Yesterday, I was so pissed when my local eatery decided to close for Super Bowl! Granted there was plenty of signage, I just hadn't paid attention to any of it.  Lady GaGa did fabulous- it was political but not as dramatic as if Meryl had helped.  If she had been in on it she probably would have dry humped a golden toilet dressed  as a 'drunken' him the entire time.  

I finished Amy Shumar's book in a day.  It was phenomenal! Almost like she and I are on way too much of the same wave length.   I was literally in the park laughing out loud- after that sparked a few peoples interests I was asked to read aloud.  As daunting as that is for me because I can read ninety to nothing in my head but out loud- what a hot mess my annunciation becomes. It was so funny- I mean one of the straight guys could not believe she actually admitted to her vagina smelling like ramen in the mornings...He was definetly a Chelsea Handler virgin, cause the book about her favorite pranks shes played on her friends will make you red in the face from embarrassment.  

So I was parousing online at things I can't afford and almost died when I saw the specials Acura was having on the RDX! They finally gave it some balls with a V6 and can be yours for only $199 a month.  I mean holla! Yes, I lease.  I wish I would purchase- but having a new car that's warrentied out and has road side assistance until its time to get a replacemtn in three years fits my independant always 5 min early motto.  It's hard to be 5 min early when some kind of belt slips or something starts leaking.  OK, so now even leasing has me sweating a little haha!  

Amy Shumar's chapter I'm an Introvert should be read by everyone- wether you consider yourself to be or not.  I mean, it will either validate or educate haha!  

Pope Francis authored a book on Mercy that will do the same! It's my current rental- I was in a not so bright mood last night and after reading "The Lord never tires of forgiving: never!  It is we who tire of asking him for forgiveness.  We need to ask for the Grace not to get tired of asking for forgiveness, because he never gets tired of forgiving" a couple of pages in I was quiet.  Which is a feat in itself.  

An episode of Masterclass taught me how to quiet my brain.  The dude said you lay flat on your back, i chose to lay however I'm comfortable so I dont have to move once the quiet has come- and you imagine the outline of your body.  It's as if your're having an out of body experience... you then begin to imagine the bigger details, start to see your individual fingers, I usually think of a naked guy other then myself at about this point so I have to mentally rewind and KO (kick over- remember from 1st grade?) Then you get more and more detailed until your sometimes finetuning your cuticls before BAM, all that background noise of your brain is muted.  It's fabulous- sometimes it takes a little more effort but the late great Maya Angelou spoke to your brain being energy with unlimited inertia.  Dry spell of 5 months makes you perfect 



oh so back to I took this neuro psych coarse and it is.... lets just say I'll stick to loving hearts in my practice.  Did you know CSF looks just like urine sometimes.... i need more water...

So how an English Literary Pillar makes a statement like that added with the physiology of your brain being continuous in a way... but then having limitless potential.... Yes, I would like to be a Senator.

If someone commits suicide and one says... oh no, not again... there is a problem, I didnt have to tell you that- I mean if it was a snake it would have bitten you.... there was a suicide here a few days ago- I cant even.

Lions. Tigers.  Bears.  there are a few of you I have to say Hello-Goodbye to before I go back to LA.  It's odd how strange it can be not having those regular friends to be like oh hey I didn't see you at the gym.... or oh hey- I don't have a place, cant shower, already have self esteem issues, get mugged every time i turn around, Is it too much to ask for a face to face.... yep, I'm down, now where toooooo?  




  

 

I promise not to write a chapter titled 'I pray for dick sometimes.'

Started: 2/2….I love blogging- it’s therapeutic to have all your shit out there ya know.  I mean some things I expand upon in my head, but I don’t think that even if it was going to be private that I would write it.  

I might be mistaken, but I think everyone is that way.  If I told it all there would be no surprises…. Or id has to go even further and I don’t even have the energy for that right now.

Friday was so productive!  I went to a community center and got some information as well as a ton of groceries/food items- and I’m not talking things comprised 90% of sodium…. Apples, and bananas, and soup, and nut free granola bars, etc.  And a ton of those expensive hygiene items- deo, razors, shaving gel… I was thrilled! I went to the DMV and got a thing I needed for UBER.  I even made progress with the fam- granted due to their tricks last time I didn’t go to see if it was true or not.  Instead I decided to hump it all the way back to my normal stomping ground- about four miles away….mind you I had probably already walked more than my usual that day.  The only reason I bring that up is because I fucking got mugged…. AGAIN!

I think it’s becoming a sport- this dude came in the bathroom, kicked me in the head, yelled at me like it’s my fault that he ain’t got shit…. ‘I aint got shit!’ and out he went with mine.  That just shows you how stupid people can be- I think he had heard me mention that I hadn’t paid for them as they were from a nonprofit as I passed around some of my goods to those who may not actually be able to make it to this place themselves.  This asshole could have at least asked me where I got it all so that he could go himself… his lazy ass will probably just wait until I stroll by again with all my loot and be a bastard again.  I just sat there baffled- I honestly hadn’t even gone through it all to see everything.  Oh not to mention he got my ID! AH!

Yes, he got my California ID, meaning that I am photo ID-les for weeks.  For some reason here when they print your tempery paper copy to suffice until the hard one comes in the mail- it doesn’t have your picture on it.  So in addition to that asshole ruining that, he got both paper and hard ID, and now I can’t go to see if my family actually came through or not because I don’t have a photo ID.  I mean… things that make me cuss….

I can’t even go to any shelters because- THEY REQUIRE A PICTURE ID! FUCK!

This has been the best learning experience of my life…. The looks on these DMV queens faces when they saw me the next morning after I camped out overnight- I went at like 1630 Monday afternoon to see what they could do right? They said I had to bring some form from some office miles away in order to get anything…. Stupidly I left and sat outside and almost cried.  Until I was like, do they think I’m stupid?  Too bad it was after 1700 when the gusto came to me to storm the gate…. So my happy ass made a little bed on the bench outside.  A sweet person even covered me up with the Snuggles-iest smelling blanket that knocked the chill off and almost had me sweating by morning.  Thank you, to that awesome person. 

Resumed: 2/5! Super Bowl?! Holla! 

I’m making it a point to be positive on this American Holiday- I don’t know who is performing but I sure wish it was Iggy or Lady Gaga.  Hang on- I’ve got to Google that and a few things Amy Schumer told me I should also….AHHHHHHHH! How the fuck did I know it was my home girl?! 

YAY! I can’t effing wait! Also- go PAT’s! 

I sat next to the most amazing pats fan one night in LA.  I had just moved and my very first friend recommended a sushi restaurant that is still a hot spot… It’s at the Target Shopping Center in Weho.  Literally, the best sushi and for $20 you leave so stuffed it should be illegal.  Insert Tom Brady joke here… and then a chicken of the sea joke here… then, if only Nick L was about to add his 2 cents to the equation… 

Anyways, it’s a challenge for me to sit at the bar at a sushi restaurant.  Not at other places, just the fish ones.  I don’t know why- maybe it’s the fact that I get soy sauce ALL OVER THE PLACE! In addition to requiring more than any one person should per piece.  It’s obscene.  It was like that in college when midnight sushi was the highlight of my life, to now almost 13 years later.  This was a crowded night and naturally the only seat available was the one at the bar- she had my coveted corner seat, but since she had an open book I thought I might not have to exhaust myself with pleasantries.  WRONG! But, it was honestly a great dinner! I consumed way too many Kirin Lights, and then of course drove home- thank God I got a DUI not soon after this night.  Yes, I said it! 

We started talking about football and how she was a Pat’s fan.  I had to eventually ask what the unabbreviated name was… she was like oh duh? Then we agreed they were one of my favs as well.  Can I insert here that also- the Bieb’s would have been a fabulous choice as well! But, I feel like there is a money issue there.  He would be the only entertainer in the world that actually refused to spend money instead of earning it- an admirable thing in my opinion. 

I wish I knew more about when to start and stop paragraphs.  

Wayve yo hands side to side, I know you care- 7/11 will be one of the songs I have heart surgery to when its time!  But the CRNA (whom I already have picked out, A.W.) will yell for it to be changed because I will either need double the dose of Nipride or go into SVT.  Or because she’s so stellar will handle it like the champ she is because her dariar likes to bounce to it also!  HA! 

Back to sushi flaka! Yes, we even talked about our mutual respect for each other’s energy that night- beautiful inside and out.  I mean, me being me, and her being her- when I was being escorted to my seat we both made eye contact.  She first had a sour look (like I was her date, severely tardy for the party), then I smiled like she was my best friend (I never meet a stranger, and at this moment we both saw right through each other and then there was only fabulosicty and the urge to devour as much raw fish as possible instead of each other.)  The amazing thing about when I meet someone that I have a connection with is that- actually… socially I’m always a hot mess… I’m a bipolar talkatoo.  We would chat it up, then take a break.  Then, chat it up… then break.  

So, I have a great story from last night.  I mean- holy moly.  But I can’t do it justice right now! I’m hungry and instead of opening a can of soup right here like I want to… actually, never mind…. Totally opening some soup.  Creamy Chicken and Dumplings! Yes, I miss Local Color all the time! The Campbell’s version doesn’t compare- though it’s still fabulous!

Yes, I’m currently sitting in the crowded library eating soup from a can- earlier it was some Tonight dough by jimmy Fallon and Ben and Jerry’s.  I mean hey, this is my version of working from home! Or working in general.  

Aw shit! I know a lot of fabulous CRNA’s now. Just insert yourselves in that spot if you feel the shoe fits.  Cheers if you lol’d.  And come at me bro if you thought it might be too small…! ‘It was like parking a dolley truck in a compact car spot! You’re a trooper btw!’ 

And now- I still don’t have time! Damn it! I will work on it and post it tomorrow! It is great…. And makes me respect the universe much more then I have lately.  

On that note- One of the most influential Chief Justices of our nation said that first you must read the law…. Speaking to the tricky art of interpretation.  It makes sense- first you must read it! Black and white word for word- but what if you can’t read?

i GIVE ZERO FUCKS- cheers to rockin' side to side! (Everytime... he does it everytime! he redeems himself then I'll be if he doesn't go back down again!)

:) 

Loves! 

And yes, I pray for each of you daily... and sometimes dick.

 

     

What makes me cry...

Question 1- why do some computers know what Helvetica is and some don’t? 

So on the day of discharge I met with the psychiatrist twice- this unit I think is more of an observation/EPS type unit.  The docs see how you mingle with the other people, your behavior, eating, etc.- then when they feel youre ready or whatever they meet with you face to face.  Lets be real- that’s incredibly efficient and being that there aren’t that many true psychjiatrists these days and how many of us crazies thjere are- lets just say this lady saw staright through me.  It was fantastic.  She brought up my emotional breakdown/or breakthrough the day before and noted how heartfelt it was on her end.  I’m crying now as I write this- she spoke to being a young doctor in the city and trying to complete medicine residency during the brunt of the HIV/AIDS fiasco.  Can you imagine being turned away not because of inability to pay but because of your HIV status.  Then, not being able to go home- because you landlord evicted you because of your status? She was fantastic- she met with me again… making sure I was hydrated, had a taxi waiting, and made sure I had lunch before I departed.  In the hot mess that followed related to my eye I don’t think I ever sent a thank you card.  Ugh!

Just like my Katrina story and the KKK being a firsthand conversation in addition to a few others,  I’ve been privileged enough to have a few about the HIV/AIDS mess before laws were created to prevent such acts.  I think to how cold it gets here- and I’m not even in the city.  I would go but I don’t have the courage as I might actually die since I hear it’s too cold to sleep directly on the pavement.  Earlier I said out loud to my library friend that having relatives that don’t want you in their lives because of who you are is so much harder to deal with then having a relative that’s deceased and did.  I got a few looks- that were all like ‘OMG that’s so true.’ 

I love AHF- Aids Healthcare Foundation.  They literally saved my life when I was diagnosed.  They literally spoon fed my way to getting insurance, medication, and government support. I thank God for their grassroots organization that went from being coffee can donations in churches to a Billion dollar non-profit.  They were there to help people have dignity as they took their last breathes on the streets to now helping me take my first breathes as a gay man living with HIV.  Ha- its ended up being full blown aids with later testing- thank good ness I didn’t infect anyone.

This may be too much(but I’m a little bit too much)- but a friend was trying, and I mean trying to have me dick him down one night.  I was so upset, and lost, and uneasy that I couldn’t even get hard.  I was like I can’t- almost in tears…. And told him what all was going on.  He was like omg- I know what you’re going through, but it’s so not a big deal.  He was like I know what will make you feel better… thank goodness we are both verse… and I felt phenomenal afterwards.  Walking side to side like a.g. sings about. 

Thank goodness- cause then the onslaught on me posting my status on facebook ensued!       

hello hello...

So after night of the warm sleeping bag my friend was not so inclined which was fine- somehow the night before and that night had attached some extra people.  The one dude the night before apparently had talked all night- trying to keep me up but being that I was so tired failed. This night homeboy was determined to make himself known I guess- at one point kicked me to wake me up to ask me something about ‘what did I like to do for fun?’ then, said I’ve got this bottle of water I’m gonna dump on you… before I could do anything he had dumped a whole bottle of water 0ny my lower half! I mean on what fucking planter am I on.  I hate this city. I wasn’t doing anything- I was sleeping.  His friend that was there ‘Paula’ said something about leaving me alone and so he did.  I asked her for a blanket in the mounds she was laying in and she said no.  I mean shit.  ‘Barry,’ the nice guy that let me borrow the sleeping bag was hiding in one of those public restrooms all night.  It was awful- so last night I decided to grace no one with my presence since it seems that no matter if they love or hate me- I seem to cause imbalance.  So annoying.

What I do love is Sia’s video The Greatest.  It seems that it coincidentally is inspired by the shootings in Orlando at that ‘Gay night club.’  I at the time was in a locked psych ward for attempting to electrocute myself- I failed.  But I was sitting in the common area and they showed the photos of the victims one by one on GMA- and I lost it.  Not in a had to be sedated out of my mind again kinda way- I just walked off to the back to where my bed was and laid down.  One of the aides came and asked if I was ok, literally syringes and pills in hand because that’s how I had been prior to- all I could say was ‘what did they do?’  He and everyone else knew what I was going through since I’m contagious.  He said ‘I wondered the same thing’ and thankfully instead of medicating more just had someone sit with me- which was annoying because naturally I just wanted to cry and cry- not in front of anyone.  This cry wasn’t able to be held back and before I knew it he and me and the other 10-ish people that shared my room were all crying.  It was fantastic- and got everyone extra desert that night since it was a breakthrough for everyone.  I’ve learned better now- I have no emergency contact set up anywhere- the person who’s information I gave them they deleted… after realizing this was the psychopath causing most of my drama.  So, if I see my friends again soon it’ll be much different.  

My life was supposed to be so different after I left there.  Before that I knew my eye was having trouble, when I moved into my apartment for my new contract I had received a  package from amazon and while carrying it up the stairs it hit the left side of my face- and two days later after having started work I was in the hospital with a retinal detachment.  So annoying- that contract was my saving grace! And it was cancelled after I needed long term antibiotic, etc. 

I would post pictures- and such.  But literally I haven’t been able to keep a phone for more then a week- which is why my gofundme hasn’t been updated and why I haven’t been able to get the money from it.  So annoying! Literally I had this phone for like 3 days at max.      

Ah, the Bieb’s is back in my ears (did I misspell his name last time?) opps.  He be like, ‘yeah, put some respeckt on it!’  He is very wise, I think.  I was listening to a set of videos selected by youtube itself.  In one of the videos he spoke to Grace, and how even though he had failed at something he had to give himself the Grace that God does- that no one is perfect as hard as they try. 

On that note- I saw a ‘vending machine’ thing at Walmart that said ‘Cash for phones now.’ I think I saw red- to think that all I’ve been going through and how much harder it’s been because of my phone issues- that a thug may have stolen one just to see how much cash he could get because he wanted to go to red lobster or some shit made me livid! And there was a line!