Soap Box...

Soap Box Time…

Remember that Juice Box song??

People on bikes are the most annoying flipping people- or at least in my current area…. You complain about sharing the road, they build you an eeffing lane on said road- and you have the nerve to honk or ding at people you’re about to run over ON THE SIDEWALK!! God forbid if one of these college girls close line you cause you’re a habitual creeper, or you give some one the heart attack of their life, or some veteran choke slams you….

I hate that I sit here and sniff and sniff instead of going and blowing my nose…

There was another kind person the other night, maybe 3-4 nights ago- yet to be hubbled like I am now by the rain.  I was in the park, almost asleep, and he walked up unzipped this giant red ‘warmest comforter’/tent and threw it on me and walked off.  I said Thank you several times and I didn’t see his face but it kept me so warm! I packed it up the next morning and was so annoyed when I was told by the person at the public library that I wasn’t allowed to bring bedding inside- this was right after she clicked this little device and told me I was being recorded…. I had no energy to say ‘you don’t have permission to do so…’ or do anything but walk away.  I roamed around, blah blah and the next night was fortunate enough to use it again to keep me warm and dry surprisingly!  But, due to needing to try and get things done at the library, like- get my shit together I left it in the park…. I was so sad.  I hope you’re not one of those- but what about that blanket I gave you 5 years ago kinda person.  In case you are, that’s my story.  I was later told by someone else the next night that bedding is ok- as long as its in a clear zipper bag like the one I effing had it in the first place!

To the awesome officers of this fine city- I apologize.  ‘Are you a cop or a model’ has literally come out of my mouth several times- either in passing or while being cuffed.  But, I had to put some ‘respeckt’ on it… I call em like I see em.

So I think of things after the fact or while in the middle of some shit show I’ve created on accident…. 1.  This sales ladt harassed me over potentially having stole ice cream or something about the day before… her and one or two other employees literally were patting my jacket down, yelling, grabbing… worst part is they had me cornered…. As in waited until the last possible second to make a stand so the check out isles were blocking me…. Thank God it was me.  In the future your life is not worth it, getting pimp slapped is not worth it… I know a district manager that once fired a co-worker for doing so. 2.   I’m currently at a fantastic library.  Like, I love it.  The San Jose public library/University Library…. Anybody…anybody?  Total bullshit to harass us homeless individuals while double dipping in funding to create such a heavenly place.   Also- to dare try and ‘paint anyone as a creeper’ because they used the wrong corner entrance to either enter the building or to nap is pathetic…

On that last one… let me mention that I was written another citation for trespassing because of this!

Now- I’m done.  It’s time for a nap and my head is killing me. 

To my fabulous newly retired friend- I cried, even though I wasn’t actually there.  I love you, you dork!

Again, I hate the creating fake profile nonsense.  I hate using other peoples screen names- again, ‘change password’ day should be nationally recognized! But, I’ll continue sleeping on the ground in the cold getting high by my damn self…. Or being productive, or helping Pinky take over the world, or whatever the eff I wanna do…. ‘I’m paying for it so you have to do it on my terms.’  Hunni Bye, Felicia Bye… Catch me when I come off tour…. Whatever sassiness I can say besides what I really wanna say… Whoopi said it best, ‘Bless you.’ 

I would like: cigarettes, circumcision, and bullying/passive aggression/stupidity/....outlawed.  Thank you!  

Mu heart is full...

So here it goes: let’s see who I can piss off the most…

I am so thankful to the ‘stranger friend’ that let me borrow the warmest most comfortable sleeping bag I’ve ever slept in.  It was freezing- or would become so and has literally been raining for days.  Like, everything here is soaked- beyond any reasonable doubt.  I wish they would warn people not to sleep under trees- can you imagine the ground being so drenched that these giant ass trees are falling? And on people!  I read that article a few weeks ago- this one written from LA: a wedding party was taking photos and a tree so colossally huge fell over, roots and all, that several people were injured and I think one fatality!  (I cried when I thought of what chaos has gone on in the weddings I’ve been a part of, thankfully the Maid of Honor or HBIC has always umbrella’d  the brunt of it- but there is not a pink enough, puffy enough, taffeta out dress big enough to handle that.  I’ve always said I would have to go to a therapist that treated therapists, just because I think I’m that clever but damn- Christa Applegate would hopefully be there to say- look its Jesus… My snotty reply would be the audacity of hope saying ‘please just say you’re sorry and not ignorant!’  I’m thankful in my belief that everything happens for a reason.  I apologize for everything- I wish I could figure out a new phrase… a lot of times I’m apologizing only for circumstance.

My train derailed—

It was sooooo warm! And smelled like it had just been laundered- so it was just like getting into a warm bed after having just washed my sheets- and I got to only wear shorts and a shirt.  My usual commando sleep attire has been adanbdoned due to my obsession with staying hydr4ated and lack of time between eyes wide open and the opening of the flood gates.  It was so decadent that I would run to the corner, pee, and run back to my heavenly coleman cloud- and before putting my feet inside wipe them off with a napkin.  Yes, due to the warmth and zipper of the bag, lack of button on my shorts, and distance to semi-privacy there was no time for shoes or socks…HA!  People can hate on b.jean all day long for going to a public restroom barefoot- but a mama foregoing shoes and jetting to a public restroom so her kiddos aren’t subjected to an underworked overpaid assistant having to do so with an attitude is admirable… but hunni bye!  People be like, ‘OHHHH!’ and she be like, ‘GD someone finally got it!’  Can you imagine trying to keep your kids clean, wipe the seat, have everyone emptied, washed, then do what anyone does before they leave the bathroom and do a self-head to toe assessment seeing what someone will be able to make fun of you for so you can be prepared and not shocked- only to realize that…

So anyways, I need to Thank my homies down at the local eatery I frequent.  It’s convenicent and good, and I cannot be Thankful enough for a hot meal after… they serve lunch and dinner 7 days a week- and to be honest since they are their own organization I don’t know what the funding situation is there.  In addition to changing the world, figuring out why none of the fucking water fountains in my current area work- literally stealing a bottle of water is literally sometimes the option, surviving, and trying to convience myself that having a living relative that doesn’t want you in their life is indeed harder then dealing with the death of one that does- I’ll look into it.  Either way- I’ve stuck my foot in my mouth a lot- and will continue to do so all my life… but these guys aren’t trained by ‘it’s raw!’ himself, and feed hundreds per day, 7 days a week, and have to deal with assholes- who are just straight up wholehearted assholes, people with mental illness’- who are legit in themselves, lazy people, people like me….geez, and deal with the tug on their heart when they have to uphold certain rules to keep their jobs and ‘order’ are Hero’s.  And- even sometimes let us have seconds, and deal with one of those legit individuals having a medical emergency until EMS arrives- seriously!  Then- do it all again tomorrow! Or in 4 hours?! I mean- fuck bro. 

So- I’m an asshole…. Well some type of ass- I try not to put it as my ‘nickname’ since I’ve been called one or the other by someone who may or may not be biologically responsible for my being one… the struggle is real, every time!.

I mean, it’s not really my place- but I’m proud.  I’m proud that someone who is probably going to be a billion dollars in debt when this is all said and done instead of the opposite has the courage to do what he’s doing- He’s moving people! Literally moving mountains- they may be mountains of the vindictive against him… or those for him… I’ll stop there, Proud of the Hero’s at my local eatery/The Salvation Army… and the list goes on…

People love me or hate me- its so the truth.   I’m intuitive to the point its detrimental- and the energy from that is contagious.  Sometimes that’s good and bad.  And I wouldn’t change any of it- ESPECIALLY SINCE THE BEIB’S AND NIKKI NIKKI ARE IN MY EARS!

I could not be thankful enough for my life- THAT’S IT! I am so thankful for these experiences that I might ruin it by saying that that’s what people hate about me or love- or both. 

That same song is still playing- Cheers to all my ‘baby bathtime’ comrades!  J Those were the days! I swear I should put time stamps on each paragraph! Youtube is randomly playing away, and sometimes a sentence comes at a Chaucerly pace, or sometimes in an instance… but ‘Boyfriend’ is about halfway through… the ‘I swear’ part came at the beginning…those were, still, and always will be the days! J

        

Cheers to Hump Day!

So, I was talking to a family member about my pursuits currently- next time I’ll pet my rock or something.  What’s embarrassing is how you manipulated me in college when I came home early from the beach  to take a Stats final… the aftermath will be part of my tell all book.  Both of you should be ashamed- just because I never confronted you about it doesn’t mean I’m weak.  It kinda means I’m ‘who I’ve always been’- I’m kind enough to prevent you from lying but an asshole for making that assumption.  Hey, I believe what Terrence said on Harry. 

I have many Greats in my life- the various employers, supervisors, professors, parentals, etc.  Odds are you know who you are cause I’ve told you-  510.753.4546.  If any of you are ashamed of me or embarrassed by me (or would be) let me know. 

Back to me being an asshole- I had no idea Kim K W was tied up and bound when all that took PLACE! Ew and what kind of DNA was found on her, and I pray she recovers.  I made comments about how it wasn’t her jewelry anyways probably and it was more about her credibility for future ‘borrowing.’  I dunno if I’m telling a secret or not- but Oprah is naturally the only one on any type of surface in Hollywood that owns the diamonds she wears.  I mean, you can only own so much of whatever diversifies your portfolio- and gold is malleable! Once so broke she had a rock for a pet, now… HA!  But seriously, I can’t believe I was making jokes and I hope that she has someone in her life to ask the difficult question ‘Are you thinking of hurting yourself?’ and then asking again and again as it feels necessary. 

I am blessed to have such a person in my life- she had the courage to call me and tell me that she felt the need to ask but didn’t and was sorry… then, asked in all seriousness ‘Are you suicidal?’  This was when my ‘guard’ was still at 95% or so.  Time has created distance between me and a lot of my ‘everything.’  I had the same phone number for literally 10 years- maybe 12.  2052539688 is hopefully still able to be reactivated.  I was mugged by two “race doesn’t matter and it pisses me off that anyone who has made the assumption has been correct” guys in Hancock Park in LA when I moved back last year.  This was after breaking my iphone on move day and having to get a replacement through insurance.  I was walking- with most of my things- literally a ‘checked’ size suitcase, two messenger bags, etc.  I was looking at my phone when I noticed a guy crossing the street ahead of me- me being me I tracked him/focused on him concerned for his well-being as he was literally walking out in the middle of the road.  It was late so there wasn’t anyone else around- until I heard a noise to my right/the opposite side to where he was walking… turning to face the noise meant meeting a fist to my face/right eye straight on.  Like a ‘cowered’ one might say, I was literally trying to hand them my things- then they started kicking me and I feared that them each having one of my messenger bags and pulling them with the straps still around my neck in opposite directions may behead me… I grabbed one of the bag straps with my left hand, pulled as hard as I could and hit the oncoming person as hard as I could with my right hand.  It happened so fast I couldn’t close my hand into a fist- sadly I think this led to an eye injury for him.  And I do mean sadly- I’m not a cowered- I just know that nothing in that situation came before our safety.  I don’t know what their situation was nor do they mine.  I am not one to fight back and get stabbed or shot potentially- not only would that injure me but the one robbing me is someone’s son, father, husband, baby daddy, pimp-  whatever it is my intention was to not only walk away unharmed but for them to do the same.  If he did receive an eye injury then I owe him an apology- as much as they got (even more then the car thieves did) it was not worth a faggot slapping him or clawing his eye out.  Those would be his probable words, not mine.  I won’t use nasty adjectives that became such by evil and hate.  OK OK the ‘N’ word.  I’m gay, faggot is one of those used to describe me sometimes therefore I used it.  They were African American, or American and black or whatever  Raven S would rather be identified as these days- and male.  My biggest regret is that since they ‘got everything’- my ipad, passport, checks, luggage, id badges from previous contracts, my health records, hard copies and originals of basically everything- shoes, nanos, my yellow CF Hollywood shirt, and yes- my iphone was unlocked: att gave me a hard time about filing a new insurance claim since I had just done so and since then its been one thing after another.  And since then I haven’t had an iphone- and its been the biggest deal!  To have a device that fits me, in the way an iphone does, making me a better person in I dare say every aspect… photos, calendar, email, productivity, think about it- everyway!   Additionally, they got my white macbook- the one my boyfriend and I went to the apple store together and purchased- it was back to school, I was about to start nursing school… and had wanted one for years.  I worked and worked and saved… this was a huge achievement for me personally.   I worked part time in addition to school full time as a norm- to come up with $999 extra took months.  That year our colleges had spring break the same week, it had never happened in the past two years of our relationship- and in prep for nursing school in the fall and being the dedicated pre-nursing student apple user that I was meant we didn’t get to spend it together at the beach or lake fucking and drinking like we both wanted.  He even picked up the difference for the tax I had to pay on the free ipod touch I got with my purchase… pardon me while I go pee and wipe my eyes.

Now to return a phone call- omg

Cheers to 2017! I got arrested for trespassing! Gah! I guess you can’t just sleep anywhere these days- I mean to be so picky  about where the public sidewalk begins and where a particular piece of private property ends is a little annoying.  I had to go to jail and was luckily released the next day after being processed and dressing out.  The particular floor or location I was sent to had been rowdy the days before I go there so I didn’t get to shower.  I mean what the hell! I was livid- how is it that I get arrested, have multiple officers throughout the process make fun of me for not smelling so hot, then not let me shower.  It was almost to the point of being intentional.  I mean if they arrested me instead of just giving me a warning in order for me to have a safe warm place to sleep then I am thankful for the concern and caring- also I think I had slept there before and was told not to.  I mean it’s not everyday that it gets as cold as it was that night. Now I have to go to court in March.  This is getting so old- I’ve got to get back to LA.  I got some Christmas money but wasn’t able to use it to get to LA because I was so sick I couldn’t even stand up.  I don’t know what happened.  It was like I was throwing up every hour for 24 hours.  Ugh.  I’m sitting here complaining about nonesense compared to what I could be going through.  

gofundme

gofundme.com/zp-cause-my-whole-life-was-stolen 

An email that went a lil something like this...

I'm so sad- now both nursing licenses are inactive. I worked so hard and saved so many lives and taught so many.  I'm so sad. Two suicide attempts going- I won't make a third I hope.  I keep trying to figure out what I've done or who I pissed off. I was diagnosed with HIV three years ago.  Mom and work completely dropped me. I mean completely- people wonder why I'm still trying to pick up the pieces... Cause on top of those things happening I was already on a frail rope.  I want death before I want to be homeless anymore- God has always answered my prayers.  So one or the other will come- and I'm happy with either.  But don't ever lie to yourself or tarnish my name- I wanted to be there for everything I've missed and I am a good person. 

Loves,

Josh. 

The most 'seen through' and bullshit reasons to not help is to call them a drug abuser, label them with some sort of mental illness, or atttack them morally.  Your colleagues, peers, and others know what you're doing- unless they are wholehearted then they are guilty of lying to themselves also.  

when I walk and relaize- where my gays at?

closes in 2 min! AH!

I saw frost!

For the first time in my life I actually experienced the 'whatever' phenomenon that happens early in the morning...

I mean there was some paranoia and inner thought processes that had to occur first.  I mean, I was outside in a public place... so first, I realized my clothes were wet-ish.  I was like I know someone didn't pee on me.  People do all sorts of things to people they view as 'homeless' so it's not as far fetched as one might think.  Then, I saw the fog as I was breathing- or maybe that came first.  I dosed off and woke up to grass covered in white frost- no one had even walked on it yet.

I promised someone I would blog daily... but someone walked off with my phone.  AGAIN!  Now the library is closing so... night! Loves.


God- get me back to LA.  If nothing else for my eye ball...  

  

 

One day I was waiting to see a judge about some bs when...

So- today I got a wild hair and posted some actual subject matter to Facebook.  Lately it has been nothing but ‘this is what I was doing 4 years ago stuff.’  Which as much as I love the memories- sometimes tears are brought to my eyes.

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Josh Ray

5 hrs · 

I'm a kindred spirit changing the things I can today and will reassess continually! I am blessed to have earned the hardest undergraduate degree available- per the GBWR!

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Josh Ray

5 hrs · 

Ashton- I'd love to be an Uber driver in SF and in LA! Could you help? With the Tesla also- SUV or Sedan your choice. I love graphite grey! You and Chelsea and Ms. Biden can attest to how greatful I'll be. Truly.

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Josh Ray

5 hrs · 

Things I'm learning- mortgage rates are at an all time low! You get a $20k per year tax credit for a Tesla- granted the high sticker price. H&M vnecks are like $5 and are indestructible- thanks Meryl! Our future first lady and SJP have a lot in common, eh? Sia and Anna Wintor should be bff's- and get matching Tesla's. And WeHo will forever be my home- I've got to much to do to worry about some ass hole bating me just to beat me up in front of his buddies. The security of living in a gay city is truly priceless!

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I am so disappointed about the postponement of my Starting the Graduate Program at USC that I don’t even want to think about the remaining documents due.  This is the very last I dwell on it after this last statement-  the apartment and not having a place to stay the week I was brought out to Santa Clara took such an incredible toll on my everything.  I had interviews lined up, I had a couple of things to complete for my admissions into a world renowned university master’s program, etc…. and it all came to stand still.  I’m still trying to climb out of that crater as we speak! 

Can I say one thing about the Bay?  It is beautiful.  I mean the air, the sky, the freshness of the United States starts here.  That being said- no one we3ras sunglass’.  Why? The rays still come through the clouds- even more dangerously then if there were no clouds because the brightness is lost.  Sunscreen- do those who live here think about this or know this innately? I doubt it.  I haven’t and didn’t until yesterday and that’s only because I haven’t dealt with it my whole life!

Sadly, I fear I will never be at the bedside again.  The stress, trauma, and knowledge I’ve earned through the last three years won’t let me.  I feel like Oprah- at the end of her show.  I was built to be a nurse.  I have been that rock for parents as they say goodbye to their children after some unforeseen trauma. I have been that person standing on a bed with my hand in a patient’s chest while we rush them back to surgery.  I’ve thrown Birthday parties and potlucks, and made mistakes, and been ‘Not just another nurse.’  I have to do more though- somehow I have to be known by more people.  I have to be the person who has the courage to say, this is not right.  My personality sucks- because ill also end up offering up a suggestion or two.  Just don’t let me be working on said suggestions and end up on the front of a bus like one of my favorite authors. 

When the creative wheels are spinning- if you know me or are around me I’m infectious.  Happy, Sad, Horny, and Lonely- it doesn’t matter.  I can wish that a gift wasn’t mine- or I can use it to inspire.  To give someone courage to take on their conquest.  Haha I fear at times I may be that conquest- as long as one day AK is privy to my energy we are stellar. 

Here’s something I’ve learned- If you shoot someone with a beebee gun you can be tried for attempted murder, if you rob a store with a gun that really your hand faking the appearance of a gun it can be armed robbery, and a child in that previous situation that also says ‘I will kill you…’ will go to jail for the rest of his life before it even starts.  Holy Moly.  I may be ignorant of a lot in this world- but please don’t let that scenario happen to anyone else.  I say that because on my road trip here I met the most gorgeous man/inmate- truly Heisman trophy material.  He is 28, just had a birthday.  He has been in jail for over a decade- since he was 17… probably received a stiff sentence because a judge had to work on some numbers or had an election coming up or had be called weak by a journalist in the local publication that morning.  Attorney bills already at $100,000 and a family who had moved on unintentionally leaving this Adonis behind bars with many others alike.  Luckily- said Adonis has more letters behind his name then I do and has been working on reducing his sentence to time served…. This alpha is still behind bars because the charges could be dismissed clearing him completely…. All because someone who didn’t know any better had the time and resou4rvced to educate himself. 

I got all that in a holding cell before court- there were maybe 30 of us cramped in this little room.  I was terrified- a he was sitting beside me (nervous because of the energy I felt that if someone tried to hurt me he would defend me and any other person in the room…. But also when he went to take a leak  I being gay looked the opposite direction- but every other dude was eventually looking at him awestruck.  Fuck- I wish I had the courage to look.  Odds are I’ve had bigger, but the whole picture would have been nice., also me not looking hopefully will motivate him to experiment if he runs into me once he finally is released. 

People are only in our lives for however long- during that moment the universe gives us the opportunity to mobilize that inertia and potentiate infinity.  This is why I’m not ashamed of a one night stand, or that one second eye contact when a man eats you with his eyes on the elevator that reignites the spark of a familiar romance.  I say take all you can take in these instances…. But also, give what you can also.  Ill probably end up in a wheelchair from selfishness- I want to take away ten years of frustration from a man who was falsely accused and had nothing to aid him but his own hand to maintain his reputation? Hell Yes.  All because I know myself- no safe word will be used and I’d probably use  verbs that will lead to an earthquake…. But hey- that’s what I get for not looking when he took a leak no more then two feet from me.  Odds are the thing was inches from my head and that’s why everyone was looking. 

Dang it- I hope he’s at least not in jail still right now feeling the way I’m feeling or have felt…. Omg they say the last few weeks or days are the worst.  Opps….now ill def have to say harder, and omit ouch and stop completely from my memory until 10 years of inertia is in me.  Good thing I don’t have any plans or a job currently- which is exactly what an Adonis deserves.  Who knows- maybe I’ll be able to share this imaginary experience with you guys as it becomes reality someday.  He’ll be in charge so….

Like he said… I’ll decide

Food for thought from yesterday…

I'm not homeless... I just sleep around a lot!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9OaLWWWFsAiV3JOLUptcl9kZjM0R1A1dkxJNDFfREFfZXZr/view?usp=sharing