out on the other end jumbled or incomplete or… so here’s to hoping for the best…

What I’m dealing with today ;)

omg I’m so frustrated... not only am I trying to catch up on everything... like completing my ssi stuff, the document I need for the commission, etc but today I got a phone call that my social security number is being suspended for fraudulent activity and also that Wells Fargo took $10 out of my checking account for me not using it ten times last month. Ugh. I know $10 isn’t that much money but I feel like it is especially when I’m trying to save money. So- just an update.  I know I haven’t been posting but every time I go to the library I feel like I have to reset my passwords and nothing I submit or send actually goes through. I really want a new MacBook so if anyone is feeling generous this would greatly be appreciated that way I can work from home and also have my stuff more secure! Haha. You can purchase it and then I can pick it up at The Grove Apple Store. I’ll try to be better about posting. I’m living in LA still and thankfully do have a roof over my head. ;) so things are getting better but I still have so much to follow up with and catch up on. My person- if you graduated I’m so proud of you and even if you didn’t I’m still proud of you. I had you a birthday card, then thought it was lame so I went and got you another one- then someone was massaging me on WhatsApp and it seemed like it was you kind of so I opened the card and sent photos of it but I don’t think it was you.  So I’m going to get another one- 3rd time is a charm and send it haha. Just don’t want you to catch any grief for me sending it ya know. ;) loves.

this is for my homegirl...

‘There is a great deal to say... ‘ who included that in their Oscar speech?  Omg I love it... I really do- guess where I learned or saw that... jail.  Ugh. I have to like catch everyone up! I recently looked at my last blog... I know I know I was bitching, some of the numbers are wrong in my post and the street is the wrong one...but the overall message is there and I know good and well I got on the correct bus and no offense to that driver but as soon as I asked if it was a 45 the first words out of his mouth were ‘I didn’t change it...’ not a yes or no.... so does that mean he changed it or no? I mean I know he changed it... it was only me and like 2 other people on the bus plus the two guys that got off with me confirmed it. So thank you! It just makes me angry- like I get it if there are like security guards on the buses late at night... it was late and I think or am glad that they were there.  But if that means they can change the routes or something... honestly I don’t know. There is so much going on right now with everything... like buses and shit are late all the time and then you think about how... you know fuck this. I’m pissed and not even playing that you guys are douche bags and I am not tolerating it.  A wire tap is always tapped once tapped? That shit is crazy fool. Like not cute. And then... I really want to write another blog and post it but I’

So just annoying that buses can just change routes!

OMG. So I’ve learned so much.  So somehow someone who is amazing got my debit card that my disability- short term (from surgery) didn’t make it to my mailing address address... it was like $50 every week for a few weeks.  And it’s money that is already mine- since I paid into it when I was working... just for the judgmental douches...but somehow last week I called to get a new one since it had never arrived. The lady wasn’t customer service driven in the least. Like- what the hell. It makes me mad because conveniently enough though my mom decided to help me out with $50 a month- how nice.  I can’t believe she stole/got my credit card. What a complete and total lunatic. I knew she was doing some of those- Checking up on Josh without him knowing it, messing with stuff that ought not be messed with, and then not even seeing me while here.  Someone asked me why I missed my ‘appointment’ one day when I just couldn’t leave where I was at.  Like, I just couldn’t- something felt off. Well- guess what?  How did anyone know I had an appointment with my Doctor?! Further more- yes it was my hiv Doctor!  Continuing on... I’m so annoyed- just before she blocked me on iMessage is when she decided to do this. I don’t know for sure she has m.,...

Oh wait I can’t finish this cause a bus changed its route and fucking he knew he had changed it cause guess what he said when I said this is a 745 right? He goes I didn’t change it.  Uh huh. So why did other people get off the bus?! Cause it wasn’t what they thought it was and or they were trying to help me. Thank you!  Innocent bystanders that have no business possibly  being late for curfew any more then I do. Ughhhh.  I wasn’t late though thankfully.  I am sad that it happened. 

Beneficiary...

I don’t know if I’ve written about this before but I realized that all my issues didn’t come from what people might think. I mean it’s snowballed into a much biggger mess Over the 5 years it’s been... or about 5 years it’s been... since I but ‘my other half’ as my beneficiary on my life insurance form for a contract that was then cancelled.  It was cancelled after I told my mom about putting him on the form.    I can’t believe it took me this long to put all this together but yeah. I just don’t know where to go from here- like is this a hate crime that’s been 5 years on-going? How do I get justice/figure it all out?  Do I go to an attorney? The authorities? Who? So stresssful.  Short blog I know. I’m going to write more. I just have been going through it... it’s your birthday, or close to it, and I am so sorry I’ve put you through hell- or not me but, yes, ‘them.’  I’m trying and have been trying to get back to you. I love you. And thank you everyone who reads and passes this on. I’m still homeless and jobless and have no income or support- but now the reason why is finally clear. It’s just heart breaking.

Best,


Joshua Ray

Housing Emergency! Help!

So I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Like, I’m kinda pissed about this whole gov shut down.  I mean a midevil corporeal punishment is needed for all of our elected officials that are ok with this gov shut down nonesense.  Like, whatever.  Some of it’s reopened but then some of it isn’t. I don’t know.  All I know is that people are being kicked out of their hotels and that’s a lot.  Like if that hopwa program is over ok fine- but then that’s even more piece that need housing and are on the streets tonight and damn- it’s cold as fuck in LA.  It’s kinda like that movie where those people are in Russia and they are drinking vodka or sippin it to stay warm.  Like, I’m heart broken.  And. Every time I look outside and it’s raining I cry cause all those people in tents are getting wet.   I want to take pics and post it but I just can’t.  Like shit.  I’m so stressed.  I mean they keep cleaning the side walk outside where I live, the Russ hotel, which is really a homeless shelter in LA.  I am so thank ful that LA has srowhich is a nonprofit.  However that it may be safe from the gov shutdown it still operates and receives federal funding. Like, so what I’ve learned from the industry and the la county commission on hiv (which I kinda participate in) is that section 8 is closed.  I don’t know what’s happened to those people already in apartments but the ones in hotels are being kicked out.  Which is crazy.  Yes, a warning would have been nice. But they didn’t receive one.  It’s just too much. Like on top of that- section 8 isn’t accepting applications, the applications submitted are on hold and then the ones with certificates won’t have their rent paid.  I mean I can’t believe that something that was created in the 1930’s by FDR to help save People during and after the Great Depression would be taken away. I mean, what’s plan B cause there are like about 8 million people in federally funded housing.  Some people in some places have already had to start the eviction process. It’s a fucking shock to me.   But read online and it seems like everything is fine. Apparently Long Beach is going to be accepting apps on April 1st. But like people are able to submit apps online at like 12:01am but what about those without computers and use the library.  I can’t handle it.  Like I can’t. It’s like survival of the fittest, and I mean I hate to recommend ‘coffee’ to stay awake to submit a housing application but that may Be what some do in order to be able to be one of the first in line but I still don’t get it- like I don’t have a computer at my place so I’ll just have to wait and do it in the am when the library opens and so will others and that’s not fair.  But hey, at least maybe that will stagger it enough to keep the servers from shutting down the website from too many people submitting applications.  It’s a pain to think about how many people are affected.  Hopefully this means that those with certificates are safe but I dunno. Like, I love how this happens right when it’s time for me to be able to do it. Like, if the gov is completely reopened which I don’t think it is, but the after aftercare are still hitting people at the level of having to be back out on the streets.  And the people that I know about are all hopwa clients.

It’s been awhile, eh?

Yes, it has!  So annoying. It wasn’t on purpose though I will say that I’ve learned a lot.  Like, a lot. Like. I didn’t know that it’s a ‘higher’ felony to bite a cop if you have hiv. I mean I wouldn’t bite an officer but I would bite a cop. So I wAs doing my thing- sleeping.  I was literally fighting sleep like a kid. I could just remember not feeling safe.  Like at all.  Eventually he got there and I was all safe and shit and I woke up feeling like I was being kicked or stepped on and then my sleeping bag was like being pulled out from under me. What’s a gay boy to do? Come up swinging. Yes, precisely what I did. I don’t remember the details but I’ll say that I imagine it to be like a comic book with the ‘bam,’ ‘boom,’ and ‘pow.’  Haha so amazing. Cause I got my licks on boo.  I had no